PP here with the different dad/inlaw situation who said only you can decide what kind of family you have.

Given your last post, I would stay the heck away from this kind of transaction with them. if you don't KNOW it's going to work out because the entity is reliable like my dad, then trust me -- it isn't going to work out. It's just a matter of time before they lose their marbles.

OP here.

Anonymous wrote:Only you can decide what kind of family you have.

See, that's the thing. We can't decide what kind of family we have... they seem to walk the line and we can't tell when they are going to go bat shit crazy.

Anonymous wrote:I think you should sit down with your parents without your spouse and ask them if their offer still stands.

Oh hell no. If they can't say it in front of both of us, etc (it's definitely not that they would have reservations about DH, etc. They know I handle the $$ and am the brains of the org, lol). Also, I tend to cave, give in, not stand up for myself, in short become backwards-me, when my parents lose their mind. DH needs to be present so that I stay focused.

Anonymous wrote:MIL loaned us part of our downpayment, and has been generous and hands-off.

My IL's would totally do this to, only they would do it as an outright gift... I know them. I know they have provided substantial support to B/SIL and are very big on "equality" amongst the sibs. However, they are also big sticklers for ettiquette, not meddling, etc and I think they are worried they will offend us by offering us money. DH and I have had a very big "we did this on our own dammit" kick-ass attitude. Not in a bad way, but in a point-of-pride way. And I really don't want to ASK them, because my dear sweet MIL has the loosest lips this side of the Mississippi, and the entire familiy would know in about 15 minutes.

Anonymous wrote:They are asking for a place to live with you to which they would contribute, not offering you money. Of course they will have a say in picking the house etc.

I think there's a 50-50 shot that this is their attitude, which is what bothers me. Also, that it will imply that my mother is welcome to come house hunting with me. Ummm, no. I cannot spend 24 consecutive hours in her presence under the best of circumstances, and house hunting is far from ideal.

They are asking for a place to live with you to which they would contribute, not offering you money. Of course they will have a say in picking the house etc.

MIL loaned us part of our downpayment, and has been generous and hands-off.

My parents, on the other hand, loaned us money too but it came with so many strings attached that next time they offer I will refuse! They see it as another way to control where I am and what I do.

Anonymous wrote:My parents took a very similar approach when we had our first kid and needed to move to a bigger place. On our own, we could afford something in the boondocks - with their help, we could afford something much closer in. My parents didn't want to have to drive to Woodbridge or wherever in bumblesfuck we would have ended up. Again, they took the view that for our own happiness - and our kids - and theirs - helping us afford a place closer in made sense. Its worth noting though, financially, this really was no skin off their back. I wouldn't have felt half as comfortable otherwise.

I'm really glad I accepted. I'm happier living closer to my office - my commute is half that of my friends, I thus spend a lot more time with my kids and less time in the car - my parents can more easily visit which is (mostly) a plus, in that if we need babysitting or something happens or whatever they can be here in 30 minutes or less, the home is wonderful and big enough for us to have had our 2nd and 3rd kiddos, the backyard has a swing set and trampoline which we could never have had in some dinky townhome backyard. Etc.

Do it.

How big a gift did that end up being? Did they just give you the money or was it more complicated than that?

I think you should sit down with your parents without your spouse and ask them if their offer still stands and, if so, what amount they had in mind. This would give them the opportunity to change their mind or make any conditions known that they might feel uncomfortable mentioning with your spouse present. It sounds like a win-win situation for both parties.

OP, it really depends on your situation.

We refinanced our home through my dad. He wanted to "help us now when we really need it." We pay the IRS minimum rate at the time, so our interest rate is superb. He gets a slightly better rate than he would if he was investing in a stable account, which he should at his age and situation. It works for us all though it is incredibly generous of him and we are grateful. No strings attached -- he's not the kind to push us. To the contrary, he has always pushed ME to follow my career/opportunities, even when it is against his personal interest (it means I have to live in a different city, etc.). If he ever needs financial help in the future, we will willingly step in and help him. He's great.

However, I would never, in a million years, have financed through my in-laws. They help DH's siblings a lot but it comes with many strings attached. They are overbearing and ridiculous about so many other dramatic family issues it just wouldn't make sense to get involved on a business level. Only you can decide what kind of family you have.

I'm with 16:52. They've been helping your sibling and have offered to help you. I'd take it, if I were you. I don't think it's a terribly hard conversation to have - "So husband and I were thinking about your offer - were you serious? If so, how much would be doable and comfortable for you?" Then go from there.

I have done both the loan and the gift with my parents. For house #1 they loaned me the down payment (about 100K) and I got a mortgage for what I was comfortable with (170K). I paid them back monthly with interest (market rate at the time) until about three years later. At that time, my equity went up so much that I could refinance and pay them back entirely.

For house #2, they approached me with a 300K gift which was totally their idea, because they wanted to help improve my commute. They couched it as "here's a gift if you want it, use it if you want for a home, no obligation to take it." They live locally so both times they saw the house before I made any final decisions, but I was getting their input, not their approval. We tend to think the same way about a lot of things, so it was more about getting their thoughts. Both times, they liked the home I chose. However, I think if they disagreed with me on a particular house, I am fairly confident they still would have supported my final decision on a home, and I know that I would be ultimately responsible for it.

I think this worked so well because we have a strong and respectful relationship on both sides. They don't meddle, and I am careful not to be too seeking of their approval.