OP, I think the message you are giving your daughter is a harmful one.

My ILs told my husband something similar. They said all the party kids would grow up to be garbage collectors and live in trailer homes, and he would laugh at them like they laughed at him now. They are Indian, and somehow, this was very comforting to them.

To be blunt, that's the wrong paradigm. You don't live your life according to revenge, or arrogance, or who can look down on whom. You live to be a good person who uses her God-given talents to bring love, joy, and peace to the world.

My oldest teenage daughter is homeschooled, but she has taken classes in various settings and experienced her own angst, so I'm not saying this out of thin air. Your daughter does not need to tear other people down to build herself up. Her value is infinite and independent of the way other people treat her. She is a unique, priceless, beautiful creation who has so much to offer.

Don't play these hurtful games. Rise above them. Where there is life, there is hope, as well as the temptation to despair. So what if the jock gets washed up, the popular girls marry badly, the nerds get rich? None of that is important. What is important is love. Do these kids grow up to love one another, to love their neighbor as themselves, to realize they need forgiveness and to forgive?

For me, I was the totally messed up nerdy outsider reject brainiac. Maybe I still am, despite my friendships and work and degrees, but I know God loves me, forgives me for my faults, and is trying to work with me.

I was captain of the cheerleading squad, homecoming queen, a jock, and a brain. I went to an Ivy, have a PhD, married the greatest guy who also happens to make a lot of money, and have a pretty great life. On the surface, it must have seemed like I had it all in high school, but I couldn't wait to get out of my town and make my own way. I only keep up with one friend from high school, don't use Facebook, and have never gone to a reunion. I don't live in the past. I live in the present, and the present is much better.

Straight-A stoner. Coasted through high school, had to work very hard in college to develop a work ethic and study skills. Had super-successful career for 18 years (journalism), now a SAHM. Much more self-confident and content in my life now than I was during my partying years or during my hyperdrive career years. The highs aren't as high (literally and figuratively) but the lows are not as low. I have good friends, a strong marriage, happy kids and do meaningful volunteer work. Sometimes I wish for a little more excitement, but on the whole life is good.

Anonymous wrote:Senior class president at a midwestern Catholic, girls only, high school. Classic beta "good girl". Have done fairly well with bad boy, good looking, smart Catholic boys school husband.

I wouldn't tell your daughter those things OP. I know you mean well, but it doesn't help her deal with her current situation. I think it would be better just to give her time to talk without commenting and trying to be "helpful mom". Try to get her involved with different things so she can find her niche. Also, if she focuses on tutoring a shy kid or babysitting or volunteering, she will learn some great skills.

PP, are you my cousin Kathleen? She was also a beta girl, as I was, and as my teen DD is now -- perhaps it's genetic? (I've also heard this type called gamma girls). I agree that OP should not tell her daughter that the cheerleaders will all end up living in trailer parks. That's just not true and it's kind of mean. What I'd tell her is that you don't have to be in the popular crowd to be happy; just be a good friend and you'll find a group of kids that you're comfortable with -- whether they're jocks, geeks, theatre kids or all-over-the-sociological-map. Most HS kids actually figure that out pretty quickly, I think. It's often the parents who fret more about whether their kids are popular.

Super nerd, introvert, good girl, voted "most likely to succeed" and "most talented". Lacked self-confidence which carried through college and law school. I had absolutely no sense of humor, which has come out only after my married my husband who is a non-stop laugh-riot.

I wish I had had more self-confidence in school at all levels. My career took off like a rocket. Then I had kids and I just leveled off. I like being a mom much more than being a super attorney. But I sure could use the super lawyer income right now. Sigh

Super nerd. Pretty high GPA, I had one best friend and no one else. Super racist environment, got called all kinds of terrible names. I wasn't bullied but boys and men especially said some horrible things to me. I had a long awkward stage, 11-17. We were poor and I had terrible clothes.

