I'm a wife, currently supporting the family while my DH is on the LONG road back in after a break from the workforce for grad school. It's hard to be the sole breadwinner. And it's even harder to see my DH unhappy without being fully employed (some contract work fills some days and the job hunt is pretty full-time.)

Earlier posters who ask why she wants to leave are asking the right question in my view. I hated my last job with its miserable commute and the misery impacted our family so a job change was good for the whole family. I view my DH as a hero for working so hard to not let his misery not impact us in the same way. If your DW is miserable, explore whether being at home would be the right change or whether looking for something else first might be the right next step. You're young enough to likely recove financially from whichever path you take. (Though we hated the hit with one income, it's actually working out just fine.) so try to figure out what increases family happiness and contentment (hers, yours, the kids). Also take into account your own job security when thinking about this. Mine is pretty secure but if I were sweating bullets about that, being e sole breadwinner would be even harder.

You sound like a thoughtful guy. I hope you and your DW can talk honestly about the right next step.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man up and take care of your family or turn in your man card.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. What kind of man are you? If you can't take care of your family on 6 figures then you aren't much of a man. Heck you don't even need that much. My husband would never make me work at a job I hated. I don't care if he made 30,000 a year- he would make it work so I could be happy.

I work because I want to. If I don't want to then I will stop. My husband does not need me to take care of our family financially but he appreciates whatever I want to do. And we are not rich or wealthy.

Sounds like you should have married one of the manly women on here who are sure to come to your defense and call your wife lazy. Or maybe you should have married your paycheck.

It doesn't matter...you are still acting like a punk.

This.

You sound like my ex-husband. And your attitude is why he is my ex-husband. I cannot fathom being married to someone who gave so little regard to his wife's desire to be home with her children for the very short amount of time that they are children (its not for everyone, but for those who want to do it) but to be FORCED to miss her babies' firsts over the matter of 1,000/month when her husband makes 150,000. I CANNOT imagine. I would, literally, never forgive you.

If she really makes 1,000 dollars a month - she can get a job making that ANY TIME. Does she have a college degree? She could make 100/day subbing in most school districts.

And I am quite sure that your wife is not telling you that she is fantasizing about lunching with the ladies (not that you'd fund such frivolity) but about being with her kids - your kids.

So glad I divorced my ex before we had any kids and married a real man. I'm home with my baby because I will never get this time back. My husband is happily paying the bills. Yes, a screaming baby can get frustrating but it is worth EVERY MINUTE.

Op here. Jesus tap dancing Christ, you are harsh.

Look my wife is not a prisoner in my home, I'm not selling her into slave labour. We are a partnership trying to make a life for ourselves and our kids - that means making tradeoffs sometimes, and sometimes those tradeoffs suck. My job has a lot of stress and a fair amount of travel, but I do it because it means my kids 529 plans are funded. It's a hard choice, I'd like to sit at home with him too, but I made the choice that giving them access to a quality education was perhaps more important than my being a 9 to 4 employee. Don't think that doesn't eat me up at times, it does. And this is a judgement call my wife and I made together. All of these decisions come at some cost, you seem ti think its costless. It isnt. And yes, part of that equation is financial - your conclusion that she can just get a job making $1,000 a month in the future demonstrates either a lack of critical thinking skills or poor reading comprehension, not knowing which I won't bother to point out the fallacy of such a POV. But it also non financial: my wife quitting means she gives up (at least to some degree) her professional aspirations, her network of "work friends", etc. that might be worth loosing but it's not black and white.
Sometimes we see eye to eye - sometimes we don't. What makes this a functional relationship is that I'm actively seeking feedback on my perspective so that I can better understand whether my concerns are reasonable or not. Moreover, although I've called them my concerns, they are shared concerns with my wife. I am perhaps more nervous about these than she (and she more nervous than I about others such as loosing a great nanny, perhaps regretting her decision).

I'm not a perfect husband... not by a long shot, but I'm trying to do what's right for my family. Sounds like your ex husband didn't, which is unfortunate, just try to remember we aren't all gaping assholes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. What kind of man are you? If you can't take care of your family on 6 figures then you aren't much of a man. Heck you don't even need that much. My husband would never make me work at a job I hated. I don't care if he made 30,000 a year- he would make it work so I could be happy.

