Anonymous
12/14/2012 17:20
Subject: Re:Ah, the holidays, which means conflicts with the in-laws. Anyone in group therapy with in-Laws?
If they are rude and angry people, I would not let them be with my children unattended as suggested by previous posters.
What I might suggest is a standing date with the grand-parents. For us, it would be something like every first Tuesday of the month, have dinner with them at Silver Diner for kids night.
My in-laws are difficult to deal with and we only have to see them 2-3 times a year for 2-3 days at a time - even this is too much. My FIL says inappropriate things infront of my 5YO all the time. He speaks disrespectfully to my MIL and she accepts it. Anytime he starts in on a negative diatribe, we get up and usher the children out of the room. It makes me crazy. We are close to the day where we just give up.
I'm sorry, it should not be this difficult.
What I might suggest is a standing date with the grand-parents. For us, it would be something like every first Tuesday of the month, have dinner with them at Silver Diner for kids night.
My in-laws are difficult to deal with and we only have to see them 2-3 times a year for 2-3 days at a time - even this is too much. My FIL says inappropriate things infront of my 5YO all the time. He speaks disrespectfully to my MIL and she accepts it. Anytime he starts in on a negative diatribe, we get up and usher the children out of the room. It makes me crazy. We are close to the day where we just give up.
I'm sorry, it should not be this difficult.
Anonymous
12/14/2012 17:07
Subject: Ah, the holidays, which means conflicts with the in-laws. Anyone in group therapy with in-Laws?
OP here - thank you for everyone's thoughts, especially PP. Between our work schedules, play dates, extracurricular activities, the rare get-togethers with our close friends, etc., about once a week for about half a day is all we can manage. It has been hard to convey that. I have tried to explain politely, but I think it's DH's job to really stand up to his parents. That might appear passive-aggressive on my part, but frank discussions are difficult with the in-laws. They can fly off the handle, are despondent, rude, and generally angry people. They are DH's parents and I feel he needs to figure it out. I certainly can't.
Anonymous
12/14/2012 17:03
Subject: Ah, the holidays, which means conflicts with the in-laws. Anyone in group therapy with in-Laws?
HAHAHAHAHA. I'm laughing because it would be a cold day in hell before ANY of the ILs ADMIT they need professional help. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Everyone Loves Raymond would have NOTHING on that scenario!
It might be to your benefit to be in on the meetings, even if you say very little, OP.
My ILs are overly secretive and insular on top of that, which most people can only imagine how that ADDS to the problems which are glaringly obvious.
I wish you luck.
Everyone Loves Raymond would have NOTHING on that scenario!
It might be to your benefit to be in on the meetings, even if you say very little, OP.
My ILs are overly secretive and insular on top of that, which most people can only imagine how that ADDS to the problems which are glaringly obvious.
I wish you luck.
Anonymous
12/14/2012 16:48
Subject: Ah, the holidays, which means conflicts with the in-laws. Anyone in group therapy with in-Laws?
Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't say that grandparents are entitled to a relationship with the grandchildren, but I would say that children are entitled to a relationship with their grandparents.
Agreed - with the caveat that those grandparents enrich children's life by respecting Mommy and the nuclear family and contributing to the general harmony of the family.
Grandparents who want Mommy to attend therapy with them seem like they don't understand that mommy is the boss and they are extended family. They don't get that it't not up for negotiation and this, in my opinion, has to be causing some stress.
+1
This does not sound like a good situation for group therapy. ILs are inserting themselves where they have no authority, namely, over your time.
Anonymous
12/14/2012 16:23
Subject: Ah, the holidays, which means conflicts with the in-laws. Anyone in group therapy with in-Laws?
I wouldn't say that grandparents are entitled to a relationship with the grandchildren, but I would say that children are entitled to a relationship with their grandparents.
Agreed - with the caveat that those grandparents enrich children's life by respecting Mommy and the nuclear family and contributing to the general harmony of the family.