No boyfriends whatsoever - until I started working at an amusement park. I had clothes, I had new friends, new people outside of my close minded little town. Josh, if you are out there, you were great.

I'm confident in my looks now, not very ambitious, moderately successful lawyer (meaning I have a job). I did ok, I think.

I don't think you should be telling your DD that the geeks/brains win in the end and the cheerleaders/jocks wind up miserable!

Not only is it often completely untrue -- I know plenty of pretty/popular/athletic kids from high school who turned out happy and great -- it's only encouraging her to (a) perpetuate the stereotypes (of herself as well as others) and (b) comfort herself with some false sense of superiority which will only make it harder for her to connect with her peers.

The truth is, all sorts of things happen to people after high school, and there are about a million different pathways to happiness. And along the way, no one is just one thing. People are complex, even (especially?) teenagers who are just starting to explore and manage all the different parts of themselves.

So why not help your daughter look past the stereotypes to see the real people beneath them? She's more than whatever label her peers may have given her, and they are, too.

Sincerely,
Former Brain/Nerd/Jock (who happens to LOVE The Breakfast Club: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sv1I4q6lOpo )

Small town "pretty" blond cheerleader, very good grades but hated being around other cheerleaders and jocks. I was overcompensating for poor self-esteem and poor social skills and got very burnt out. My home life was a constant wreck. Eventually found my group with the theatre kids. When I finally extricated myself from the popular scence I finally started to figure out who I was. It was an unpleasant many-year process. There just wasn't any room in that small town for people who thought differently or embraced any type of world view. By late in high school people thought I would never amount to anything because of the path I chose. Some of those same people (cheerleaders, popular folks and the rest) are already grandparents with very difficult, wild children of their own. They never left that horrible small town. I am very happy, successful and fulfilled in my career and marriage.
I guess my answer mirrors what several PPs have said: finding a group, however small or fringe, is the key to making it out in one piece.

You don't want to teach you kid to bank on being successful by hoping the jocks and beautiful girls end up in jail and unweb mothers.

Do Geeks inherit the earth - yes some do. Some jocks are successful and some beautiful girls go to Harvard med school.

You should read Queen Bees and Wanna Bees.

Teach you daughter to be confident, do what she loves, make good friends and don't worry about what others turn out to be.

There was an article about this recently.

http://jezebel.com/5954049/revenge-of-the-nerds-lied-to-us-popular-people-do-better-in-life

As for my situation, I was relatively popular in high school but went to a school that valued both intelligence and athleticism. I got good grades, was varsity in 3 sports, and had a ton of friends, both in and out of school because I was also heavily involved in outside activities. Now I'm a typical DC lawyer with a great DH (also a lawyer) and beautiful DD. I think my DH was slightly nerdy in high school but also went to an academically challenging high school that valued the nerd in him. He was also extremely popular and athletic at the same time. We now have more friends than we can possibly see and lament our lack of free time. We're both very outgoing and make friends very easily, which I think is really what makes the difference for anyone.

My friends in high school who were also fairly popular are now all doctors and lawyers and the like. I really don't know what happened to the less popular kids as we haven't kept in touch.

I was an overweight, smart, theater girl. Big time nerd I had friends, and we weren't even considered the bottom rung of the social strata, but I did yearn to be cooler. I think that the groups crossed over more as we got older and I had more friends by senior year. I went to a good college and sort of struggled there socially until early junior year when I met my now husband. He was a band geek valedictorian in high school, now a doctor (I work part time and am sah part time). We have an amazing marriage, I think we're both attractive and in shape. We have two great kids and are pretty happy for the most part.

Everyone defines success differently. I hope that my kids are in the smart but cooler group of kids, I actually hope they're not the "popular preppy" kids that I sort of wanted to be a part of but, but not really because I knew they weren't all that nice.

