Anonymous wrote:Honestly unless it was done in a super-aggressive or obnoxious fashion, I'd chalk this up to an older person who loses sight of the fact that not everyone does things precisely the way he or she does it. I don't quite understand the complaint that the OP's FIL "trumped her place as host." I mean, this isn't Victorian England, and I assume your dinner wasn't a formal affair for several hundred, so I don't see the need for such an insistence on protocol and precedence. OP, try to revive a little Christmas spirit and be charitable toward someone who probably meant no harm or insult.

You don't host much do you?

Honestly unless it was done in a super-aggressive or obnoxious fashion, I'd chalk this up to an older person who loses sight of the fact that not everyone does things precisely the way he or she does it. I don't quite understand the complaint that the OP's FIL "trumped her place as host." I mean, this isn't Victorian England, and I assume your dinner wasn't a formal affair for several hundred, so I don't see the need for such an insistence on protocol and precedence. OP, try to revive a little Christmas spirit and be charitable toward someone who probably meant no harm or insult.

As a Jewish guest, not a big deal to me. Just a moment of Christmas dinner.

But as a hostess I can see that you need to sort this out for the future with your FIL.

Some people cannot eat without saying grace. We have friends who do this at restaurants. I respect it, but I dont' do this myself. When we have been out to dinner with them, we all say grace. I figure it is more important for them to say grace than for us to not say it.

OP- I would be annoyed too. The religious aspect of it wouldn't have bothered me since its a religious day, but trumping your place as the host would have. It's very patriarchal of your FIL, like he is asserting his role as "head of the family". Understandable, and I'd probably let it go, but also annoying. If I hosted next year, I'd have DH pull FIL aside and either ask FIL to do the prayer or let him know DH planned on doing it.

I don't think the religious part is the issue here - it's a hosting issue. The fact that your father-in-law trumped your husband in his own house speaks volumes. Your husband should have been the one to say a few words (grace, toast, whatever) before dinner started. Your father-in-law was staking claim as the "man of the house" or the host of the evening over you and your husband. THAT is what would have pissed me off, not the fact of what was said, but the fact that he said something at all.

As a guest, I would have assumed that your FIL was the host of the dinner (even if it was in your house) because he was the one speaking before the meal.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No reasonable person participating in a holiday/family celebration for another person's religion would be offended by a prayer before dinner. It is part of agreeing to be present at the meal itself.

Exactly this.

Yep.

You are over reacting OP.

It would have been nice if the prayer had been more general, but other than that, it's hard to believe anyone would be offended by this.

Putting aside the issue of your FIL doing it against your wishes/custom, we have non-Jews over for shabbat dinner all the time and always make the blessings over the wine and challah.

I think if you invite someone over for a religious holiday (and Christmas is religious at its core, even if you are not), the guests expect an element of religion.

As a Jew, I wouldn't be offended by a grace on Christmas, though I always do appreciate it if the "in Jesus's name we pray" or similar language is left out so I feel like I can join in. But on Christmas, Easter, etc., I'd be expecting it.

But, I think it's beyond rude that your FIL pre-empted your and his son's roles as host. Have you asked your DH if he believes as "head" of the family this remains his responsibility regardless of whose home it is? I wouldn't like that -- it's pushy and infantilizing.

I can totally see my father-in-law doing this. And it would irk me a bit, but I wouldn't say anything or make a big deal out of it. Just one more thing to add to the list...

would have not bothered me one bit. ppl really are too tense around here. It is just a prayer during the holiday season! seems like something is always offending someone!

Grace before a meal at a religious celebration = totally normal, I doubt your guests thought twice about it.

Your FIL jumping in and deciding how to do things at your house = potential boundary issue.

As PPs have mentioned I wouldn't worry about your guests / the religious parts of the grace in this situation. But your "this is MY house" reaction points out some potential conflict areas between you & your in-laws, and since they're moving close by it's probably worth it to figure out how you feel/what you want. Because this isn't really a right/wrong situation, but a 'what's right for our family' situation, and only you can figure out what that looks like for you.

No reasonable person participating in a holiday/family celebration for another person's religion would be offended by a prayer before dinner. It is part of agreeing to be present at the meal itself.

Exactly this.

My parents always say grace before they eat when they stay with me even though I"m not a religious person. I totally disagree with the above. FIL was disrespectful because it was a formal dinner with guest, and he didn't ask permission first. The only person who would say the above is the religious person who believes that all those with different beliefs must tolerate their public displays of religion.

Anonymous wrote:I am not religious and we don't say grace, but I would not have given a rat's ass about this.

+1. The only thing that would have made me uncomfortable is if it was a strongly Christian grace with non-Christians present. But I'd feel uncomfortable for a few minutes, apologize later to anyone who might have felt unincluded/uncomfortable, and moved on.