I am hesitant to say too much but... this is us

We got a few hundred K a few years ago, and about half a million more recently. The gifts and paperwork were in DH name alone. Only recently have we begun to discuss additional wealth transfers that would entail putting money in both names, primarily for tax purposes. I think it was being done in one name for 1. Frankly, its a bit easier to do, 2. We were newly wed at the time, and I imagine his parents didnt want to just hand me the money until we'd been married for a while.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Will I comingle it with our other money and give DH equal say in how it is used? Absolutely not.

This does not sound like a healthy marriage. Unless, DH has kept you barefoot and pregnant with no equal say in household finances before your little inheritance. If my wife has a windfall I'd love for her to enjoy herself with it, but your attitude stinks.

Agreed, I would consider an inheritance of that size to be either for me and DH to use in retirement, or as funds for our children. And I would definitely talk with him about how best to invest it, etc.

We will likely use it for retirement and/or college. I have no plans to buy diamonds or take solo trips to Maui and stay in the Ritz. Bottom-line, though, it was willed to me (not us) and it is mine, not ours.

Anonymous wrote:

Will I comingle it with our other money and give DH equal say in how it is used? Absolutely not.

This does not sound like a healthy marriage. Unless, DH has kept you barefoot and pregnant with no equal say in household finances before your little inheritance. If my wife has a windfall I'd love for her to enjoy herself with it, but your attitude stinks.

Meh, no worries, we are fine. We've been married for 20 years and I don't foresee us ever divorcing. I have no intention of "enjoying myself" with this windfall, but I do intend to be as cautious with it as my mom was in saving it.

DH understands and agrees.

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP of the other trust fund thread. OP, the trust is in my name, and I know my parents did that so if DH ever left, he couldn't touch the $$. However, I currently view it as money that we will both have a say in what to do-but I DO have final veto power (so if we decide together to put some money down on a house, and DH wants to put $300k and I only want to put $200k, I'm going to "win" that one). That being said, I am and have always been aware of how DH feels when it comes to my family money-he doesn't really feel like it is his, and will gladly defer to me when making decisions (although I usually defer to him, since he has a better head for this kind of stuff-sexist but true in our case-he works with $$). He doesn't like to be in on conversations with my parents about money unless I specifically ask him. That being said, my trust was never presented as a "wedding gift", so I would have hurt feelings if I were you too.

But my advice is just to make your peace with this. It sounds like your DH is a good guy and his parents are great too, so it's likely you will, over time, find a financial power balance that works for you both. While it may sting now that his mom is giving the money "just" to him, if he truly values you as a partner, he'll be wiling to listen to your reasonings behind what you want to spend the money on, and hopefully find a compromise that makes you both happy. It's his money, but you are now (and forever, hopefully!) the person in his life he'll want to spend it with!

this is a better way of saying what I meant! - 13:15

This is the OP of the other trust fund thread. OP, the trust is in my name, and I know my parents did that so if DH ever left, he couldn't touch the $$. However, I currently view it as money that we will both have a say in what to do-but I DO have final veto power (so if we decide together to put some money down on a house, and DH wants to put $300k and I only want to put $200k, I'm going to "win" that one). That being said, I am and have always been aware of how DH feels when it comes to my family money-he doesn't really feel like it is his, and will gladly defer to me when making decisions (although I usually defer to him, since he has a better head for this kind of stuff-sexist but true in our case-he works with $$). He doesn't like to be in on conversations with my parents about money unless I specifically ask him. That being said, my trust was never presented as a "wedding gift", so I would have hurt feelings if I were you too.

But my advice is just to make your peace with this. It sounds like your DH is a good guy and his parents are great too, so it's likely you will, over time, find a financial power balance that works for you both. While it may sting now that his mom is giving the money "just" to him, if he truly values you as a partner, he'll be wiling to listen to your reasonings behind what you want to spend the money on, and hopefully find a compromise that makes you both happy. It's his money, but you are now (and forever, hopefully!) the person in his life he'll want to spend it with!

I haven't read the whole thread, but I inherited a sizable amount (parents died unexpectedly) and my DH stands to inherit very little. The money is in my name only (per my parents' wills). We used it to buy a house (which is in both of our names) and to pay off his school debt (I had none since my family had the means to pay for my schooling). When the trust expired and I had the choice to transfer it into my name or joint names, I transferred it into mine (after consulting with DH and my financial advisor). If I were to die, it would go to him - well some to our young child with him as custodian and some to him directly).

I do believe that it is my money and not his. We don't touch it beyond paying off the debts (including buying the house - so I basically 'gave' him $500k or half the value of the house we bought in cash). We both work and live completely on our incomes. Neither of us worry about retirement, although he funds his and I work at a place that doesn't have it (but it's not a priority for me so I don't care). It's not like we won't be sharing the money down the line. But for now, although we have a wonderful marriage, I keep it in my name. The money was passed down through my family and meant for me - if we were to divorce, he isn't entitled to half of it. That's not what my ancestors who earned it would have wanted. My brother does the same thing with his (also married). I'm sure some people will say I'm awful but DH totally agrees with this and after all we've suffered with the early deaths, we are happy and grateful for what we have (financially and otherwise).

Anonymous wrote:

Will I comingle it with our other money and give DH equal say in how it is used? Absolutely not.

This does not sound like a healthy marriage. Unless, DH has kept you barefoot and pregnant with no equal say in household finances before your little inheritance. If my wife has a windfall I'd love for her to enjoy herself with it, but your attitude stinks.

Agreed, I would consider an inheritance of that size to be either for me and DH to use in retirement, or as funds for our children. And I would definitely talk with him about how best to invest it, etc.

