Please call a therapist. There are sliding-scale therapists available; check GW and other teaching hospitals.
My DH died suddenly (heart attack) and i'm raising our two young children without their dad. Yes, they are amazing, resilient kids but his absence is felt EVERY day and permeates our lives. And that is the loss of their dad, not their mom who was their primary caretaker. The toddler doesn't understand yet. My 8 yr old struggles with anxiety, tics, thinks our family is weird, and statisticly is at risk due to lack of father. And as the kids reach each developmental stage, they will process and grieve his death anew. Add to that equation the added trauma of loss of a parent by suicide?
I am clawing my way back, but let me tell you: it is no picnic. And the insurance money feels like blood money.

Ps i know a family and kids went to college for not much due to family's lack of resources. Ivy league.

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all for your input. I expected more flames, but maybe I just haven't waited long enough.

I'm actually not depressed. And I doubt that I would actually go through with suicide (not to say I haven't thought about the wheres and hows). I would probably default first and just live in the shadow of the law for the rest of my life. Given that I am in my late 30s, we are running out of time to turn this situation around. On DCUM everyone is talking about 529s and how much they have saved for retirement (not to mention the vacations, private schools, country clubs, nannies, summer camps, and on and on) and all I can do is laugh because that is so far removed from what we will ever be capable of. I didn't understand the importance of money when I was in my 20s. I thought I didn't care about money, that I wanted to "help people" instead, and now money is all I can think about morning, noon and night and the person who needs help is me. I had no idea what it really cost to live a reasonably comfortable middle class life with a family. My kids are already learning about the important of money and sound financial planning. I don't ever want them to have to be in this position -- although since we won't be able to pay for their college, I'm not sure how to prevent them from taking on any educational debt.

I still think that from a financial perspective, my death makes the most sense. It would be better if I just had a heart attack or got cancer, though, as I understand that suicide is uniquely terrible for kids. I definitely want to do what is best for them.

13:59 here. OP, are you for real?

I'm sorry, but you have no idea what you are talking about. Getting cancer wouldn't be 'better' from a financial perspective, because you don't just 'drop dead' from it, you go through a lot of painful and costly procedures, and, even dying from it, you'll need hospice, which is not free. Upon your death, your next-of-kin will be left with a lot of medical bills.

Suicide outweighs debt should say above

Please watch "its a wonderful life" and call a therapist pronto. You a a loved valued Mom, the scars you would leave by suicide debt by any means. Half the country is in debt, you are not alone, your children only have 1 beautiful blessed Mother-- you.

Geez, OP.. Except for your obvious depression, are you otherwise healthy?

I am a cancer survivor. I went through a year and a half of treatments, two surgeries, (one with a serious complication) that left me essentually disabled. We've racked up significant debt as a result of my illness, despite the fact that our insurance is pretty good, and the worst part is, it still ain't over - my cancer has a high recurrence rate, so I'm basically waiting for the other shoe to drop.

My children is the only thing that kept me going during my ordeal. The only thing. In my most dark moments I also thought of ending it, once and for all, to spare everyone the trouble (my thinking was somewhat similar to yours - DH would move on, remarry, and they will all live happily ever after), but I just couldn't do it to my kids.

Please, don't do it to yours.

I would think seriously about returning to work. You will certainly not be able to pay back the debt or get them discharged while you at at home.
I would also think about cutting expenses back further. Look at the thread on the family surviving on 14k/year. It can be done. If you slash your expenses to the bare minimum and look for other opportunities to earn money you might be able to pay the debt off in 3-4 years.

Thanks all for your input. I expected more flames, but maybe I just haven't waited long enough.

