Anonymous
02/03/2013 20:19
Subject: How to reach out to my son
I partially agree with pp, don't pressure him about college, remain approachable and cordial, if possible
but don't give him money
explain that he's past 18, living an adult lifestyle, and the college funding you were providing was a major sacrifice, which will only be made to facilitate serious efforts at college.
but don't give him money
explain that he's past 18, living an adult lifestyle, and the college funding you were providing was a major sacrifice, which will only be made to facilitate serious efforts at college.
Anonymous
02/03/2013 16:24
Subject: How to reach out to my son
Let go of college.
Your son's problems appear to be of long standing, but coming to a head this year. If alcoholism and poor self-control are issues, then college is truly the least of your worries.
Perhaps you can persuade him to go to a reputable psychologist. My 20 year old nephew had similar problems and finally accepted psychiatric and psychological help (little more serious - attempted suicide, dropped out of college, screamed at his parents and threw out his mother's stuff, etc). He has medical appointments with and without his father, whom he has a stable relationship with.
Your son could have ADHD, or another disorder, that creates anxiety with his academic performance and thus attempts at self-medication with alcohol and smoking.
My son has ADHD and is anxious and impulsive. Also very charming! People with ADHD abuse drugs more often than people without ADHD.
It could be something else entirely.
But whatever the causes of his behavior, know that it is exacerbated by parental pressure.
So here are the new rules, and make sure that your DH toes the line:
1, Don't pressure him with college.
2, Give him a SMALL monthly stipend - this is great, because it teaches independance in baby steps, and he won't feel so resentful that you are cutting off money just because he refuses to further his academic education. It will teach him to budget, and not expect anything extra out of you.
DO NOT GIVE HIM MORE MONEY THAN THE STIPEND!
3, Free advice and sympathy if he asks for it.
4, Your love, always.
Your son's problems appear to be of long standing, but coming to a head this year. If alcoholism and poor self-control are issues, then college is truly the least of your worries.
Perhaps you can persuade him to go to a reputable psychologist. My 20 year old nephew had similar problems and finally accepted psychiatric and psychological help (little more serious - attempted suicide, dropped out of college, screamed at his parents and threw out his mother's stuff, etc). He has medical appointments with and without his father, whom he has a stable relationship with.
Your son could have ADHD, or another disorder, that creates anxiety with his academic performance and thus attempts at self-medication with alcohol and smoking.
My son has ADHD and is anxious and impulsive. Also very charming! People with ADHD abuse drugs more often than people without ADHD.
It could be something else entirely.
But whatever the causes of his behavior, know that it is exacerbated by parental pressure.
So here are the new rules, and make sure that your DH toes the line:
1, Don't pressure him with college.
2, Give him a SMALL monthly stipend - this is great, because it teaches independance in baby steps, and he won't feel so resentful that you are cutting off money just because he refuses to further his academic education. It will teach him to budget, and not expect anything extra out of you.
DO NOT GIVE HIM MORE MONEY THAN THE STIPEND!
3, Free advice and sympathy if he asks for it.
4, Your love, always.
Anonymous
02/03/2013 13:36
Subject: How to reach out to my son
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Is this a change? Was he a responsible kid before? Has he generally dropped out of things? Was he always 'the bad/difficult' kid in comparison to the 'good' sibling?
Any chance their is a mental health issue - maybe depression going on? It could just be unhappiness but I would consider depression too.
OP here: he has a lot anxiety, I think drinking helps him with it, hence
He's not willing to give it up.
Still excusing him, aren't you?
Anonymous
01/31/2013 22:02
Subject: How to reach out to my son
I think you need to let him go from your life for now. In about 10 years, he'll wise up. At least, most kids like this do. Cut him off now so you'll have something left to give him when he returns a truly repent prodigal son in about a decade.
petterpam
01/30/2013 18:33
Subject: Re:How to reach out to my son
He must be having a hard time reaching your expectations and maybe he keeps on comparing himself to his sister that is why when he failed once he always think he's a great loser already. just show him your love without any expectations and comparison, a kind of love that a parent gives to their child. Avoid nagging and teaching them, he's old enough to know what he is doing. He just needs someone to understand.
Anonymous
01/28/2013 17:59
Subject: How to reach out to my son
I'd reach out for your daughter. I paid for my college education, clothes, transportation, room and board. I resent the crap learning my Dad is paying for the latest wife's' kids' college educations. (Ironically, the first wives' kids ended up being the most successful in our family.) Good riddance. Why don't you want to love and support the good kid who just wanted love and support? Karma is a bitch.
Anonymous
01/27/2013 18:11
Subject: How to reach out to my son
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Just want to point out too that it's very unfair your daughter paid for her own college and your son isn't. I hope you made good on that some how. Good luck with your situation.[/quote
OP here: we love our daughter dearly but did not have finances to put her through college back then. She knows it and does not hold it against us (hopefully).
Do you help with her student loans?
