Yes, OP, you are superior mom and woman. Feel better now?

But seriously, if your DH is really concerned, why doesn't he speak to his ex in a non-confrontational way and ask what he can do to help with this situation. maybe the DD is embarrassed about something personal she doesn't want her dad's help with now that she is older.

12 is the age when kids' hygiene needs change. Your child who did just fine with a bath every few days, suddenly needs one every day, plus deodorant soap and deodorant.

For kids with special needs this transition can be tough. Routines are hard to shift, both for the kid and for the parent who may be juggling therapy times, a longer commute to a special school, and the fact that everything takes longer with a special needs child. In addition, parents may be coming to terms with the fact that their child is growing up, and kids may be less sensitive to the social messages from peers. Finally, this is generally an age when girls can be really moody and noncompliant. Put this altogether, and it can be a rough transition.

I guess what I'm saying is that while it sounds like mom and daughter need a new routine, it can take some time to develop one. The fact that she's suddenly smelling "now", may be the result of the daughter growing up, not of increasing neglect.

It's hard to know exactly what to suggest, without knowing the special needs.

I wonder if the problem is the nanny. If this is a person who needs personal care, who cannot manage her own hygiene, I don't see any problem farming that out to someone else. The mother is neglectful in not overseeing the process but if this is something she can't handle, make sure there is someone who can, especially if this is the only concern. The daughter is very attached to her mother so I think the suggestion of taking custody is misguided. There is a bond there. Maybe if OP's DH approaches his ex in a problem-solving tone rather than an accusatory tone -- she has this problem, what can we both do to solve it? -- they could come up with a solution. But if it becomes " you are taking poor care of our daughter" you won't get anywhere.

Sue for custody or move closer to the kid. Seriously. If you think the mother is doing that bad a job, step up.

Anonymous wrote:By the way, he's not a hero for visiting her once a month. Is this what you want for your child?

Seriously, what does this have to do with the issue. Many NCP's get very little time with their kids, so he is very lucky to get this much. Instead, why not say how great that Dad is so involved and has a wife who is so caring about the child.

OP: I'd spend more time trying to teach her self-care and make sure she has the supplies (soap, shampoo, deodorant - she may need a different kind or brand than her mom buys, tooth paste, etc).

Anonymous wrote:His ex would never let him take the daughter full time. That doesn't sound weird. 2 years ago, she wouldn't even let him bring her up to our house...unless she came too!! She has asked him to sign away his legal rights to her a few months back. If she dies ( the ex ) she doesn't want my husband to have her full time..she wan't other family to have her.

Ok, this is clearly a control issue. Is she crazy? She want's her. She has a PADDED support system but, isn't keeping her clean and doesn't seem like she want's to be around her. She sounds nuts!

His ex would never let him take the daughter full time. That doesn't sound weird. 2 years ago, she wouldn't even let him bring her up to our house...unless she came too!! She has asked him to sign away his legal rights to her a few months back. If she dies ( the ex ) she doesn't want my husband to have her full time..she wan't other family to have her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a special needs problem as well as a divorce problem. Maybe the mother is overwhelmed caring for a SN child by herself and needs some orientation and support.

I agree. She does have lot's of support, probably never enough...but she has a nanny and several babysitters. She has a nice support network. And my husband provides very well.

OMG, a nanny! The mom isn't taking good care of this child. Black and white, your husband needs to address the issue. Black and white it is a fine line because he isn't the primary care giver.

The mom doesn't sound like she is caring for her and doesn't want to be around her that much.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When your DH picks up his DC, is it at the end of the day? If so, my kids smell at the end of everyday. 12-16 is the worst. Sometimes my 16 y.o. smells an hour after his last shower.

Does she seem clean otherwise? Or is dirt building up?

Does your DH's ex have other children and/or help with your DH's DC?

If she is the sole caregiver of this child, kuddos to her - that is a very difficult row to hoe. She may need more support. Do you or your DH take her for the summer? Most of the exes I know where one has moved a fair distance away, have the children live with one parent during the school year (with minimal visitation of the other parent- similar to your DH's) and split or vacations or have the children go to the other parent's house for the summer.

You answered some of my questions while I was typing. It sounds more like neglect. Can you and DH take his daughter fulltime? If his ex doesn't see a problem, I don't know what else there is to do.

ThankYou!
Dirt seems to be building up. The fungus infection was a severe case. My doctor said the medications she was on, it had to be a awful case and he even suggested neglect.
She has a nice (very nice support system). She is remarried. She has a nice support system. She works, has a her family take her to school in the am and a sitter pick her up. She is able to spend most of her weekend horse back riding. She doesn't have any other children. We have her for several week stretches in the summer. The daughter doesn't do well if we go beyond a few days but we try. After a few days, she cries and asks mom every minute of the day. When you calculate the mom's time away from her during the day and on weekends she doesn't sound like she spends that much time with her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a special needs problem as well as a divorce problem. Maybe the mother is overwhelmed caring for a SN child by herself and needs some orientation and support.

I agree. She does have lot's of support, probably never enough...but she has a nanny and several babysitters. She has a nice support network. And my husband provides very well.

Wow! I wish I had that help!! Something is wrong. The mother isn't taking good care of the daughter.

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a special needs problem as well as a divorce problem. Maybe the mother is overwhelmed caring for a SN child by herself and needs some orientation and support.

I agree. She does have lot's of support, probably never enough...but she has a nanny and several babysitters. She has a nice support network. And my husband provides very well.

Anonymous wrote:When your DH picks up his DC, is it at the end of the day? If so, my kids smell at the end of everyday. 12-16 is the worst. Sometimes my 16 y.o. smells an hour after his last shower.

Does she seem clean otherwise? Or is dirt building up?

Does your DH's ex have other children and/or help with your DH's DC?

If she is the sole caregiver of this child, kuddos to her - that is a very difficult row to hoe. She may need more support. Do you or your DH take her for the summer? Most of the exes I know where one has moved a fair distance away, have the children live with one parent during the school year (with minimal visitation of the other parent- similar to your DH's) and split or vacations or have the children go to the other parent's house for the summer.

You answered some of my questions while I was typing. It sounds more like neglect. Can you and DH take his daughter fulltime? If his ex doesn't see a problem, I don't know what else there is to do.

Yup, you don't want to piss off his ex who has her most of the time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Huge red flag!! She is not being cared for correctly.

I agree!

+100. Sad. It has to be frustrating for you. I would encourage your husband to talk to his ex. This is a tough one.