Anonymous
Post 01/22/2013 17:21     Subject: Just out of curiosity.....
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Married 11 years with 4 children. My husband comes first. As others have said, the love for your spouse and children is totally different and equally as strong, but I still place my husband's needs first.


this is so bizarre. So, if your infant or toddler is crying because they fell and got hurt and need you. And your husband is asking you to clean off his cut and get him a bandaid - you're going to put your husband's needs above your child's? Crazy and I feel sorry for your kids.


For those of you talking about sex (or lack of sex) as an indicator of putting your kids' needs above your DH's or your DH's needs above your kids' needs. You are thinking of it wrong. Those that say I put my DH before kids because I have sex with him are really saying they are putting their DH's needs above their own - not above their kids. Same with those who say their kids come first because they don't have sex with DH. No, you are putting your OWN needs above (or below) your DH's. NOT your kids' needs. they go to bed. You either sleep (or clean house) or have sex with DH -

so really answer the question. In what order do you put everyone's needs. DH's kids and your own. If you REALLY answer honestly, you will ALL say your kids' needs are tended to first and formost.


OP here and the original post wasn't about the actual physical needs of my kids or my husband. Of course if my kids are hurt or hungry I will take car of them first because my husband can care for himself. When I'm saying is I'm not going to cancel a date night with my husband because I feel guilty about leaving my kids. Believe me when I say that my kids are very well and happy. I believe part of that is because they see mommy and daddy having such a good time together. The relationship I have with my husband is so much more important to me than the relationship I have with my kids.



Oh come on, do you really think that there are a lot of well adjusted women/men out there who would do this. You are just coping out bc the PP called you out. BTW, I think that you are lying about the last sentence as well.


Anonymous
Post 01/22/2013 17:17     Subject: Just out of curiosity.....
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Married 11 years with 4 children. My husband comes first. As others have said, the love for your spouse and children is totally different and equally as strong, but I still place my husband's needs first.


this is so bizarre. So, if your infant or toddler is crying because they fell and got hurt and need you. And your husband is asking you to clean off his cut and get him a bandaid - you're going to put your husband's needs above your child's? Crazy and I feel sorry for your kids.


For those of you talking about sex (or lack of sex) as an indicator of putting your kids' needs above your DH's or your DH's needs above your kids' needs. You are thinking of it wrong. Those that say I put my DH before kids because I have sex with him are really saying they are putting their DH's needs above their own - not above their kids. Same with those who say their kids come first because they don't have sex with DH. No, you are putting your OWN needs above (or below) your DH's. NOT your kids' needs. they go to bed. You either sleep (or clean house) or have sex with DH -

so really answer the question. In what order do you put everyone's needs. DH's kids and your own. If you REALLY answer honestly, you will ALL say your kids' needs are tended to first and formost.


OP here and the original post wasn't about the actual physical needs of my kids or my husband. Of course if my kids are hurt or hungry I will take car of them first because my husband can care for himself. When I'm saying is I'm not going to cancel a date night with my husband because I feel guilty about leaving my kids. Believe me when I say that my kids are very well and happy. I believe part of that is because they see mommy and daddy having such a good time together. The relationship I have with my husband is so much more important to me than the relationship I have with my kids.
Anonymous
Post 01/22/2013 17:12     Subject: Just out of curiosity.....
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:DW puts the kids first before me. That's why I'm a sex starved DH who has resentment issues.


This a bit of a non sequitor. Putting kids first does not = husband gets ignored. In my house it means that the husband may need to wait a little bit if child has a pressing need and we have a great marriage. What, your kids never sleep!? This is not about your kids something else is going on with your wife.


In a balanced relationship, it shouldn't; but it can happen if a wife uniformly puts being a mother ahead of being a wife. If a wife is constantly exhausted because she loves her kids so much she will spare them nothing, it can lead to her not saving any energy for sex with her husband.



I think the more likely scenario is that wife does not WANT to have sex with you so she finds something else to fill her time. Like I said, there is something else going on with your wife. You need to talk to her.
Anonymous
Post 01/22/2013 17:04     Subject: Just out of curiosity.....
Anonymous wrote:Married 11 years with 4 children. My husband comes first. As others have said, the love for your spouse and children is totally different and equally as strong, but I still place my husband's needs first.


this is so bizarre. So, if your infant or toddler is crying because they fell and got hurt and need you. And your husband is asking you to clean off his cut and get him a bandaid - you're going to put your husband's needs above your child's? Crazy and I feel sorry for your kids.


For those of you talking about sex (or lack of sex) as an indicator of putting your kids' needs above your DH's or your DH's needs above your kids' needs. You are thinking of it wrong. Those that say I put my DH before kids because I have sex with him are really saying they are putting their DH's needs above their own - not above their kids. Same with those who say their kids come first because they don't have sex with DH. No, you are putting your OWN needs above (or below) your DH's. NOT your kids' needs. they go to bed. You either sleep (or clean house) or have sex with DH -

so really answer the question. In what order do you put everyone's needs. DH's kids and your own. If you REALLY answer honestly, you will ALL say your kids' needs are tended to first and formost.
Anonymous
Post 01/22/2013 16:36     Subject: Just out of curiosity.....
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:DW puts the kids first before me. That's why I'm a sex starved DH who has resentment issues.


