OP, you should see a therapist. I can tell you from experience that these boundary issues are only going to get worse & there are red flags all over your post. Google daughters of narcissistic mothers. Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, we've said a lot. What is your thinking?

OP here, I know PPs are right and I should put my foot down, but I dread having to tell my mother that I don't want her there (or really that DH doesn't). She will lay on the emotional guilt, and even though I know what she is doing, it still makes me feel bad. On the other hand, I also do not feel right about lying and, say, pretending that my c-section is scheduled for an earlier date and opps, I went into labor early. Lying is very tempting though.

Well, yeah. It's going to be difficult and uncomfortable. That doesn't mean it's not the right thing to do. And you know what else? This will be excellent practice for parenting. Seriously, this is not the last battle you will have to fight. It's not even the last battle you'll have to fight with your mom. The good news is, it gets easier the more you do it. And keep in mind that you're about to enter into a very, very trying time in your marriage. You guys will be stressed and exhausted. You both need to know that you have each other's backs. This is your family now. You love your mom, I know, but THIS is your family now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, we've said a lot. What is your thinking?

OP here, I know PPs are right and I should put my foot down, but I dread having to tell my mother that I don't want her there (or really that DH doesn't). She will lay on the emotional guilt, and even though I know what she is doing, it still makes me feel bad. On the other hand, I also do not feel right about lying and, say, pretending that my c-section is scheduled for an earlier date and opps, I went into labor early. Lying is very tempting though.

First of all, you cannot tell her that it is your DH who doesn't want her there. You have to think longer term now. You and DH are a unit, along with your children.

Secondly, you aren't saying that you don't want her there. You are saying that the two of you want to have private family time for a few days and, besides, the hospital will not allow two people in OR. This isn't a vaginal labor, it's a c-section.

Third, you need to decide now how you will handle her guilt tripping you as a grandmother. You can dodge it now, maybe, but you can't dodge it forever. You're an adult. Tell her your plan and don't allow her to berate you.

Anonymous wrote:I can't help but think how hurt I would be if my daughter doesn't want me in the hospital one day like I want my mother when I deliver. Maybe I am just lucky to have the incredible mother I have and hope that I will be half as good as she is. My husband adores my mother. I understand that the OP's mother is not pleasant to be around and I am sorry for that and counting my blessings. I can't imagine having to find coping strategies to deal with my mother. I'm sorry, OP.

I love my mother and have a wonderful, amazing relationship with her, and yet I *absolutely* did not want her in my delivery room. It had nothing to do with her, really, it was all about me wanting the fewest number of bodies there possible. The only person I *wanted* there was DH, and I tolerated the midwife and nurse because I had to. I'm just a very introverted, private person and I needed for my own comfort and sanity to keep things small. (And for everyone out there who will say, "but you know you lose all sense of modesty in labor and don't notice things like that, right" -- I didn't lose my sense of modesty and I DID notice every extra person. And *even if* that had not been the case, the thought of extra people made me very anxious beforehand so why should I not try to prepare for/anticipate my own needs?)

My mother, understanding me as a person very well, did not bat an eye when I gently told her.

Good luck, OP. I have to agree with the PPs that (since you don't have a strong preference) your DH's wishes need to come before your mother's. I don't think you should lie about delivery dates, but I don't think there's much harm in not giving the whole truth if she reacts badly. Something like "I love you very much but the hospital will only allow me one support person, and that has to be DH. We hope to see you at the hospital the next day, as soon as I'm allowed visitors." And then ask the nurses for help keeping her visit short if necessary. DON'T tell her you don't want her there, as it sounds like for you that isn't exactly true anyway, but there's also no reason to hurt her by telling her that hospital policy wasn't your main deciding factor.

Anonymous wrote:OP, we've said a lot. What is your thinking?

OP here, I know PPs are right and I should put my foot down, but I dread having to tell my mother that I don't want her there (or really that DH doesn't). She will lay on the emotional guilt, and even though I know what she is doing, it still makes me feel bad. On the other hand, I also do not feel right about lying and, say, pretending that my c-section is scheduled for an earlier date and opps, I went into labor early. Lying is very tempting though.

