OP here. To address some questions: DH and I worked overseas where we met and got married, so I had a very vague idea of his family. They did make an impression of extremely intrusive and pushy during the wedding, but I did not have enough time to make conclusions. We moved in the area when the baby was born. As many have noted, I am more annoyed by the whole dismissal of my wishes and opinions. I would be more open to a dialog if they ASKED to come I've, but they simply decided to do so. And honestly, I am not used to seeing family all the time, twice a months is plenty for me, 9 times a months would be just too much. I feel that I lost my independence as a person with this move, I guess I am not a collectivisti. type.

Anonymous wrote:OP, who is opening the door to them when they show up at your house? That person needs to stop.

Your baby is YOURS. Not community property.

The baby is a sentient human being who has a family that includes her grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.

How many days per week is this-- 2? I'd have your husband arrange for them to go home by a certain time so you can do bedtime routine. Come home later those days, so you can say bye as they leave. Husband can be in charge of getting them out the door. Have dinner with a girlfriend, run some errands, get some work done. They are unlikely to keep this up forever-- especially unmarried SIL.

FWIW, You and your husband are certainly within your rights to explain that you are a private person and that they need to stay away. You are going to end up seeming unreasonable. I do think it is strange that you are upset by having them there when you are at work. They are not going to understand this either. Good luck, I hope you can find a compromise with them. It sounds like they really love their grandchild. Mine are older now, and I can really see the fruits of a close relationship with grandparents and extended family. It is a sacrifice for you, but one that you may find worth it later.

Anonymous wrote:well, if you don't want to spend as much time with them, having them come while you are working is actually brilliant! imagine how much more time you would have to see them otherwise.

and if your nanny enjoys the time your ILs are over, and your DD is spending time with family members who love her...well, i guess i don't see the downside.

I agree with this. I was getting annoyed with my in-laws frequent vists (but also realized it would be an ass move to try to distance them from ther grandsons). Now they take the kids out and visit/help"babysit" when I'm busy. They've actually become quite helpful in that regard, the kids love it and they love it.

Nip this in the bud. It is your baby, not theirs. I suspect they are not as interested in the baby as they say. They are interested in running your life for you, using the baby as a lever and with DH going right along with it. One day you may wake up and say: How did all these people get into my life and when is MY time with MY baby and DH? I wish someone had told me this a few years ago! It is very easy to fool a new mom into thinking that they are as interested in the baby as you are. Watch out!

To OP, I am sorry to hear that you have troubles with your husband's family. But....the key is what is best for your BABY? To spend the whole day with some unrelated nanny who may or may not be in your child's life in 6 months or with loving grandparents and relatives? I am a former nanny, and I did (and still do) love the kids I tended. I am still in contact with them. However, a grandparent's relationship with your child is completely different. As long as your relatives are loving toward your child, you should be thrilled that your baby will have their extra love and attention while you and your husband are at work.

I think you are most miffed with the idea that your household boundaries are not respected. I do agree that you need to set boundaries, and I would be really annoyed, too. However, your husband needs to be the one to talk to HIS family. Ask him to handle this for you. Maybe the solution is to have them visit only in the morning hours until your baby goes down for an afternoon nap. Have your husband limit their staying for dinner to maybe 2 times a month. Or maybe have the nanny meet the relatives at a park/playground....outside of your home.

I, too, would be annoyed with them rearranging my things. Are they doing this out of spite, or are they just not putting things back in the proper place because they don't think it really matters(for example, putting wipes and diapers back in a different spot?) Maybe you could just provide a basket of supplies for them to use and ask them to put the supplies back in the basket when they are done. You could also just put away anything that you don't want messed with.

Good luck.

OP, who is opening the door to them when they show up at your house? That person needs to stop.

Your baby is YOURS. Not community property.

Anonymous wrote:So, you are not actually home when they are coming over? I really don't see the problem. Maybe you will see later on as your baby gets older how wonderful it is to have family bond with your child and have a special relationship. My inlaws are annoying, selfish, etc, but my kids LOVE them. We give them full access to them at all times. I bet your baby loves all the attention...I'm sorry, but I think that you are being incredibly selfish here. I get that they lack boundaries and you need to work on that with other things, but this sounds like a great idea. Are you sad because you are working and not spending time with your child and your inlaws can? Not meant in a hurtful way, I am jus trying to understand the problem. Plus, if they are helping with dinner that is awesome too.

Actually you don't "get" that they lack boundaries. You clearly have no idea. You sound like the in-laws--"If it's not a problem for me, then it shouldn't be a problem for anyone else!"

I am sure ill get flamed for this but: none of our family lives close except 1 SIL and she could care less about spending time with DC. I'd be thrilled if any of them wanted to spend time with DC. You should be grateful to have family nearby who care.

