Anonymous
03/05/2013 19:14
Subject: I am mean, unhappy and make everyone miserable
Post Partum Depression became chronic low grade depression for me. I am the one for whom Wellbutrin has made a big difference. I did not treat my post partum (which was bad, suicidal at times) and tried to work my way out of depression with small kids for too many years. Finally, I agreed to trying medication. Now I remember what I used to feel like and who I used to be. It has been life changing.
Anonymous
03/05/2013 19:14
Subject: Re:I am mean, unhappy and make everyone miserable
Anonymous wrote:This is OP - I feel like I am learning so much about myself reading your responses, thank you! I honestly thought I had myself figured out, but I keep reading and thinking "yep, I do this, and that". I never thought of myself as a take-charge person, but over the last few years at least, I do feel like I need to take on the responsibility, to make sure stuff gets done. I guess I have lost confidence that DH can handle things without being reminded 10 times. Some of this is his fault, some of it is mine for enabling it, and some of it is just in my head. He is a perfectly capable, smart and kind individual. I have often thought - the only other person I can fully trust is my mother, the older I get the more I appreciate her. I know that's nuts. I guess I am more like her than I ever imagined, even in my relationship with DH.
I do internalize a lot, and feel guilty about a lot. For example, DH really needed to take some shirts to the cleaners' for a meeting the next day. He couldn't do it because he leaves the house too early. I was supposed to do it, but in the upset over our fight, I forgot. Today I realized that he probably went to his meeting with a dirty shirt, and I feel awful. I can't even do this, what kind of wife am I? These are pretty common thoughts for me. I either feel like a bad wife, or a bad mother, or usually both.
The thought of PPD has occurred to me more than a few times. I went through a similar period after my first child was born, it coincided with going back to work, so I thought it was more stress than depression. I was able to pull myself out of it exactly with focusing on positive things, thoughts of gratitude etc. I am not succeeding this time though...
Post Partum Depression became chronic low grade depression for me. I am the one for whom Wellbutrin has made a big difference. I did not treat my post partum (which was bad, suicidal at times) and tried to work my way out of depression with small kids for too many years. Finally, I agreed to trying medication. Now I remember what I used to feel like and who I used to be. It has been life changing.
Anyway, this is already starting to feel way too self-indulgent of a post, thanks for reading, and offering advice. I truly found it very helpful and it has given me a lot to think about!
Anonymous
03/05/2013 17:25
Subject: Re:I am mean, unhappy and make everyone miserable
This is OP - I feel like I am learning so much about myself reading your responses, thank you! I honestly thought I had myself figured out, but I keep reading and thinking "yep, I do this, and that". I never thought of myself as a take-charge person, but over the last few years at least, I do feel like I need to take on the responsibility, to make sure stuff gets done. I guess I have lost confidence that DH can handle things without being reminded 10 times. Some of this is his fault, some of it is mine for enabling it, and some of it is just in my head. He is a perfectly capable, smart and kind individual. I have often thought - the only other person I can fully trust is my mother, the older I get the more I appreciate her. I know that's nuts. I guess I am more like her than I ever imagined, even in my relationship with DH.
I do internalize a lot, and feel guilty about a lot. For example, DH really needed to take some shirts to the cleaners' for a meeting the next day. He couldn't do it because he leaves the house too early. I was supposed to do it, but in the upset over our fight, I forgot. Today I realized that he probably went to his meeting with a dirty shirt, and I feel awful. I can't even do this, what kind of wife am I? These are pretty common thoughts for me. I either feel like a bad wife, or a bad mother, or usually both.
The thought of PPD has occurred to me more than a few times. I went through a similar period after my first child was born, it coincided with going back to work, so I thought it was more stress than depression. I was able to pull myself out of it exactly with focusing on positive things, thoughts of gratitude etc. I am not succeeding this time though...
Anyway, this is already starting to feel way too self-indulgent of a post, thanks for reading, and offering advice. I truly found it very helpful and it has given me a lot to think about!