As a mother, I never wanted my own mother in the labor room with me. Our relationship is good, but it simply would not work. She has been an excellent grandmother to my kids and has been a real blessing to me as a mother, but looking back I know having her in the labor room would have been a mistake.

As a doula I've seen grandmothers come in and really mess with the energy in the room, causing significant tension. Sometimes it's because the grandmothers are high maintenance drama queens, sometimes it's because they don't know how to be helpful, and assume that their daughters want or need whatever they had (or didn't have) at their own births.

Only once have I seen a mother be truly helpful.

As far as cesareans go, the hospital will probably only allow one support person, your husband, to be in the OR, and it could be several hours after surgery before anyone else is allowed to visit you. Honestly, a visit on the second day would be a lot easier on everyone. And then tell the nurses that too, because they can be a defensive line for you. Yes, you need to be honest with your mother, but there's no shame in relying on some extra help. Nurses do that kind of thing all the time, and they're usually happy to do it.

You need to stand up to your mom on this one. Talk with DH about what makes the most sense, but at the earliest she should come the day AFTER your c-section. Listen to his concerns. He will be tired and stressed out too--and wanting that precious time with you and your little one, not having to fight your mom.

Think about what YOU want to--NOT what will make your mom happy.

Are you me? Good luck.

I can't help but think how hurt I would be if my daughter doesn't want me in the hospital one day like I want my mother when I deliver. Maybe I am just lucky to have the incredible mother I have and hope that I will be half as good as she is. My husband adores my mother. I understand that the OP's mother is not pleasant to be around and I am sorry for that and counting my blessings. I can't imagine having to find coping strategies to deal with my mother. I'm sorry, OP.

This is a crazy incredible moment for you and your DH. Your first child is being born. You want that moment as close to perfect as possible. If your mother being in there would possibly affect the mood, then she should stay out. Let her come to the hospital during scheduled hours, and explain to her how your new little family needs time to bond.

I thought only one person was allowed in the room during a c-section? Maybe it depends on the hospital. Either way, be blunt with your mother. She'll get over it.

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, OP.
I suggest you "blame" the hospital.
The reality is that most hospitals only allow the father in the room for a C-section. If for whatever reason your hospital does allow other family members into the room, well, your mom doesn't need to know that now, does she?
Just tell her, "Sorry, Mom! Hospital rules! You can see the baby after."

Don't blame the hospital. Be direct.

Your DH matters more than your mother. Come on already. He's the dad. She's just the meddling grandmother.

My MIL wanted to come to the hospital, but my DH and I really just wanted family bonding time. Rather than giving her a flat no, we tried to give her an alternative that made her special. We told her that there would be so many nurses helping us in the hospital, and it would be so much more important to us to have her ready and waiting at home when we got there, since that was when we would most need to rely on her many years of experience as a mom. Good luck!

OP, we've said a lot. What is your thinking?

Anonymous wrote:My "high maintenance" (aka boundary-challenged) mom insisted on being at the hospital when my DD was born, and even though she wasn't in the room for the c-section after labor failed to progress, she was really overwhelming and as I was just fresh from delivering a baby, my DH bore the brunt of it. Two years later, he still regrets acquiesing to her being there, and he's right--she intruded in our first moments bonding as a family. DH and DD are super close now, but I regret not doing everything in my power to facilitate their initial bonding as father and daughter.

This is obviously important to your DH, too. Now that we're about to do it a second time around, I've put my foot down. My mother will not be at the hospital until we're ready for her to come.

I was just about to post this.
If I were DH, I think I would also be annoyed with YOU for not taking his side and you not telling your mom to back off. It might be different if your mom was respectful and was actually helpful, but since you admit she is high maintance that really makes it irritating for DH.

My "high maintenance" (aka boundary-challenged) mom insisted on being at the hospital when my DD was born, and even though she wasn't in the room for the c-section after labor failed to progress, she was really overwhelming and as I was just fresh from delivering a baby, my DH bore the brunt of it. Two years later, he still regrets acquiesing to her being there, and he's right--she intruded in our first moments bonding as a family. DH and DD are super close now, but I regret not doing everything in my power to facilitate their initial bonding as father and daughter.

This is obviously important to your DH, too. Now that we're about to do it a second time around, I've put my foot down. My mother will not be at the hospital until we're ready for her to come.