Anonymous wrote:I don't think the point of the event is to enrich the college savings account. Perhaps it becomes that for grandparents and close family members. But for the bus stop buddy it is a birthday gift..an itunes card..a book..earrings.

A bar/bat mitzvah is in fact NOT a birthday party. It is a very special and important ritual and an honor that the child has worked very hard to achieve. I don't think an iTunes card or a book reflects the importance of the occasion. I know it seems weird to say that money is ok but a gift card isn't, but I think that's bc the idea is that the money usually gets pooled and goes to something larger or more important than the latest new direction album. I don't think money is the only possible gift, though. Something like a pretty chai or Star of David necklace for a girl is nice, or some other keepsakey type thing for a boy. Basically something that's nog going to get thrown away in 6 months.

Anonymous wrote:Why money? Do you really think that a kid should expect expensive monetary gifts from classmates?

Nope - I think my kid should expect that at least a few of his friends will come to celebrate with him and enrich the occasion with their presence. Other than that I don't think he should have any expectation of what gift they might or might not bring. I hope that he would graciously accept and hopefully appreciate anything from a nice card to any present his friends thought he might like to a monetary gift in the amount the friend/family chooses to give. As the person or family hosting the event, I would teach my kid to be grateful for anything he received, whether it was a traditional gift in our culture, a more common type of birthday gift/gift item or simply someone's time to attend.

However, conversely, I expect my kid who is invited to a friend's party or event to find out whether or not the event is religious/cultural in nature and if so do sufficient research to determine, acquire, and give a gift that would be most appropriate in the friend's religion or culture regardless of what our culture would consider preferable. Politeness and appropriateness vary and if I/the kids found that giving cash was more appropriate than giving something else, I would try really hard personally to suspend my own culturally influenced reaction of feeling that giving cash was tacky and give the more appropriate gift.

As far as your point about gifts being expensive, many posts on this thread suggested that $18 - $36 was a perfectly acceptable amount for a peer or classmate, and I do not consider that unreasonable or even in the realm of 'expensive monetary gifts'.

I am Jewish and give Barnes and noble or Apple gift cards, depending on the kid. A check if we (the parents) are invited too.

Why money? Do you really think that a kid should expect expensive monetary gifts from classmates?

In NY we give $200-300 for a Bar/Bat mitzvah (as a couple attending). That is standard for around here. I'm wondering how much one might give if traveling out of state to get there...??

400

it is wrong to give so little, at least 36 but 50 or 54 is more appropriate from a school friend all adults should give at least 100, trust me your meal is way more than that. If you cant afford to send your kid to so many, then be a little more choosey, but don't be cheap. poor taste

Many moons ago when I was a Bat Mitzvah, I got many cash gifts and many bonds. The cash went into a savings account that eventually formed the seeds of a house downpayment. The bonds were cashed out before I went to college. (I enclosed a letter to future self with them. Really neat to read)

My main point, is, however, that the gift I thought was the coolest was a gift certificate for a manicure. Must have cost all of $15 back then, if that. But I was thrilled. So please, get whatever.

We typically buy Israel Bonds. They have a program for Bar/bat Mitvahs with set amounts.


STATE OF ISRAEL BONDS: The Perfect Mitzvah for Bar/Bat Mitzvah. When your child becomes Bnai Mitzvah s/he bonds with our tradition, our people, and our heritage. When you and your child invest in Israel Bonds you guide them to a personal, meaningful, and sustaining relationship with Israel and the Jewish future. To learn more or to purchase an Israel Bond call your local office (visit www.israelbonds.com or call 1 800 229 9650). Not Just a Bond. A Bond With Israel.

Anonymous wrote:

Wow, you clearly have no concept of how bar/bat mitzvahs work. You give money. As the PP said, it goes into an account for college. You are helping celebrate this child becoming a man/woman and helping pay for their education (even in a small way) which is a major value in Judaism. Please don't impose your own cultural values (money is not a nice gift) on someone else's tradition.

While I agree with this post's general point, I would like to point out that when I give someone money I don't expect it to go in a College fund. I honestly don't care what they do with the money. It's not my business. I'd more say it's not considered odd to give, more than I'd say it's "what's given". A lot of people don't give money. It's up to the Parents of the child to make sure their kid knows that the amount of money given, or the type of gift given, is unimportant. The fact that someone gives you a gift is.....a gift......If you are uncomfortable passing a child a check, don't give them one. You don't have to make a judgement call on other people giving them what they choose. A Bar Mitzvah is not a money grab. It is a very important religious event for which some people choose to give money as a gift.

$50 is fine. I'm Jewish and I've given $50. I am obviously aware of the "18" thing. I just don't do it. $18 is fine too. Give what you can. It's not a contest on who gives the largest gift. It also, as others have mentioned, does not need to be monetary. For my Bat Mitzvah a group of people that worked with my Dad brought an enormous bouquet of balloons. I don't remember all of the gifts, but I remember that enormous bouquet of balloons! I also got this little sheep that held a sign that said "Happy Baah-mitzvah" with my name on it and I loved it.

As a note, I did put the money I received in a bank account and used it as spending money my entire first year of College (for living expenses like money on my food card, not for shopping sprees). My husband put his in a Mutual Fund he also used the money from in College.

I think people who think money is "inelegant" don't understand a lot of cultures. This isn't a Jewish thing specific to Bar Mitzvahs. A lot of cultures give money. I've been to a Polish wedding where the couple danced around collecting dollars. This is a very normal thing to do for many people of many cultural backgrounds. They don't sell those long skinny wedding cards because the market for Jews giving gifts is so high.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because money is what's given, PP. The money is put into an account for college- the 13 yr old isn't going on a shopping spree or anything immediate.

Gift grab
As a standard rule it is rude to inquire how much a gift cost, so money is not a nice gift. As it is a friends child, an this obviously not a culture or custom you are engrossed in, I think you could follow the more elegant custom of giving a present.
A child might remember who gave what gift, but not who gave what amount.

Wow, you clearly have no concept of how bar/bat mitzvahs work. You give money. As the PP said, it goes into an account for college. You are helping celebrate this child becoming a man/woman and helping pay for their education (even in a small way) which is a major value in Judaism. Please don't impose your own cultural values (money is not a nice gift) on someone else's tradition.

Well, just don't invite people outside of your religion then

Anonymous wrote:I don't think the point of the event is to enrich the college savings account. Perhaps it becomes that for grandparents and close family members. But for the bus stop buddy it is a birthday gift..an itunes card..a book..earrings.

It's way out of date, but once upon a time the joking variation of "Today I am a man" was "Today I am a fountain pen."

I don't think the point of the event is to enrich the college savings account. Perhaps it becomes that for grandparents and close family members. But for the bus stop buddy it is a birthday gift..an itunes card..a book..earrings.

My child was given both tangible gifts and money. She was very grateful for both, and both were equally appropriate. Value and amount ranged widely.