I do internalize a lot, and feel guilty about a lot. For example, DH really needed to take some shirts to the cleaners' for a meeting the next day. He couldn't do it because he leaves the house too early. I was supposed to do it, but in the upset over our fight, I forgot. Today I realized that he probably went to his meeting with a dirty shirt, and I feel awful. I can't even do this, what kind of wife am I? These are pretty common thoughts for me. I either feel like a bad wife, or a bad mother, or usually both.
The thought of PPD has occurred to me more than a few times. I went through a similar period after my first child was born, it coincided with going back to work, so I thought it was more stress than depression. I was able to pull myself out of it exactly with focusing on positive things, thoughts of gratitude etc. I am not succeeding this time though...
Anyway, this is already starting to feel way too self-indulgent of a post, thanks for reading, and offering advice. I truly found it very helpful and it has given me a lot to think about!
Anonymous
03/05/2013 12:56
Subject: Re:I am mean, unhappy and make everyone miserable
Anonymous wrote:Disagree with most of the posters.
You sound overwhelmed by "running the show" and are internalizing (mean, unhappy) an external problem (too much responsibility, inequitable division of labor). You seem concerned that you are resentful when you are washing the dishes and DH is on the sofa. But why wouldn't you be? You are going to tie yourself into knots if you pretend you are not resentful. Instead take action. DH sounds like a not unreasonable guy. So ask him what he'd like to take over since the responsibilty aspect seems most onerous for you. It's completely ridiculous that he can't, e.g., pay bills (presumably he did so before you met), and might be happy to do so now. Divide chores things up more equally. If you disagree on certain standards (i.e. you want perfection), then you outsource if you can afford, let it slide (my vote), or if your DH's objection is reasonable, you do it, and then and only then, it makes sense to let go of the anger.
I agree with this approach. Too bad I can't fully live it, and haven't let go of the anger. I have learned to have the WTH attitude when DH complains about anything, since he does jack shit around the house and NOTHING unless I ask him to do it. I have my own priorities, don't care about his.
Anonymous
03/05/2013 12:45
Subject: Re:I am mean, unhappy and make everyone miserable
Do you consider yourself a type A alpha woman-- successful at work, at school, good at giving direction, taking on multiple tasks and proud of it? Sometimes I wonder if men end up stepping back quite a bit when they marry women like this, taking on a "if she can handle it all, let her handle it all" mentality. I used to be that way more until I realized how much my husband seemed to like problem-solving and being needed. At one point he even commented that when dating some men lose interest in women who can do it all themselves because it becomes obvious that they don't really "need" the men for much else other than procreation. Although I'm pregnant and he still expects me to do what I can of my share-- laundry, dishes, making a simple meal-- since I've stepped back and asked him for help, I find that my husband takes the bull by the horns quite a bit without my asking, which is great.
A few questions to consider? Since you've been married, have you had some sort of division of labor? How was he when your kids were born? Did he help out without asking or were you doing all of the baby work? If he's capable of taking on some stuff, let him take it on. Also, was your own mother a "take charge" woman? We often repeat our own childhood home lives, sometimes unconsciously.
A few questions to consider? Since you've been married, have you had some sort of division of labor? How was he when your kids were born? Did he help out without asking or were you doing all of the baby work? If he's capable of taking on some stuff, let him take it on. Also, was your own mother a "take charge" woman? We often repeat our own childhood home lives, sometimes unconsciously.
Anonymous
03/05/2013 10:56
Subject: I am mean, unhappy and make everyone miserable
You sound like you have PPD. I think a therapist is a good idea.
Anonymous
03/05/2013 10:52
Subject: I am mean, unhappy and make everyone miserable
Anonymous wrote:That is pretty much what my husband said to me last night... I wish I could say he was completely wrong, but I feel that way on the inside too...
My life revolves around taking care of my family - I work full time at a demanding job with a long commute, I handle most household matters, I am in charge of paying the bills and deciding what's for dinner...
