Anonymous wrote:OP, I say this as nicely as possible. And this is coming from a person who used to have a difficult time finding and making meaningful friendships.

Is there any chance you may be unknowingly doing something to turn others off? In my case, I didn't have the best self esteem. This turned into me almost bragging about some of my stuff and trying so hard to be "part of the group" that I inadvertently turned people off. It took one of my only friends to point out this behavior to me. I've really changed in the last 6 months, and DH and I are starting to have a pretty active social calendar!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a phrase that has always made me feel sad and left out. I am in my mid-30's, work full-time, happily married, no kids, but I feel that everyone is too busy with their own lives to make room for me. At work I hear people discussing their fun weekend plans, whereas we rarely have "plans" on the weekends--we go out and do fun things of course, but its mainly by ourselves. I feel the lack of a social circle or strong family connections very deeply. DH and I have lived in the area for a few years, and we did not have any connections to the area when we moved here. I love my job but feel a void in the evenings and weekends. Our families live very far away and we only see them once a year, and we both have very small families that don't enjoy spending time with each other, and DH's family is extremely dysfunctional and unpleasant to be around.

I feel left out at work too. I've been at this job for almost 2 years, but people never stop by my office to say hi or chat for a bit, the way I always do with them to be friendly. I still feel like I'm not "part of the group" despite the fact that my boss always writes that i'm a team player on my reviews.

I have gotten involved in a few things here over the years--volunteering, taking classes, meetup groups, different social groups, and have enjoyed some of them, but have never found a sense of belonging or feeling part of the community here, or found something that I'd like to really get involved in more deeply (my husband plays golf with a group that he's been in for a few years, I'd like to find something like that for myself, to have fun and feel a part of something, though he hasn't actually made any friends with this golf group--it amazes me that he doesn't really know anything personal about them.) I feel like I hear other people say that they're busy with their own lives--friends and family, but don't really have that here for myself, and I really want that.

Yes, I understand what you're saying and get where you're coming from. I've been there and I still struggle sometimes. But you really have to remind yourself to not take it personally off the bat and stop expecting reciprocity. Persist and invite someone a few times even if they give you no indication that they would do the same for you. If they turn you down a few times in a row and it becomes clear that pursuing them is a waste of energy, write them off and move on to other people. But if you want some results you just have to develop a thicker skin and accept that in order to move a relationship forward with some people, you may have to deal with one-sided efforts on your part for a while.

I have been feeling especially down about this lately. I have been looking to find a therapist to discuss this with, but haven't really found a good fit yet (in NoVa).

I have made a few acquaintances here, but no good friends--no one to share personal stuff with. DH travels for work a few times a month, so it is hard on me to feel so isolated here.

What I wish I had is a tight social circle--friends who get together a few times a month, celebrate holidays together, and vacation together, or a close extended family who keeps in touch regularly, enjoys being together, and gets together for weddings, vacations, etc. It seems most of my work colleagues have this kind of connection, though most of them grew up here, and we're not from this area.

I can see with you if someone showed you some interest or kindness, it would make you feel so good. You are hungry for that, everyone is.

OP here. This is so, so true. I was just remarking to my DH the other day that I spend my entire workday helping others in need, supporting them when they need help (I am a pro bono lawyer) but no one sends a kind word my way. I can't remember the last time a gal showed real interest in me. I feel like I show interest in them, but it's not reciprocated, because they already have tons of friends and family and aren't interested in getting to know someone new. The same with invitations. I invite lots of people to do things, what usually happens is that they will accept, we'll have brunch or something, and then I never hear from them again. So I end up taking it personally and feeling like they didn't like me. Sometimes I invite them out a second time, but I really can't remember the last time someone took the initiative and invited me to do something.

I have been taking the lead to plan some events with my college alumni group, and it's made for a pleasant time out, but haven't really been able to make any friends from it so far.

Anonymous wrote:Suggestions OP:

1. Put candy (individually wrapped please) in a dish at your desk. Pick something you don't like so you won't eat it.

2. Walk around work saying "Everyone is so friendly!" or something like that. I did that when I started somewhere and it made people think I was friendly! I'm the bitchiest person ever - hard to believe it worked, but it did!

3. Think like a stalker! I turned to a woman I'd volunteered with every week for 3 years and said to her in December, "Why do we not hang out? We never have enough time to chat. Want to go see a movie this month?"

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a phrase that has always made me feel sad and left out. I am in my mid-30's, work full-time, happily married, no kids, but I feel that everyone is too busy with their own lives to make room for me. At work I hear people discussing their fun weekend plans, whereas we rarely have "plans" on the weekends--we go out and do fun things of course, but its mainly by ourselves. I feel the lack of a social circle or strong family connections very deeply. DH and I have lived in the area for a few years, and we did not have any connections to the area when we moved here. I love my job but feel a void in the evenings and weekends. Our families live very far away and we only see them once a year, and we both have very small families that don't enjoy spending time with each other, and DH's family is extremely dysfunctional and unpleasant to be around.

I feel left out at work too. I've been at this job for almost 2 years, but people never stop by my office to say hi or chat for a bit, the way I always do with them to be friendly. I still feel like I'm not "part of the group" despite the fact that my boss always writes that i'm a team player on my reviews.

I have gotten involved in a few things here over the years--volunteering, taking classes, meetup groups, different social groups, and have enjoyed some of them, but have never found a sense of belonging or feeling part of the community here, or found something that I'd like to really get involved in more deeply (my husband plays golf with a group that he's been in for a few years, I'd like to find something like that for myself, to have fun and feel a part of something, though he hasn't actually made any friends with this golf group--it amazes me that he doesn't really know anything personal about them.) I feel like I hear other people say that they're busy with their own lives--friends and family, but don't really have that here for myself, and I really want that.

I have been feeling especially down about this lately. I have been looking to find a therapist to discuss this with, but haven't really found a good fit yet (in NoVa).

I have made a few acquaintances here, but no good friends--no one to share personal stuff with. DH travels for work a few times a month, so it is hard on me to feel so isolated here.

What I wish I had is a tight social circle--friends who get together a few times a month, celebrate holidays together, and vacation together, or a close extended family who keeps in touch regularly, enjoys being together, and gets together for weddings, vacations, etc. It seems most of my work colleagues have this kind of connection, though most of them grew up here, and we're not from this area.

I can see with you if someone showed you some interest or kindness, it would make you feel so good. You are hungry for that, everyone is.

Anonymous wrote:Suggestions OP:

1. Put candy (individually wrapped please) in a dish at your desk. Pick something you don't like so you won't eat it.

2. Walk around work saying "Everyone is so friendly!" or something like that. I did that when I started somewhere and it made people think I was friendly! I'm the bitchiest person ever - hard to believe it worked, but it did!

3. Think like a stalker! I turned to a woman I'd volunteered with every week for 3 years and said to her in December, "Why do we not hang out? We never have enough time to chat. Want to go see a movie this month?"

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:2. Walk around work saying "Everyone is so friendly!" or something like that. I did that when I started somewhere and it made people think I was friendly! I'm the bitchiest person ever - hard to believe it worked, but it did!

Haha, I love this.