Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks all - I'm kinda giving a hall pass in this situation because I have so much travel/need for flexibility to swich weekends/have him cover for me that I am going to try to make this work.... I'm also gonna leave open the possibility of my fling in mid-vacation to see the kids adn break up the 11 days so its not like I'm MIA...

THanks all! this is new to me and I'm trying to avoid the courts... while also learning to stand up for myself more in this relationship post-divorce...

If you can strike a balance between the bolded two you are golden. Ignore PPs suggesting you take him to court for every little thing. Just wait until the first time you want to do something out of the norm - he will make your life horrible.

Good luck. Coparenting with an asshole is a PITA. Just keep thinking with the long view - that is how you will "win" (and your kids will too).

OP,

Avoid the courts, but also hold your grand. He walked all over you on this, and you should have to cave because you need flexibility. Flexibility should be part of the package. I hope he does repeat this. And yes, avoid the courts. Expensive, draining and a total crapshoot.

Glad things got resolved for you, OP.

Honestly, I like to avoid the courts as much as possible. We went to court when my daughter was 1 to get things ironed out and get custody/visitation/support established- we were amicable and would have avoided it altogether except that my disorganized (but nice) ex missed the deadlines to file without court. (and his lawyer didn't even show up to court, so we both ended up using mine.) I made him pay for the legal fees for that one - his disorganization cost me about $3K on top of the $2K the out-of-court filing would have. We've avoided it since then - we tinker with our agreement as necessary, treat each other with courtesy, talk about stuff as it comes up and we both swallow our issues for the greater good sometimes.

Seriously, lawyers and court fees are EXPENSIVE. I know a woman who is $20K in debt (she is pretty low income so it's a big deal) because she and her ex got in an extended battle over their child, and ended up with 50/50 custody anyway.

good luck!!

OP here - thanks all - I'm kinda giving a hall pass in this situation because I have so much travel/need for flexibility to swich weekends/have him cover for me that I am going to try to make this work.... I'm also gonna leave open the possibility of my fling in mid-vacation to see the kids adn break up the 11 days so its not like I'm MIA...

THanks all! this is new to me and I'm trying to avoid the courts... while also learning to stand up for myself more in this relationship post-divorce...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"are you OP's husband by chance?"

No, I'm a divorced mom co-parenting with my ex. I did say she should send a clear email setting out boundaries. But if the trip is booked, and the kids will be reasonably happy, or at least safe, there's no need to go crazy. She's going to have to learn to manage her ex without running to court, or threatening to. That's going to take time, and trial and error. Might as well start now.

Or, she will learn to manage her ex by running to court repeatedly until it sinks into his knucklehead that he needs to respect her. What he did was highly egregious in my part, and shows a pathological disrespect for boundaries. Good obedience to custody orders makes for good co-parenting. There's plenty of time to have an easy-breezy co-parenting in years to come once he understands and respects his former spouse.

Repeated trips to court leads to further conflict drawn out over time and financial ruin. It isn't always in the best interest of the kids - acrimonious custody battles that go on for a decade can cause irreparable harm to kids. Running back to court every time you are unhappy becomes a game on both sides. Save court for when it is really needed - a safety issue, something causing harm to the kids, ongoing pattern of breaching the agreement etc... one can create boundaries and be assertive without running to court every other week.

Anonymous wrote:"are you OP's husband by chance?"

No, I'm a divorced mom co-parenting with my ex. I did say she should send a clear email setting out boundaries. But if the trip is booked, and the kids will be reasonably happy, or at least safe, there's no need to go crazy. She's going to have to learn to manage her ex without running to court, or threatening to. That's going to take time, and trial and error. Might as well start now.

Or, she will learn to manage her ex by running to court repeatedly until it sinks into his knucklehead that he needs to respect her. What he did was highly egregious in my part, and shows a pathological disrespect for boundaries. Good obedience to custody orders makes for good co-parenting. There's plenty of time to have an easy-breezy co-parenting in years to come once he understands and respects his former spouse.

"are you OP's husband by chance?"

No, I'm a divorced mom co-parenting with my ex. I did say she should send a clear email setting out boundaries. But if the trip is booked, and the kids will be reasonably happy, or at least safe, there's no need to go crazy. She's going to have to learn to manage her ex without running to court, or threatening to. That's going to take time, and trial and error. Might as well start now.

Anonymous wrote:"As difficult as it seems, with someone like this you may need to make an example early on by, for example, not letting the kids go and making him get a court order."

I totally disagree, especially as she may need his help due to her long work hours. I have a friend who is only communicating with her ex by text about their kid at this point because she took a hard line (and chewed him out) too many times. You really have to keep in mind that you'll be co-parenting for at least the next 15 years. Think about this: do you want to not be invited to your kids wedding because you couldn't get along with their father?But I would definitely send an email noting that this violates the agreement (and stating how) but that you won't force him to change the tickets this time, as long as he won't do it again and lets you make up the time over the 4th.

As for the other incident, if anything something like that happens again, OP, you need to make him fix the problem he caused (in that instance, find and pay for a sitter). Make it a very matter of fact, non-emotional conversation.

are you OP's husband by chance? in less than a month he has already violated the agreement twice, and once booking an 11 day trip taking away Easter and OP's week end with the kids with no permission, and she should let go? how do you think he is going to behave in the future if he think he can get away with this behavior? this does not look to me like a normal adjustment period with an overreactive ex wife chewing the ex husband off for no reason. it looks more like an abuse ex trying to walk over the former wife. it is only going to get worse if she does not set things straight. and I more inclined to bet that the ex husband will be the one not invited to the kids' weddings

Too long! Use the seperation agreement as legal fodder if you want. Too many stories of parents disappearing with kids.

Sorry, just my 2cents.

"As difficult as it seems, with someone like this you may need to make an example early on by, for example, not letting the kids go and making him get a court order."

I totally disagree, especially as she may need his help due to her long work hours. I have a friend who is only communicating with her ex by text about their kid at this point because she took a hard line (and chewed him out) too many times. You really have to keep in mind that you'll be co-parenting for at least the next 15 years. Think about this: do you want to not be invited to your kids wedding because you couldn't get along with their father?

But I would definitely send an email noting that this violates the agreement (and stating how) but that you won't force him to change the tickets this time, as long as he won't do it again and lets you make up the time over the 4th.

As for the other incident, if anything something like that happens again, OP, you need to make him fix the problem he caused (in that instance, find and pay for a sitter). Make it a very matter of fact, non-emotional conversation.

Let them go.
Pick a time you want a vacation now and email and say great have fun I'm going to take the kids to lalaland on such a date and ill make up the time I'm missing then. Thanks