And I am also not very patient, don't let things slide, and get resentful if my husband is sitting on the couch and I am doing dishes.
I want to move away from thinking about things with a 50/50 mindset. I want to be happy with my life, instead of always worrying about the next chore, the next bill, or how much weight I need to lose. Ever since my second child was born a year ago, I have felt lost, unsatisfied, and like nothing brings me joy anymore.
Please, give me some small things I can do to start turning things around and feel happy - I have a lot to be grateful for, I don't know why I am so pessimistic all the time.
You actually have 3 children. Your lazy ass husband is the 3rd. He is complaining that you are mean and unhappy? What an idiot.
Anonymous
03/05/2013 10:36
Subject: Re:I am mean, unhappy and make everyone miserable
Disagree with most of the posters.
You sound overwhelmed by "running the show" and are internalizing (mean, unhappy) an external problem (too much responsibility, inequitable division of labor). You seem concerned that you are resentful when you are washing the dishes and DH is on the sofa. But why wouldn't you be? You are going to tie yourself into knots if you pretend you are not resentful. Instead take action. DH sounds like a not unreasonable guy. So ask him what he'd like to take over since the responsibilty aspect seems most onerous for you. It's completely ridiculous that he can't, e.g., pay bills (presumably he did so before you met), and might be happy to do so now. Divide chores things up more equally. If you disagree on certain standards (i.e. you want perfection), then you outsource if you can afford, let it slide (my vote), or if your DH's objection is reasonable, you do it, and then and only then, it makes sense to let go of the anger.
You sound overwhelmed by "running the show" and are internalizing (mean, unhappy) an external problem (too much responsibility, inequitable division of labor). You seem concerned that you are resentful when you are washing the dishes and DH is on the sofa. But why wouldn't you be? You are going to tie yourself into knots if you pretend you are not resentful. Instead take action. DH sounds like a not unreasonable guy. So ask him what he'd like to take over since the responsibilty aspect seems most onerous for you. It's completely ridiculous that he can't, e.g., pay bills (presumably he did so before you met), and might be happy to do so now. Divide chores things up more equally. If you disagree on certain standards (i.e. you want perfection), then you outsource if you can afford, let it slide (my vote), or if your DH's objection is reasonable, you do it, and then and only then, it makes sense to let go of the anger.
Anonymous
03/05/2013 08:55
Subject: I am mean, unhappy and make everyone miserable
Anonymous wrote:That is pretty much what my husband said to me last night... I wish I could say he was completely wrong, but I feel that way on the inside too...
My life revolves around taking care of my family - I work full time at a demanding job with a long commute, I handle most household matters, I am in charge of paying the bills and deciding what's for dinner...
And I am also not very patient, don't let things slide, and get resentful if my husband is sitting on the couch and I am doing dishes.
I want to move away from thinking about things with a 50/50 mindset. I want to be happy with my life, instead of always worrying about the next chore, the next bill, or how much weight I need to lose. Ever since my second child was born a year ago, I have felt lost, unsatisfied, and like nothing brings me joy anymore.
Please, give me some small things I can do to start turning things around and feel happy - I have a lot to be grateful for, I don't know why I am so pessimistic all the time.
I would take a lesson from my mother -- and it is one that I have been trying to teach my DW. Lesson number 1: STOP TRYING TO BE PERFECT! You don't need a perfectly clean house, or be the perfect weight. If there are some things that can you can let slide at least as the household is concerned, there is no crime in letting it go.
Anonymous
03/05/2013 07:34
Subject: I am mean, unhappy and make everyone miserable
Anonymous wrote:Get some bloodwork done. It might be something as simple as taking supplements. Certain vitamins can make a huge difference! If you are difficient, it might make a world of difference once you get it corrected.
GOOD LUCK!
Also, kick your husband in the ass every once in a while. He might not get his act together, but you'll feel better! LOL!