They sound pushy and annoying, although I can see why they would want to spend time with the baby. Make sure your nanny is ok with it first, since some nannies I know would NOT like this arrangement. Then decide on fixed days/times they can come, and make it in the morning or at lunchtime so they LEAVE when the baby goes down for a nap - that'll take care of the idea that they'll be hanging around for dinner. (I'd rather have cereal or eggs for dinner than have forced company who cooks dinner.) Tell them to stop rearranging your stuff and otherwise overstepping their boundaries. The idea that they are visiting the baby and not you, and thus they don't have to check with you first, is bizarre and disingenuous; have your husband tell them they should not come without prior arrangement.

OP, before getting married did you and your husband discuss how involved with your lives his family would or would not be? Is this a cultural thing? He needs to understand that it's his family, not yours, and you don't want them all up in your business and treating your house like their house. And they need to learn -- from your husband and from the limits that you and your husband set up and enforce -- that there are boundaries they need to respect. I agree with the PPs who say to nip this in the bud, and if need be have a knock-down, drag-out now. If MIL or SIL shout, so what? The more out of control they get, the calmer and more rational you should become. Not only will that drive them batty but it will keep the focus on the substance of what you're trying to achieve. And ultimately they want something from you (access to your child), so you hold the best cards. Good luck, OP. Let us know how it goes!

Anonymous wrote:So, you are not actually home when they are coming over? I really don't see the problem. Maybe you will see later on as your baby gets older how wonderful it is to have family bond with your child and have a special relationship. My inlaws are annoying, selfish, etc, but my kids LOVE them. We give them full access to them at all times. I bet your baby loves all the attention...I'm sorry, but I think that you are being incredibly selfish here. I get that they lack boundaries and you need to work on that with other things, but this sounds like a great idea. Are you sad because you are working and not spending time with your child and your inlaws can? Not meant in a hurtful way, I am jus trying to understand the problem. Plus, if they are helping with dinner that is awesome too.

It's selfish to not want a constant, weekly stream of relatives at your house during the day and after you get home from work? It's great that you're cool with being a doormat for your in-laws, but most people like to have boundaries set and respected, especially concerning their home and children. Love that you're trying to make it about WOH guilt, though.

OP, I can absolutely see where you're coming from. This would drive me nuts too.

Anonymous wrote:So, you are not actually home when they are coming over? I really don't see the problem. Maybe you will see later on as your baby gets older how wonderful it is to have family bond with your child and have a special relationship. My inlaws are annoying, selfish, etc, but my kids LOVE them. We give them full access to them at all times. I bet your baby loves all the attention...I'm sorry, but I think that you are being incredibly selfish here. I get that they lack boundaries and you need to work on that with other things, but this sounds like a great idea. Are you sad because you are working and not spending time with your child and your inlaws can? Not meant in a hurtful way, I am jus trying to understand the problem. Plus, if they are helping with dinner that is awesome too.

Go back and read her original post. They are still there when she gets home! They rearrange things in her house! They continue to stay for a meal once she gets home! Someone who doesn't want that is NOT selfish.

So, you are not actually home when they are coming over? I really don't see the problem. Maybe you will see later on as your baby gets older how wonderful it is to have family bond with your child and have a special relationship. My inlaws are annoying, selfish, etc, but my kids LOVE them. We give them full access to them at all times. I bet your baby loves all the attention...I'm sorry, but I think that you are being incredibly selfish here. I get that they lack boundaries and you need to work on that with other things, but this sounds like a great idea. Are you sad because you are working and not spending time with your child and your inlaws can? Not meant in a hurtful way, I am jus trying to understand the problem. Plus, if they are helping with dinner that is awesome too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's NICE to have someone cook dinner^^^

To you, not to the OP.

Why is it so hard to accept that not everyone wants the same things? You sound like her ILs. You can't argue someone's preferences with them.

I'm 6:55 AND 6:56. I wrote the above sentence because I left the word "nice" out of my 6:55 post. When someone add this symbol ^^, it means that they are referring to and usually editing their prior post. If you read it again, you'll see that you and I are in great agreement.

Obnoxious. But, OP, no one can take advantage of you without your permission. Tell them that this arrangement isn't working for you and that the nanny and DC will not be available next week. Perhaps tell them that you are happy to arrange a few dates per month when it works for your whole family, if you are amenable to that. And if they object, just say "I'm sorry this upsets you, but this arrangement is not working for my family." If they continue to protest, say "Please let the issue rest."

Have your husband present, and he needs to back you up. If he doesn't, tell him that from now on when you come home from work to a house full of inlaws, you are going to take the baby and check into a (expensive) hotel for some peace and quiet.

Follow through.

Anonymous wrote:It's NICE to have someone cook dinner^^^

To you, not to the OP.

Why is it so hard to accept that not everyone wants the same things? You sound like her ILs. You can't argue someone's preferences with them.