I work because I want to. If I don't want to then I will stop. My husband does not need me to take care of our family financially but he appreciates whatever I want to do. And we are not rich or wealthy.

Sounds like you should have married one of the manly women on here who are sure to come to your defense and call your wife lazy. Or maybe you should have married your paycheck.

It doesn't matter...you are still acting like a punk.

This.

You sound like my ex-husband. And your attitude is why he is my ex-husband. I cannot fathom being married to someone who gave so little regard to his wife's desire to be home with her children for the very short amount of time that they are children (its not for everyone, but for those who want to do it) but to be FORCED to miss her babies' firsts over the matter of 1,000/month when her husband makes 150,000. I CANNOT imagine. I would, literally, never forgive you.

If she really makes 1,000 dollars a month - she can get a job making that ANY TIME. Does she have a college degree? She could make 100/day subbing in most school districts.

And I am quite sure that your wife is not telling you that she is fantasizing about lunching with the ladies (not that you'd fund such frivolity) but about being with her kids - your kids.

So glad I divorced my ex before we had any kids and married a real man. I'm home with my baby because I will never get this time back. My husband is happily paying the bills. Yes, a screaming baby can get frustrating but it is worth EVERY MINUTE.

LOL are you for real? What if HE wants to spend more time with the kids? A real man is defined by his income? You're disgusting in so many ways and I hope those valuable moments aren't with daughters. You'd "never forgive" a husband who expected you to be an equal partner in marriage?

Anonymous wrote:NP here. What kind of man are you? If you can't take care of your family on 6 figures then you aren't much of a man. Heck you don't even need that much. My husband would never make me work at a job I hated. I don't care if he made 30,000 a year- he would make it work so I could be happy.

I work because I want to. If I don't want to then I will stop. My husband does not need me to take care of our family financially but he appreciates whatever I want to do. And we are not rich or wealthy.

Sounds like you should have married one of the manly women on here who are sure to come to your defense and call your wife lazy. Or maybe you should have married your paycheck.

It doesn't matter...you are still acting like a punk.

This.

You sound like my ex-husband. And your attitude is why he is my ex-husband. I cannot fathom being married to someone who gave so little regard to his wife's desire to be home with her children for the very short amount of time that they are children (its not for everyone, but for those who want to do it) but to be FORCED to miss her babies' firsts over the matter of 1,000/month when her husband makes 150,000. I CANNOT imagine. I would, literally, never forgive you.

If she really makes 1,000 dollars a month - she can get a job making that ANY TIME. Does she have a college degree? She could make 100/day subbing in most school districts.

And I am quite sure that your wife is not telling you that she is fantasizing about lunching with the ladies (not that you'd fund such frivolity) but about being with her kids - your kids.

So glad I divorced my ex before we had any kids and married a real man. I'm home with my baby because I will never get this time back. My husband is happily paying the bills. Yes, a screaming baby can get frustrating but it is worth EVERY MINUTE.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man up and take care of your family or turn in your man card.

Thanks, thats really helpful. What does that even mean?

Then skip to the second part and turn it in. Let her quit the job and stop worrying.

You need to maintain the man card.

Why is her choice only between this job and SAH? It does sound like her current position has some real drawbacks that are not working or your family. If you are worried about money over the long term (and if you are in your twenties then you should be worried about the next 30 years of work), then have her look for a new job closer to home. Even if she has to take a pay cut in the short term so that she is not contributing as much to your savings, it will be better in the long run if she can find a position that cuts her commute. A part-time position that allows her to move to full time or take a different full time position in a few years might work for you for now.

#2 if she plans on going back to work or just keeping that option open, she needs to keep her skills current and get a better job. she should have a plan to go back to school or change careers. so first year or two, figure out what she wants to do. 3 and 4th years, kids are in school and she will have time to take classes or what ever. maybe she will like the new career.

Anonymous wrote:Man up and take care of your family or turn in your man card.

Anonymous wrote:Why can't she take a larger role in your side business and grow it?

How hard has she been looking for another job? Has she thought about different fields that might be a good fit?

Mostly because takign a bigger role would probably mean we need to keep a nanny. And loosing her income AND paying a nanny is a nonstarter financially. She hasn't been looking THAT hard for a new job (which is what I've been pushing her to do because I agree, a better environment would go a LONG way). She would like to move fields, I think the problem is that she's been doing what she's been doing for a while, and as with anyone trying to reinvent themselves, thats a bit of an uphill climb.

