8:38 here--oops, I as well just saw the update and if this person really is a nutball I think you are right to just disengage... but this advice about saying something we should all take, when people say asinine things, unless they are a little crazy!

I agree with the poster who said to say something. I am thinking this person either truly is clueless of your feelings, is jealous of your "freedom" and thus the post, or they might actually be a little bit mean and trying to twist the knife in. hard to know. Either way, they need to be made aware of the fact that their comments are hurtful and you are not going to take it. I'd nip it in the bud., You can be really nice about the way you phrase it, but somehow they need to understand that you'd give it all up for the chance to be a mom.

Thanks everyone, OP here. You all are right. Who knows what she'll say to me if she said something like that to my BIL? I guess I thought I could reason with her because she seems to want me to like her. (And in all honesty, I can see how my BIL might drive a woman to say crazy things!) I thought I could rely on the fact that she wants to impress me and that the soft approach might get her to think a little more before she says these things. It's not worth it though, if it could lead to some big fight and given her history, it could. Thanks for helping me work through this one.

This is 8:38. I wrote the message you could send to your SIL. If she really is off her rocker and would say horrible things like the baby isn't your BIL's, I'd probably just keep ignore her and not try to engage the crazy. That is a seriously awful thing to say to someone. It sounds like your husband is understanding and knows she's nuts (and maybe the rest of your family too?).

I've tried to minimize contact with the few people in my life that say terrible things. It doesn't hurt or sting any less when I hear stuff, but it helps a little if everyone around me also knows they're nutso. I think it's the justification that what I'm feeling is legit that I need.

Anyway, hope you are doing ok.

Anonymous wrote:OP again. DH and I ended up spending all day yesterday on house chores. I still haven't said anything to her. DH's response was that we should just ignore it. He thinks she's only a step away from crazy anyway and that she would not understand. (She and my BIL had a fight a few months back and to get even with him she told him the baby wasn't his.) I guess I just don't have his ability to compartmentalize. Maybe I should let it sit. The last thing I need is to get into a tizzy with this gal.

With this new information I no longer recommend trying to explain yourself. Just do your best to tune out her words in general.

I really wish you all the best.

OP, so sorry for your loss yet do not engage the crazy! As hard as it is, you can do this and let it sit. If she told your BIL he wasn't the father who knows what kind ofcrazy she could unlease.... you will not get the response you want for her, ever. Be good to yourself, block or delete her, but family drama/fight with a crazy person will be so much worse than any of us can imagine.

OP again. DH and I ended up spending all day yesterday on house chores. I still haven't said anything to her. DH's response was that we should just ignore it. He thinks she's only a step away from crazy anyway and that she would not understand. (She and my BIL had a fight a few months back and to get even with him she told him the baby wasn't his.) I guess I just don't have his ability to compartmentalize. Maybe I should let it sit. The last thing I need is to get into a tizzy with this gal.

OP. I am SOOOoooooo sorry for your losses! I am reeling from my second loss, barely standing.

I am sorry about the insensitivity of people. I've gotten plenty of it today. The gem was "We can discuss ways for you to have a child in your life"--I'm looking for MY child, not some big brother/big sister situation!!!

What I'm over 40 so I don't deserve motherhood? This was a woman who struggled with infertility herself, by the way.

I had another supposed friend (I am never talking with her again, she's so obtuse and self-centered) who told me, after a tearful conversation about my miscarriage, about how she envied me because she would love to go through her house without tripping over a child or a toy.

I don't believe these people are insensitive, they're gloating. And I hope that they feel the same hell of being dismissed at a time when their hearts are breaking open the widest.

OP, I am very sorry, and I also wouldn't say anything. It won't do any good. You are super-sensitive, AS YOU SHOULD BE, but she's not being deliberately hurtful. When I had my miscarriage, after 7 other rounds of IVF (this was the only one that worked, the miscarriage one), my sister tried to make me feel better by stocking my house with "forbidden" pregnancy things - sushi, stinky cheese, etc. I know she was not being deliberately hurtful, she was trying. It was cutting, but it was...it was well-intentioned. Your SIL is just being a moron. No sense in saying anything, IMHO, it rarely makes a difference and just causes issues. Also, with someone like that, you don't want to show any weakness - any sense that they've hurt you. Pride, I guess.

OP, I'm soooooo sorry for your loss...and this just rubs salt in your wounds. I myself am so over the "you're so lucky to have free time" card...like there is anything you wouldn't do to not have the flexibility to go on a night out with your DH!!!

And since this is someone who is in your life for the long haul, and given the finality of your RE's recent opinion, I do agree that it might make sense to address it. But since this is primary a connection through your DH, can he address it with his brother? That might come off better since they have the pre-established relationship. And he can also couch it in how it hurts his feelings as well.

I know that my DH's family (who more or less know the details of our treatments etc) often check with him before reaching out to me...just to make sure timing is good etc. I know it may feel tempting to want a completely open relationship with your in laws, but that doesn't seem possible in this case...so making your husband a shield may help (and prevent you from saying something that however justified could start a ruckus with his family).

OP I am sorry for your losses as well! i would say something to her!

So sorry for your losses.

You can block her from seeing what you post, do she still is your 'friend' but she won't see what you post and therefore won't comment unless you let her see that post.

It works, I know because I have my MIL blocked

I don't use facebook enough to know but can you not unfriend her but figure out a way to also not see the things she posts? Is there a hide function or something similar?

Just remember, we here understand and are so very (very) sorry for and sad about your recent and past losses. Not to mention the very real scare it sounds like you just lived through.

Focus on your health and yourself right now. You deserve it and should feel free to block out all other noise.

8:38 here. Thanks OP. I find calling someone an idiot may feel really good but doesn't get you very far. They just don't get why you're made at them. It's like yelling at a brick. Usually, if I explain it step by step, they get it.

This is all just so very terrible, isn't it?