Anonymous
03/05/2013 07:33
Subject: I am mean, unhappy and make everyone miserable
Get some bloodwork done. It might be something as simple as taking supplements. Certain vitamins can make a huge difference! If you are difficient, it might make a world of difference once you get it corrected.
GOOD LUCK!
GOOD LUCK!
Anonymous
03/04/2013 20:49
Subject: I am mean, unhappy and make everyone miserable
Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound a lot like me about 10 years ago. Things got better as my kids got older, but the thing that helped me the most was (you guessed it) therapy. Ironically, I only started going because I decided to go back to school to become a therapist and needed to be in therapy for that. The experience was life changing, but I resisted it for many, many years. Not enough time, too much money, not wanting to "open the floodgates", not wanting to seem weak or self-indulgent -- these were all of my excuses. I wish I had gone to therapy sooner. It would have made me a much happier mom when my kids were small.
Me too-- could have written this. In addition, what worked for me: grate fullness journal; small love notes to my husband and children on a weekly basis; connecting to whatever spiritual faith you have; more sex ( I know you don't feel like it) coffee dates or walking dates with friends on weekends; less sugar; less wine; vitamin d and to be honest wellbutrin has been a life saver. Full physical perhaps a wholistic dr, check hormones , thyroid, iron, d levels etc. Meditation has really helped too if you are open to that I can give you some ideas. Massage 1x a month. I have been you I get it, but I almost lost both my sanity and my marriage by not addressing it.
Anonymous
03/04/2013 20:29
Subject: I am mean, unhappy and make everyone miserable
OP, you sound a lot like me about 10 years ago. Things got better as my kids got older, but the thing that helped me the most was (you guessed it) therapy. Ironically, I only started going because I decided to go back to school to become a therapist and needed to be in therapy for that. The experience was life changing, but I resisted it for many, many years. Not enough time, too much money, not wanting to "open the floodgates", not wanting to seem weak or self-indulgent -- these were all of my excuses. I wish I had gone to therapy sooner. It would have made me a much happier mom when my kids were small.
Anonymous
03/04/2013 20:24
Subject: Re:I am mean, unhappy and make everyone miserable
OP, I feel your pain. Same boat here. We both work f/t (me longer hours since I work at night), but I handle nearly everything else, from researching and applying for schools to paying each and every bill, handling taxes, our finances, investments/debts, and filing insurance claims to cooking meals, organizing closets, playdates, doctor's appointments, and picking up DH's ties and socks everywhere. He does grocery shopping and doing 50 percent of the bedtimes and bathtimes and maybe 25 percent of the dishes. I do everything else, though we have a cleaning service for deep cleaning. I was okay with this with one kid, since on the weekend I would at least get to the gym or sleep in for at least one of those days, but with two little ones I never, ever get a break, unless I am going to the dentist. I have become angry and depressed and short with everyone. I have pleaded with DH to do more, which works for like a day, and then falls apart. I love my kids, starting to hate my life and the worst part is that DH isn't lazy, just incompetent.
I should see a therapist but I literally have no time. If I had a free 2 hours a week, maybe I wouldn't need a therapist.
I should see a therapist but I literally have no time. If I had a free 2 hours a week, maybe I wouldn't need a therapist.
Anonymous
03/04/2013 18:59
Subject: I am mean, unhappy and make everyone miserable
In a way I am in the same boat, but my husband does less. Each day I try to do something small for myself that makes *me* happy (e.g. take a bath, go to the store by myself, read an article, or what I am doing now --- surf dcurbanmom
After I get that small 'me time', even if 15-30 minutes, I tend to appreciate what I have.My life may not be perfect (and very hectic WOHM) but I realize I am better off than many who are less fortunate. I do still have my down days ... but I am trying my best to find ways to reduce those days.
After I get that small 'me time', even if 15-30 minutes, I tend to appreciate what I have.My life may not be perfect (and very hectic WOHM) but I realize I am better off than many who are less fortunate. I do still have my down days ... but I am trying my best to find ways to reduce those days.