Anonymous wrote:If the reason she wants to stay at home is because she doesn't like her job, then she should look for a new job before making any final decisions. If she wants to stay home because she misses the kids and wants to raise them, then that's a different story. Is she interested in your side business? You know that you'd need childcare if she took that up, right?

Its both I think. She doesnt like her job, and she would like more time with the kids. She has no interest in my side business, it would just be something she'd tolerate for the purposes of not having the resume gap, and as you note, I doubt she'd really do anything with it since we'd need to get a full time nanny for that.

How much does her income compare to what you pay the nanny?

After taxes, etc she brings home about $1,000 a month more than the nanny costs us.

Sure, if she wants to work the bake sale.

Seriously OP - once you quit, especially if you quit while young and relatively inexperienced, it is a LONG road back in.

pp here - we don't know what "back in" means. Doesn't sound like Big Law or neurosurgery to me. I quit and went skiing for five years once. The road back in was not very hard. Ask anyone who quit and went sailing until the money ran out. This terror of the unkown sacrifices so many lives to the 9-5 curse. Ya only go 'round once.

Anonymous wrote:^^^^
No need for the nastiness, for sure.

That "SAHM's can't get jobs is very overblown and just not true. If she remains involved with your community while raising children she'll have a killer network to support her when the time comes. I'm not hearing that she's a Big Law partner, for Goodness sake.

To be able to comfortably support a family on one income is a blessing and a luxury. I wouldn't squander it worrying over marginal income.

Sure, if she wants to work the bake sale.

Seriously OP - once you quit, especially if you quit while young and relatively inexperienced, it is a LONG road back in.

Anonymous wrote:Support her. Encourage her. We have the same HHI and are doing just fine. My husband encouraged me to quit and I was the one worried. He puts money into my IRA every year, maxed out his and took extra life insurance knowing my earning potential just took a nose dive. Yes, there is a lot of poop, pee, diaper changes, etc. involved, but there is the fun of kids activities, lunches (family and friends), meeting my husband for lunch, etc. Either way you have the daily grind. What is nice is now that I am home, I have taken 100% of the major stuff over so when my husband comes home he gets to relax and enjoy the kids. I pay the bills, do the appointments, clean the house, usually cook (sometimes not if we are too busy - those lunches wear you out ), etc. It is nice to have that balance and not feel rushed to have that quality time with the kids rather than worrying about cooking, cleaning and homework after we both are tired and finally home from work. I have no regrets and wish I listened to my husband in the first place (he would have supported me working too, but only in a job I enjoyed and was happy in).

Would your wife be happy if the bolded part were her life?

It's not either/or. Sounds like she needs a new job - a low salary, low potential for promotion AND a long commute are a recipe for unhappiness for anyone - but quitting work is NOT for everyone.

^^^^
No need for the nastiness, for sure.

That "SAHM's can't get jobs is very overblown and just not true. If she remains involved with your community while raising children she'll have a killer network to support her when the time comes. I'm not hearing that she's a Big Law partner, for Goodness sake.

To be able to comfortably support a family on one income is a blessing and a luxury. I wouldn't squander it worrying over marginal income.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. What kind of man are you? If you can't take care of your family on 6 figures then you aren't much of a man. Heck you don't even need that much. My husband would never make me work at a job I hated. I don't care if he made 30,000 a year- he would make it work so I could be happy.

I work because I want to. If I don't want to then I will stop. My husband does not need me to take care of our family financially but he appreciates whatever I want to do. And we are not rich or wealthy.

Sounds like you should have married one of the manly women on here who are sure to come to your defense and call your wife lazy. Or maybe you should have married your paycheck.

It doesn't matter...you are still acting like a punk.

OP must be very glad he is not married to you. You are very nasty.

Agreed. Who are these uptight conservative women on here these days? You "ladies" do realize that the defensive and nasty tone of your posts is not convincing to the generally liberal and well-educated citizens of DC, right? Most of us here tend to practice this wonderful thing called "shared responsibility" and "equality." Try it sometime. My guess? You and your DH hate your life and each other. There's no other explanation for your attitude.