YES! It depends more on the child's attitude though. If he/she supports his/her spouse and stand by him/her, I don't think a MIL can influence it.

My friend told his (very wealthy and very bitchy) mother: "mom, if you are going to make me choose between my wife and you, I guarantee you will lose."

Done.

Don't cut her out yet. She probably is trying to help, but has no idea how she is coming across. Your husband needs to make it clear that he will not tolerate this criticism. If she dares to call or send an email about some trivial thing, he will cut off her access to the grandkids. Done. She needs to be put in serious timeout.

There's no such thing as a free lunch or free child care by a relative.

16:05 here. I have to stress that if DH does not stand up to her (she may be counting on that!) - it is NOT the end of anything. It is your cue to step in, even if you are in shock at his reaction to her (she may be counting on that too!).

Remember, she must have been a doozy to have as a mother if she can't even be a decent MIL or GM! If she says she is supportive, that means nothing. If she *acts* like she is supportive, well that is a whole 'nother thing!

My DH knew *nothing* about backing me up until he learned what loyalty is from his *new* family, and what a family means. He grew up thinking passive aggressive abuse, ganging up (and more) was acceptable. Change used to be unacceptable in his f*cked up world; acting like a cohesive family (unless someone needed something) was out of the question; strong women with their own world view were absolutely out of the question. Guess where he learned *that*? Not in my house, honey.

Keep us posted OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sure your MIL is a piece of work but you are as well? I usually find the women who hate their MIL to be sort of the controlling type or overthink things. Maybe you need to not be so sensitive and when someone bothers you..talk to her and don't be passive aggressive. I hate when I hear things like "should I cut her out" ..seriously is that even mature.

What! Her MIL keeps lists of things about her that she thinks she is doing wrong with her children and emails dh about it. I think that is unacceptable. I don't see why you are blaming this poor woman because her MIL sounds crazy as a loon.

Yes, but this is only a big deal if her husband cares about what is mother has to say - the fact that he has stopped sharing with OP tells me that he does not. My MIL does something similar, except she complains to my mother (her son wont listen). Sometimes my mom relays them, sometimes she does not, but we always have a laugh about it and once in a while she actually has a criticism that makes me change something in my household.

Wow, this makes my MIL sound like a saint!

A MIL can only ruin your marraige if your husband won't stand up to her. Your DH is part of the way there by not repeating her vile diatribes, but he needs to tell her to can it NOW. That is totally unnacceptable. I'd also think about limitng contact to only times when your DH is around, and then you can leave for some alone time. She can take up all of the issues with him in person if she must.

If this isn't nipped in the bud now, imagine in a few years when she complains about you to your kids when you're not around. She sounds like the type to disregard your parenting decisions and badmouth you.

15:52 - MIL IS THAT YOU? BECAUSE YOU MAKE NO SENSE.

OP, you need to have that woman less involved in your life. My MIL used to come over for bragging rights only. She actually expected me (an exhausted, nursing first time brand new mom) to leave my own house. She was in no way helping, but we wanted her involved. But needless to say, sometimes it is just not worth it.

My MIL and I are polar opposites, which is fine, no one should be the same - how boring would that be!? But really, she needs to back off. If your DH won't do it (he may have been abused/ignored/worse by her as well); there is no law saying you can't be short and sweet and concise telling her to back off yourself: "no we have it, thanks." If she pushes, you can push back. Put it on her. She wants to push, so push back. She may or may not ever learn boundaries, but it does not have to be your problem.

It is YOUR time. Don't let her issues try to take away from a significant time in your life! Don't give her what she wants. She can NOT tear you and DH apart. She should be a non-issue.

As for the naysayers or "maybe its yous", be glad and GRATEFUL if you have a nice, decent, minimal-issue MIL. Otherwise, back off if you are not one yourself.

Signed, BTDT. GL OP, you are not alone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sure your MIL is a piece of work but you are as well? I usually find the women who hate their MIL to be sort of the controlling type or overthink things. Maybe you need to not be so sensitive and when someone bothers you..talk to her and don't be passive aggressive. I hate when I hear things like "should I cut her out" ..seriously is that even mature.

What! Her MIL keeps lists of things about her that she thinks she is doing wrong with her children and emails dh about it. I think that is unacceptable. I don't see why you are blaming this poor woman because her MIL sounds crazy as a loon.

I think that the PP that you responded to has a point. In an ideal world the Op's husband would talk to his mother but there is no such thing as an ideal world. OP, you need to talk to her. Let her know that you are hurt by her criticism and that you will not stand for it - be firm and make it clear you will not stand for her toying with you. Its been my experience that people only fuck with people that allow it. Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:I am sure your MIL is a piece of work but you are as well? I usually find the women who hate their MIL to be sort of the controlling type or overthink things. Maybe you need to not be so sensitive and when someone bothers you..talk to her and don't be passive aggressive. I hate when I hear things like "should I cut her out" ..seriously is that even mature.

I agree that a lot of MIL complaints sound like neurosis on a two-way street, but it sounds like this poor OP is dealing with a monster. OP, it sounds like you need to limit her access to your kids. Can you afford to hire some child care, adjust work schedules, or something? And I agree with PPs that your husband needs to set some clear and firm boundaries with his mother.

Anonymous wrote:I am sure your MIL is a piece of work but you are as well? I usually find the women who hate their MIL to be sort of the controlling type or overthink things. Maybe you need to not be so sensitive and when someone bothers you..talk to her and don't be passive aggressive. I hate when I hear things like "should I cut her out" ..seriously is that even mature.

What! Her MIL keeps lists of things about her that she thinks she is doing wrong with her children and emails dh about it. I think that is unacceptable. I don't see why you are blaming this poor woman because her MIL sounds crazy as a loon.

I am sure your MIL is a piece of work but you are as well? I usually find the women who hate their MIL to be sort of the controlling type or overthink things. Maybe you need to not be so sensitive and when someone bothers you..talk to her and don't be passive aggressive. I hate when I hear things like "should I cut her out" ..seriously is that even mature.

Anonymous wrote:Your husband needs to tell his mom that he will no longer listen to her criticizing you, whether in emails, on the phone or in person. Then he must follow through. If she continues, you will have to severely limit her access.

+1

This. MIL will only ruin your marriage if DH doesn't stand up to her and deal with it.

Anonymous wrote:It's up to your husband to let his mother know this will not be tolerated. Period.

+1 He needs to tell her what she is doing is unacceptable and that she will not be welcome around his family if she continues this. Has he really not already addressed this with her?!

You moved to be closer to parents, does that include your family? Otherwise why did young closer to ILs?