This a bit of a non sequitor. Putting kids first does not = husband gets ignored. In my house it means that the husband may need to wait a little bit if child has a pressing need and we have a great marriage. What, your kids never sleep!? This is not about your kids something else is going on with your wife.


Kids sleep at 9pm. Then DW is tired.
Anonymous
Post 01/22/2013 16:35     Subject: Just out of curiosity.....
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:DW puts the kids first before me. That's why I'm a sex starved DH who has resentment issues.


This a bit of a non sequitor. Putting kids first does not = husband gets ignored. In my house it means that the husband may need to wait a little bit if child has a pressing need and we have a great marriage. What, your kids never sleep!? This is not about your kids something else is going on with your wife.


In a balanced relationship, it shouldn't; but it can happen if a wife uniformly puts being a mother ahead of being a wife. If a wife is constantly exhausted because she loves her kids so much she will spare them nothing, it can lead to her not saving any energy for sex with her husband.
Anonymous
Post 01/22/2013 16:34     Subject: Just out of curiosity.....
Definitely husband. Before we even had kids we had many discussions over how we were going to keep our relationship strong. Ultimately we decided that we would have to choose each other over the kids sometimes. Does it mean we spend less time with our kids? Yes! But it also means we have a great healthy relationship and the kids can see that.

Both of our parents are divorced and now alone. We do see them as often as we can but that usually only comes out to about 8 times a year. I really wish my mom was still married because I know she gets lonely at times.
Anonymous
Post 01/22/2013 16:29     Subject: Just out of curiosity.....
Anonymous wrote:DW puts the kids first before me. That's why I'm a sex starved DH who has resentment issues.


This a bit of a non sequitor. Putting kids first does not = husband gets ignored. In my house it means that the husband may need to wait a little bit if child has a pressing need and we have a great marriage. What, your kids never sleep!? This is not about your kids something else is going on with your wife.
Anonymous
Post 01/22/2013 16:06     Subject: Just out of curiosity.....
DW puts the kids first before me. That's why I'm a sex starved DH who has resentment issues.
Anonymous
Post 01/22/2013 14:51     Subject: Just out of curiosity.....
ThatSmileyFaceGuy wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Right now, if push comes to shove, then my kid. But that is just because he is a kid (i.e., small innocent child). The answer ofcourse will change as he grows up and becomes more independent.

It's easy to say that but figure that it will be at least until the child drives before he/she is truely independent enough for you to put that plan into action. There is always something to do or somewhere to take them. Hopefully by the time that arrives in another decade or so your marriage will have survived the way you want it to and you and your spouse aren't just two people occupying the same house.
Do what you have to to keep your marriage strong now and then in 10 years you won't have to try to reconnect.


This coming from the idiot who believes swinging will strengthen your marriage. Please.
ThatSmileyFaceGuy
Post 01/22/2013 14:43     Subject: Just out of curiosity.....
Anonymous wrote:Right now, if push comes to shove, then my kid. But that is just because he is a kid (i.e., small innocent child). The answer ofcourse will change as he grows up and becomes more independent.

It's easy to say that but figure that it will be at least until the child drives before he/she is truely independent enough for you to put that plan into action. There is always something to do or somewhere to take them. Hopefully by the time that arrives in another decade or so your marriage will have survived the way you want it to and you and your spouse aren't just two people occupying the same house.
Do what you have to to keep your marriage strong now and then in 10 years you won't have to try to reconnect.
Anonymous
Post 01/22/2013 14:34     Subject: Re:Just out of curiosity.....
I love my kids more than my husband. When you say that your kids will one day leave, you are wrong OP. My kids will not likely leave my life or my heart. They will leave my house but they will always be my kids and nothing would ever replace that bond. We still go home for Christmas because of our parents. We travel to see them quite often. My husband could leave be at any moment and although it would be devastating at some point I could potentially remarry.

I don't think loving my kids more than my husband is akin to choosing one over the other. The margin is so small it's not even an issue. A mother child bond cannot be as easily broken as that of a spouse. If you don't believe me, just read some of the infidelity/divorce posts in this forum.

I think the key is to have interests and hobbies outside of your children but that holds true for husband and job as well. It's never healthy to be one dimensional. My children and my spouse don't fill a void, they compliment my life.
Anonymous
Post 01/22/2013 14:32     Subject: Just out of curiosity.....
Right now, if push comes to shove, then my kid. But that is just because he is a kid (i.e., small innocent child). The answer ofcourse will change as he grows up and becomes more independent.
Anonymous
Post 01/22/2013 14:27     Subject: Just out of curiosity.....
I had dinner with some friends the other night and we got talking about our sex lives. One friend said she hasn't had sex in 3 months because she feels like the time it takes to get in the mood is time she could be spending with her kids. I didn't say it because I didn't want her to feel bad, but I give my husband either a blowjob, hand job, or we have sex almost every night. I do believe it is important to put your spouse's happiness and needs first.
Anonymous
Post 01/22/2013 14:23     Subject: Just out of curiosity.....
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My husband fills a need in my life that my children cannot and should not. My children give me joy that my husband cannot. They fill different roles and therefore can't be compared. It's when parents use their children to serve their needs and not joys that there is a problem.


+1



+1 Especially the bolded part