Will I comingle it with our other money and give DH equal say in how it is used? Absolutely not.

This does not sound like a healthy marriage. Unless, DH has kept you barefoot and pregnant with no equal say in household finances before your little inheritance. If my wife has a windfall I'd love for her to enjoy herself with it, but your attitude stinks.

Anonymous wrote:OP, the other thing to consider is that your DH's parents are divorced themselves, and remarried. So they have clearly been down the path of dividing marital assets. It totally makes sense for $2m to go only to DH and be in his name; how you guys deal with that should be discussed as PPs have said. If you are both fairly frugal, live-within-your-means types, then that money should just be there for emergency/college fund/etc. If it starts to influence your day to day (as one PP noted) then you should talk about it.

As for the $15k for the DP, then that's for the DP. Don't think about it.

+1

Anonymous wrote:It is in his name to protect the "inheritance"/gift should you divorce. So long as such $$ are kept as separate property, you have no claim to them even though they came to your husband during the marriage.

I agree, and I agree with your DH's decision to keep it separate and to determine how it is used.

I inherited money from my mother last year in the low six figures, and I view it as mine. My mother worked her tail off to secure a comfortable retirement and leave something to her children, and that money was earmarked for me, not for DH and me.

Will I use it for our family's needs? Yes.

Will I comingle it with our other money and give DH equal say in how it is used? Absolutely not.

Anonymous wrote:In this case it is absolutely appropriate for the money to be in your DH's name. I know you intend for the marriage to be forever and I'm sure your DH's family hopes that it will be, but realistically speaking you never know, and I don't blame them for not wanting your DH to lose half of the trust fund in the event that things don't work out. And yes it is DH's decision on how to spend the money, although I would hope and expect he would make those decisions in close consultation with you and with your input. But at the end of the day, it's up to him. If you are worried about the power imbalance affecting your marriage, the best thing you can do is just forget about the trust fund. From what you wrote in the other thread it sounds like you guys can live just fine on your own. It's wonderful to know the trust is there in case of emergency but if you guys are going to argue about how to use it then it's not worth it.

Keep in mind, also, that you are newlyweds. You don't even have any children yet. And this trust thing is new to your DH too. This is a lot of change. It's going to take time for you and DH to work out how to handle these issues, and that's ok. You don't need anything right now so don't rush it. You are lucky to have a wonderful new DH and to know that you never have to truly worry about money. IMHO million dollar house is very low on the priority list. I would focus on building your marriage and family -- the rest will come.

I totally agree that it is appropriate (from the parents' perspective) to put the trust/inheritance in the husbands' name. (Although somewhat shitty of them to do it now, post-marriage, instead of pre-marriage, when the OP could have negotiated a prenup to protect herself.)

But I vehemently disagree with the idea that she never has to worry about money now. As it is now she's depending on the generosity of her DH to share that money with her, and should this generosity not pan out in the end, she will be hurt. Much better to take a realistic, business-like perspective and discuss with her DH how her long-term interests are going to be protected. It may seem cold or money grubbing, but OP is not the one who started it -- she's just responding to the creation of the financial imbalance. So yes, she should forget about the trust fund BUT this means she has to plan her financial life accordingly -- fully funding the IRA, pursuing her career instead of staying at home, etc. If she is not going to do these things then she needs a postnup to make sure she is protected in case of DH's death or divorce.

Yes, this is probably done so that you won't be able to get it in a divorce.

Access in a divorce to the trust itself will in large measure be determined by the terms of the trust. But in a divorce proceeding, its existence absolutely will considered as part of the equation. I would not fret over this. You married your DH, not his parents. They're going to do what their going to do and that's none of your bee's wax. Don't hold DH responsible for their actions, Mrs. Millionare. Congratulations, by the way.

OP, the other thing to consider is that your DH's parents are divorced themselves, and remarried. So they have clearly been down the path of dividing marital assets. It totally makes sense for $2m to go only to DH and be in his name; how you guys deal with that should be discussed as PPs have said. If you are both fairly frugal, live-within-your-means types, then that money should just be there for emergency/college fund/etc. If it starts to influence your day to day (as one PP noted) then you should talk about it.

As for the $15k for the DP, then that's for the DP. Don't think about it.

I'm not sure why you are feeling like this. The down payment for the house is the down payment and no one gets a 2 mil wedding gift. Any inheritance from his parents given to your DH would not be considered marital assets either.

My in-laws give 28K or whatever is the limit under the gift tax to DH and each of our children every yr since we'd been married. I love my in-laws and it's their family money to do as they wish. I also know I will not be inheriting anything from them nor do I expect it and my DH does not expect anything from my family either. It's family money. Get over it.

My DH and I are a bit in the opposite boat, where the money is (primarily) in my name. And you are right - there is a definitely power/control aspect to money, particularly since you all are still newlyweds.

Early in our marriage we agreed to put both our names on all the money, as like a PP we too have a 'what's mine is yours' relationship. However as time passed I ultimately wasn't comfortable with that - not because I think of the money as 'mine' per se, but that having it be in my name makes it feel like my contribution to the marriage, and psychologically made me comfortable with having a backseat career / taking on the primary childcare role (I work PT but am clearly the front line when it comes to kid stuff.)

Anyway, not sure if that's directly useful for your situation, but though it might be helpful to you to hear of others dealing with the emotional side of monetary imbalances.

That said I think your best bet is to not worry about / have your feelings hurt by how your ILs set up the gift, and rather to sit down and have forthright, honest conversations with your husband about what this means, how it makes you feel, family rules for accessing the money, etc. And don't expect this to be a one and done conversation, but rather something you will need to revisit as situations / emotions change.

Good luck.