According to FB, everyone is in different places. Some are successful and some aren't, depends on your definition again. I saw one girl who was popular and on the dance team at a concert a few years ago, we had never talked in high school I figured she wouldn't say a word to me, she walked right over and we started chatting and we keep up on FB. You never know.

Anonymous wrote:To be honest, it's people who develop good social skills that do well in life (controlling for intelligence). So while it's good to be smart, it's much better to be smart and social.

That. In HS I definitely crossed lines: smart/nerd, did 2 varsity sports, NHS, drama. Worked a PT job. These activities brought me in contact with different "cliques" of people all over the HS social map: nerds, drama nerds, jocks, etc. I had a nice social circle, none of us were prom queen, but most were about the same as me (pretty smart, reasonably athletic, outgoing). I would describe it as Tier 2 maybe.
BC I did not limit myself to one social circle I learned how to get along with lots of different types of people... I also realized that I MYSELF did not have to fit one single mold.
Now: reasonably successful (haven't been laid off at all which in my field is an accomplishment), great marriage, great kid. DH was the kid in HS who was reasonably well liked, but not popular, smoking pot out by the dumpster, told by teachers "you are smart but not fulfilling your potential."
Had it not been for both of ours morph-ability, we would never have given each other a second glance. Our close friends tend to come from all walks of life and would not immediately be labeled as "suitable friend" by someone outside looking in (know what I mean?).

Total brain and theater geek. Not close friends with any one crowd but friendly with all but the populars. Married to one of the "bad boys" (not at my school) - long-haired biker who indulged in dangerous behaviors.

People might have expected me to be successful, but my husband is by far - by far - the more successful. He is a biglaw partner. We ran into one of his college dormmates once, who could not believe that this was the same guy he had known.

30 years out of high school now. We have some close friends but mostly spend time together with our kids. I still am friendly with many people, but I don't feel any need to fit in with one group or another.

Anonymous wrote:Shy, smart girl who was definitely not popular.
Life turned out well because I worked really hard and went to good college, graduate school; now have a well-paying job that I enjoy.
Married a "dumb" going nowhere fast jock who turned his life around after being in the military. We do well financially and have a happy family and many friends (many more than I had growing up because I am nowhere near as shy as I was).

In terms of how the "popular" kids turned out -- the notion that the geeks inherit the Earth or what have you is a total myth.
All the cool kids from my h.s. are surprisingly successful -- guys from going in to business or some other field that rewards confidence and extroversion.
Most of the popular girls are successful only because they married well. Which in itself is an achievement, I guess?

I think I would tell your daughter not to worry about the popular kids and focus on making good friendships with people who value her. Good friends and confidence in oneself will get you far in life.

agreed. I was voted "best personality" so I guess I was popular and I made good grades, and was very good at soccer. I had a great HS experience but got lost at a big college. After college, got back on track and I have a great life. I keep in touch with people from HS and with the exception of one popular jock who used to beat up his cheerleader girlfriend in the hall (he is now in a assistant manager type of job at 32), everyone turned out differently and not at all dependent on who they were in high school. People grow up and change. Some don't. I agree that the most important thing is your daughter's own self esteem and finding good companionship, whether those are nerds, jocks, theater kids, popular kids, or anyone in between.

Shy, smart girl who was definitely not popular.
Life turned out well because I worked really hard and went to good college, graduate school; now have a well-paying job that I enjoy.
Married a "dumb" going nowhere fast jock who turned his life around after being in the military. We do well financially and have a happy family and many friends (many more than I had growing up because I am nowhere near as shy as I was).

In terms of how the "popular" kids turned out -- the notion that the geeks inherit the Earth or what have you is a total myth.
All the cool kids from my h.s. are surprisingly successful -- guys from going in to business or some other field that rewards confidence and extroversion.
Most of the popular girls are successful only because they married well. Which in itself is an achievement, I guess?

I think I would tell your daughter not to worry about the popular kids and focus on making good friendships with people who value her. Good friends and confidence in oneself will get you far in life.