Anonymous
01/27/2013 17:01
Subject: How to reach out to my son
OP, you said you were worried about him becoming a drunk and that you have a family history of it. A family history is a genuine reason for concern. I don't know if your son is an alcoholic or not and you don't have to decide that right now but you might find it useful to check out Al-Anon because it sounds like your relationship with your son is similar to a relationship with an alcoholic. I completely understand why you and your husband are afraid to set limits with your son. You're afraid you will lose him! But it sounds like what you've been doing hasn't worked for you so far and it makes sense to talk to people, whether in a 12-step group or with an experienced therapist who have experience with this kind of family dynamic.
Ultimately, whether addiction or college is the issue, your son has to be the one to decide what to to. That's hard to accept as a parent. I have a kid who is in recovery now and I'm very aware of how little control I have over her. All you can do is stop enabling him and hope he will make the right decisions. The best thing you can do is get someone to help walk you through it. Good luck, OP!
Ultimately, whether addiction or college is the issue, your son has to be the one to decide what to to. That's hard to accept as a parent. I have a kid who is in recovery now and I'm very aware of how little control I have over her. All you can do is stop enabling him and hope he will make the right decisions. The best thing you can do is get someone to help walk you through it. Good luck, OP!
Anonymous
01/27/2013 16:40
Subject: How to reach out to my son
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't have any actual advice, but I do have some words of encouragement.
My nephew sounds a lot like your son. The middle of three boys, he was the only one who didn't attend college, moved to the city and started living with his older (by 2 years) girlfriend. He drinks quite a bit and does smoke. My sister was very upset that he was throwing his life away and wished he'd taken a more traditional path. After 5 years of being together, he and the GF recently married and both have stable jobs in retail/service profession. They seem pretty happy and support themselves fully. My sister still wishes my nephew would go back to college, but has come to accept that's not what he wants right now. She and my BIL have a pretty good relationship with their son and his wife, and my sister will say that her son is a good person, a hard worker, and just needs to do things his way. It's not what she'd hoped for, but she's really glad she didn't cut off communication or damage her relationship with him. In the end, our kids have to lead their own lives.
I wanted to add something. OP, I'd pick my battles with this son. Decide to stay in his life but don't be an enabler. If he wants to quit college he needs to accept the consequences. He finds a way to support himself. Also, if you stay connected you stand a better chance of helping him address unhelathy habits or decisions, like drinking too much. The drinking sounds like something to keep an eye on. Keep the lines of communication open and you may have an opportunity to intervene here if the time comes to do so. Best of luck to you.
Thank you! This is very helpful and encouraging.
Anonymous
01/27/2013 16:39
Subject: How to reach out to my son
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Is this a change? Was he a responsible kid before? Has he generally dropped out of things? Was he always 'the bad/difficult' kid in comparison to the 'good' sibling?
Any chance their is a mental health issue - maybe depression going on? It could just be unhappiness but I would consider depression too.
OP here: he has a lot anxiety, I think drinking helps him with it, hence
He's not willing to give it up.
Then offer him some psych help- but that's all you can do.
Anonymous
01/27/2013 16:38
Subject: Re:How to reach out to my son
Anonymous wrote:At the same time, our son turned out sweeter, kinder person than daughter. [google]
... more of a suck up you mean. I guess the DD is pretty pissed off about the unequal treatment and is therefore not so "nice" to you.
OP here: She is pissed, you are right. Not because of the money, she knows we could not afford much 12 years before. We love her no less than him, but she always obeyed the rules and he never did.
Anonymous
01/27/2013 16:34
Subject: How to reach out to my son
Anonymous wrote:Just want to point out too that it's very unfair your daughter paid for her own college and your son isn't. I hope you made good on that some how. Good luck with your situation.[/quote
OP here: we love our daughter dearly but did not have finances to put her through college back then. She knows it and does not hold it against us (hopefully).
Anonymous
01/27/2013 16:31
Subject: How to reach out to my son
Anonymous wrote:Is this a change? Was he a responsible kid before? Has he generally dropped out of things? Was he always 'the bad/difficult' kid in comparison to the 'good' sibling?
Any chance their is a mental health issue - maybe depression going on? It could just be unhappiness but I would consider depression too.
OP here: he has a lot anxiety, I think drinking helps him with it, hence
He's not willing to give it up.
Anonymous
01/27/2013 16:30
Subject: Re:How to reach out to my son
At the same time, our son turned out sweeter, kinder person than daughter. [google]
... more of a suck up you mean. I guess the DD is pretty pissed off about the unequal treatment and is therefore not so "nice" to you.
Anonymous
01/27/2013 15:29
Subject: How to reach out to my son
Sorry OP, but you are correct that you have no control over the situation. As long as you are unwilling to do something for fear that he will do something, like drop out of college, you can't accomplish anything. Your son is heading to hell in a handcart and you are helping him get there. He needs parents, not buddies.