As someone who was a server in college, I completely agree with PP's who said tone is everything. It's not what you say, it's how you say it.

You can tell so much about people by how they treat servers.

Teach your children to be respectful of others, both explicitly and by your example.

I don't have a problem with saying "thanks" instead of "please" per se. I wonder if your DH objects to something in your overall demeanor? Do you think servers are inferior to you? If so, it probably shows.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In your situation, I take the "thanks" to mean "thanks for taking our order." Not thanks for the food you'll get in 10 minutes.

I don't see anything wrong with it, although I prefer "please" in that situation myself.

However, it's your overall tone and attitude that will leave the biggest impression on your kids. So being polite in general (you are) is awesome.

Agree with this. I say thanks when they take the order and then thanks when they deliver the food. "Please" sounds a bit off in this circumstance. "Please" has an element of a request, which may or may not be granted. But waitstaff don't have the power to decide ("well, you've been a good customer and you ate your salad, so yes, you can have the chocolate mousse"!), so I think saying either "please" or "thanks" when they take the order is socially acceptable in that circumstance.

OP, why does this have so much importance? Does your husband think you generally have bad manners, or do you two disagree a lot in how to raise your child?

This is exactly how I feel as well, and also agree with PP above who said tone, etc., is as important as words. (And I was a waitress is high school and college.)

We all say thanks to the person who seats us, then again when they hand us the menu, then again whe our order is taken, and again when the food arrives, and again when they check in on how things are, when we get the check we asked for. Probably say the word thanks at least a half dozen times. I am thankful for not cooking, and my family is thankful to get out and not eat something I made.

A waiter or waitress is an adult. I expect my child to be as polite as possible to all adults, without auditing their bank account/diploma/brag wall/resume to see whether they are "worthy" of basic respect and courtesy.

Whether we're talking to dad's boss, the priest after church or the balloon twister at the birthday party, I expect my kids to try and make eye contact, respond to basic conversational questions (how old are you? what grade are you in?) and couch any requests in the form of "May I please...? / Thank you."

Saying "please" when you ask for something is the kind of basic manners kids are taught as soon as they can talk. Why on earth would you teach your kids that they should only use manners with some people, some of the time?

Who the hell justifies withholding basic courtesies just because someone is "getting paid" to "perform a service"?

What a shitty attitude.

I think politeness with waitstaff is more than using please or thank you; it's how you phrase your words and the tone you use. I generally say, "May I have x?" or "I would like x." Making eye contact, being pleasant, etc. is important.

I agree that if you're modeling behavior for young children, saying please is probably the best and easiest way.

Anonymous wrote:No need to say please in a restaurant that has this sign on the wall:

ALL OUR WAITRESSES ARE MARRIED. THEY KNOW HOW TO TAKE ORDERS.

Wow. Is this really hanging up anywhere? What a shitty message.

What I hate (and my DH does this): "I'll take the ...."

For some reason it sounds rude and low class to me.

No need to say please in a restaurant that has this sign on the wall:

ALL OUR WAITRESSES ARE MARRIED. THEY KNOW HOW TO TAKE ORDERS.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not a favor. It is the person's job to take the order. "I will have the chicken, thanks," is totally acceptable at a restaurant. Obv if asking Grandma to make her chicken, please is in order.

Even if it is their job, why is it so hard to say "please"? Really, people, does it make you feel that much more superior to withhold please from a waitress when putting in your order? Is that how you fuel your ego?

It takes no more effort to be polite. Go for it.

x1000. Waited tables for several years in college and it always amazed me how some people felt that common courtesy didn't apply to people in their service. It's not that much more difficult to insert the words "please" and "thank you." Says a lot about a person's character and class if they aren't polite to servers, housekeepers, and other people in their service.

Anonymous wrote:In your situation, I take the "thanks" to mean "thanks for taking our order." Not thanks for the food you'll get in 10 minutes.

I don't see anything wrong with it, although I prefer "please" in that situation myself.

However, it's your overall tone and attitude that will leave the biggest impression on your kids. So being polite in general (you are) is awesome.

Agree with this. I say thanks when they take the order and then thanks when they deliver the food. "Please" sounds a bit off in this circumstance. "Please" has an element of a request, which may or may not be granted. But waitstaff don't have the power to decide ("well, you've been a good customer and you ate your salad, so yes, you can have the chocolate mousse"!), so I think saying either "please" or "thanks" when they take the order is socially acceptable in that circumstance.

OP, why does this have so much importance? Does your husband think you generally have bad manners, or do you two disagree a lot in how to raise your child?

Anonymous wrote:Are you supposed to say thank you when they refill your drink ?

Why wouldn't you say thank you when someone does something for you?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not a favor. It is the person's job to take the order. "I will have the chicken, thanks," is totally acceptable at a restaurant. Obv if asking Grandma to make her chicken, please is in order.

Even if it is their job, why is it so hard to say "please"? Really, people, does it make you feel that much more superior to withhold please from a waitress when putting in your order? Is that how you fuel your ego?

It takes no more effort to be polite. Go for it.

I agree with this. My DH omits please from requests (in restaurants and in general) and it makes me nuts because it sounds so rude to me. In fact, his entire family is unacquainted with please and thank you.

I agree with your DH, you should be modeling please and thank you for your kids.

I think it would be better manners to say please, but as long as you say thanks you are not being rude.

I think as a general rule you should always say please and thank you to everyone you meet, even people whose job is to serve you. It's a basic foundation of civility.