I'm actually not depressed. And I doubt that I would actually go through with suicide (not to say I haven't thought about the wheres and hows). I would probably default first and just live in the shadow of the law for the rest of my life. Given that I am in my late 30s, we are running out of time to turn this situation around. On DCUM everyone is talking about 529s and how much they have saved for retirement (not to mention the vacations, private schools, country clubs, nannies, summer camps, and on and on) and all I can do is laugh because that is so far removed from what we will ever be capable of. I didn't understand the importance of money when I was in my 20s. I thought I didn't care about money, that I wanted to "help people" instead, and now money is all I can think about morning, noon and night and the person who needs help is me. I had no idea what it really cost to live a reasonably comfortable middle class life with a family. My kids are already learning about the important of money and sound financial planning. I don't ever want them to have to be in this position -- although since we won't be able to pay for their college, I'm not sure how to prevent them from taking on any educational debt.

I still think that from a financial perspective, my death makes the most sense. It would be better if I just had a heart attack or got cancer, though, as I understand that suicide is uniquely terrible for kids. I definitely want to do what is best for them.

Anonymous wrote:Charge the monthly payments for your student loans on a credit card or use convenience checks to make the payments. Once maxed out, you can declare bankruptcy and at least clear up credit card debt and some student loan debt. You can declare bankruptcy twice in a lifetime.

Supposedly lenders are hip to that set-up now and it's harder to get cc debt from student loan payment charged off.

OP, you are so much more valuable than you know. Your debts do not invalidate you as a person. Your family needs you.

Hugs to you and please talk to someone you trust about this, if you haven't already.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am going to state this first- not trying to be morbid- but some life insurance policies do not pay out for suicides. I just wanted to throw that out there.

REGARDLESS you are more vaulable to your family than any amount of money. It sounds like you are despair right now, but you WILL make it work. Know you do have options and seeing a financial advisor or someone will help you.

Even if you *think* your kids and DH would get over it, you have no idea. Your DH could fall into a depression, lose his job, not be able to care for the kids, its not worth it.

I think you should reach out for some help to try and restructure your debt and also to get some counseling for your feelings. This will pass, please do not give up.

I think this is actually the case with all life insurance policies.

Not true. Many policies have a waiting period. That is, the person had to have had the policy for three years before the suicide before the policy would pay out.

This is your depression talking, and I can understand that things are tough now, but you need to formulate a plan so that you can get yourself out of this situation. Dont let it own you - you are too smart for that.

Forget how much $$ you can make working over and above daycare.

Instead, work with the goal of having your student loan debt forgiven in 10 years, even if your paycheck can't contribute to any bills. Ask the US Dept of Ed for the list of places where you can work to get loan forgiveness after 10 years and pick one of those. I think certain nonprofit organizations count.

And everybody is employable, trust me. It's just being at the right place at the right time (or your job app) or knowing the right person or being lucky. Know you WILL get a job, even if it's a nite job. Maybe one doing something you find fun and rewarding.

There are some things I might kill myself over, but money would never be one of them. It doesn't matter enough - and certainly not compared with things like the love of children for their mother.

Charge the monthly payments for your student loans on a credit card or use convenience checks to make the payments. Once maxed out, you can declare bankruptcy and at least clear up credit card debt and some student loan debt. You can declare bankruptcy twice in a lifetime.

OP, the most important reason not to do this is that the suicide of a parent significantly increases the risk of suicide for the children when they grow up. Think about it. This statistic reflects two things: 1) you provide a model for acceptable behavior-- suicide, and 2) for that statistic to be true, there must be a whole lot more people who are traumatized and depressed over the suicide of a parent whose experience wrecks their emotional lives than just the ones who go so far as to kill themselves as well.

I'm starting another thread in this forum for other posters to tell about the things their parents gave them that didn't cost any money. I hope, OP, that it will help you appreciate all the wonderful things that you have to offer your children. You are not replaceable in their lives!

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm going to treat your question seriously rather than as the cry for help it is presumably intended to be. But I have a question for you: have you ever lost someone you love? Would you trade that person's life for any amount of financial resources? I lost my mother at the age of 37, and there is nothing I wouldn't give to have her back. And that was an adult. No amount of life insurance will ever begin to compensate for the harm that you would do your children to lose their mother in childhood.
I have student loans and some financial pressures, I understand the feeling of desperation. But it's a profoundly false logic. Please, call a hotline or go to anyone you trust and let them help you find the help you need - help navigating your financial problems, and much much more.

This x 1,000