I don't need t raise the employment issue for her to behave this way, but I want/need her to get a job, ESP. If ai decide to divorce.

Anonymous wrote:

9:17 here. normally I hate when people say this, but reverse the roles. if it was the husband out of work for almost 10 years and rearranging his shoe collection then verbally abusing the wife? "Divorce!!!!!!"

NP, but think this is absolutely not the case. If a DH gave up his work for his wife's job to be a SAHD for five years, and then had trouble reentering the workforce despite efforts to find a job, I would definitely not say "divorce!" I think the real issue is the verbal abuse, not the job issue. It is hard to tell from DH's post whether DW is continually blaming him, belittling him, lashing out (which would sound more like typical abuse), or whether it is generally a (bad) reaction to when he raises the employment issue or criticizes her on this front (still not appropriate behavior from DW, but seems less like abuse and more like a bad dynamic that they've both created).

OP here. DW worked while we were in Asia for four years. She worked a total of nine years before we came to DC. As to her entanglement with the criminal justice system, she was charged with two class 3 misdemeanors - criminal trespass and resisting arrest. She plead no contest to the first and did community service and the record is supposed to be expunged. However, I do think she needs to formally request the expungement. The latter charge was dropped. As to the highlighted part, I think this fits more the pattern.

OP, if I were your wife, I would divorce you! You sound horrible.

OP,

Also there are career coaches out there. But the job market in DC is terrible, it favors those with direct experience, on the young side. Also, people who know people. Please do not divorce. You will be relegating your wife to years of financial hardship. If this were 10 years ago, she could have gotten a job as a copyeditor at the Washington Post. That's gone. All gone! (I'm 9:34.)

OP have you posted before about wife's criminal record? Sounds familiar. Just wondering.

OP.

Do you read the newspapers? We are in the midst of a jobs crisis. It is very difficult for people who have not worked for several years to be considered for a job. I was a SAHM and I can't find a job and no one believes me. I generate income doing consulting and apply for jobs. Some online applications take hours between the cover letter, the customized resume and technical hiccups.

Maybe she can take courses at Georgetown's School of Continuing Ed and get a certificate that makes her marketable?

If she's over 40, and it's convenient, try 40Plus.

9:17/9:20 here. Are you guys serious? The wife's career may have tanked, but she agreed to go- in fact heavily encouraged him to take the position. That was ten years ago. If she resents him for it, so be it- but do something about it. Talk to your husband, be honest, go to a career counselor, decide to volunteer. Don't stew and lash out at your husband.
She has a CRIMINAL record. That's her own fault. She hasn't been doing anything (volunteer work, career counseling etc). That's her own fault too.

Maybe your wife can start small. Get out of the house by volunteering. Volunteer to help kids at schools, tutoring the less privileged kids. Just something productive to get out of her small world.

9:17 here. normally I hate when people say this, but reverse the roles. if it was the husband out of work for almost 10 years and rearranging his shoe collection then verbally abusing the wife? "Divorce!!!!!!"

NP, but think this is absolutely not the case. If a DH gave up his work for his wife's job to be a SAHD for five years, and then had trouble reentering the workforce despite efforts to find a job, I would definitely not say "divorce!" I think the real issue is the verbal abuse, not the job issue. It is hard to tell from DH's post whether DW is continually blaming him, belittling him, lashing out (which would sound more like typical abuse), or whether it is generally a (bad) reaction to when he raises the employment issue or criticizes her on this front (still not appropriate behavior from DW, but seems less like abuse and more like a bad dynamic that they've both created).

9:20. not under the stated circumstances. This isn't. Male/female thing. It is a partnership issue where one sacrificed opportunity for the success of the other. We now have an economy in the tank and jobs are hard to come by even without a gap in the resume. Op's career benefited by the move. His wife's tanked. He needs to adjust his attitude.

Anonymous wrote:9:17 here. normally I hate when people say this, but reverse the roles. if it was the husband out of work for almost 10 years and rearranging his shoe collection then verbally abusing the wife? "Divorce!!!!!!"

Except that I get the feeling that OP is an "unreliable narrator." I wonder what his wife would say the last nine years have been like for her.

9:17 here. normally I hate when people say this, but reverse the roles. if it was the husband out of work for almost 10 years and rearranging his shoe collection then verbally abusing the wife? "Divorce!!!!!!"

I gave up by career so that my husband could advance his. made financial sense at the time because his ear inning potential was much higher than mine. Zip forward several years and I found that I could never get back on track. I was frustrated, defeated and unfulfilled. Fortunately, my DH understood and recognized that I had made a sacrifice for him and for our family and has never resented me for that as sacrifice or used it as a weapon against me. OP, you need to put yourself in her shoes and get off your high horse.

OP, it sounds like you're in a really tough situation.
PP's- it's been FIVE YEARS of her supposedly looking for work. That's a long ass time. This doesn't seem to be a case of the OP needing to get off his wife's back. If she's acting like she wants/needs a job, and isn't out trying to find one or being even a little aggressive about the job search, of course OP is concerned.
Either wife is lying and wants to be a SAHM (going on year ten it looks like? four years abroad, five years home?) but won't discuss this with husband, or she really does want a job but is depressed, lazy, or needs to simply re-prioritize her tools for success. Either way, OP, you need to figure this out via counseling and/or a frank, open discussion with your wife.

If your wife talked to you in a calm, non-hostile tone, and actually was open about what her feelings were on this whole thing- wouldn't you be more open to hearing her out, understanding where her frustrations lie, and what you can do to help and help her find happiness? Even if it was volunteering or a part-time position somewhere?

I get the feelin OP that you are frustrated with her verbal abuse, resentment, and embellishment of job search details.

I mostly agree with PP. Although, a criminal record based off a DUI vs. a criminal record for assault (or something like that) will be treated differently.