Grandparents who want Mommy to attend therapy with them seem like they don't understand that mommy is the boss and they are extended family. They don't get that it't not up for negotiation and this, in my opinion, has to be causing some stress.
Agreed - with the caveat that those grandparents enrich children's life by respecting Mommy and the nuclear family and contributing to the general harmony of the family.
Grandparents who want Mommy to attend therapy with them seem like they don't understand that mommy is the boss and they are extended family. They don't get that it't not up for negotiation and this, in my opinion, has to be causing some stress.
Anonymous
12/14/2012 12:00
Subject: Ah, the holidays, which means conflicts with the in-laws. Anyone in group therapy with in-Laws?
Invite them in your life, but at this point, with you raising the next generation, they need to live by your rules. Otherwise, cut them out if you can't stand them. Seriously.
Anonymous
12/14/2012 11:26
Subject: Ah, the holidays, which means conflicts with the in-laws. Anyone in group therapy with in-Laws?
Anonymous wrote:Grandparents are not entitled to a relationship with your children. However, if they're not toxic, I would allow them time with your children without you, if you're comfortable. Every other week is plenty of time, assuming you would also like to spend time with your husband and children as a nuclear family (which is what you are).
What you're doing (having your husband handle the communication with HIS parents is absolutely appropriate) and I would continue with that. Group counseling is not appropriate for you and your in-laws because you don't all have to come to an agreement. *You* are the mother, *you* set the boundaries. They raised their kids. It is what it is and if they don't like it and continue to complain, I would let them know that it will result in LESS time with the grandkids, not more.
Nip this in the bud now or you'll be living with them trying to butt in to every sacred moment you want for just you and your family.
I wouldn't say that grandparents are entitled to a relationship with the grandchildren, but I would say that children are entitled to a relationship with their grandparents.
"Nip this in the bud" = Control Freak alert!!
Anonymous
12/14/2012 11:18
Subject: Re:Ah, the holidays, which means conflicts with the in-laws. Anyone in group therapy with in-Laws?
2-4 times a month was way too much with DH schedule. We did not have time for ourselves at all. MIL was too old and feeble to babysit, so we felt like we were babysitting everyone.
Anonymous
12/14/2012 11:17
Subject: Ah, the holidays, which means conflicts with the in-laws. Anyone in group therapy with in-Laws?
There is no set amount of time with the grandparents that is either appropriate or inappropriate - what YOU feel comfortable with is what is appropriate. I have a feeling these people have crossed some boundaries with you and you have some residual resentment toward them. That's fine and you should go with what makes you comfortable, but I would let your husband know that you are not comfortable because of incidents x,y and z and the situation might change if they learn to respect your feelings and position as the children's mother.
Anonymous
12/14/2012 11:14
Subject: Ah, the holidays, which means conflicts with the in-laws. Anyone in group therapy with in-Laws?
Grandparents are not entitled to a relationship with your children. However, if they're not toxic, I would allow them time with your children without you, if you're comfortable. Every other week is plenty of time, assuming you would also like to spend time with your husband and children as a nuclear family (which is what you are).
What you're doing (having your husband handle the communication with HIS parents is absolutely appropriate) and I would continue with that. Group counseling is not appropriate for you and your in-laws because you don't all have to come to an agreement. *You* are the mother, *you* set the boundaries. They raised their kids. It is what it is and if they don't like it and continue to complain, I would let them know that it will result in LESS time with the grandkids, not more.
Nip this in the bud now or you'll be living with them trying to butt in to every sacred moment you want for just you and your family.
What you're doing (having your husband handle the communication with HIS parents is absolutely appropriate) and I would continue with that. Group counseling is not appropriate for you and your in-laws because you don't all have to come to an agreement. *You* are the mother, *you* set the boundaries. They raised their kids. It is what it is and if they don't like it and continue to complain, I would let them know that it will result in LESS time with the grandkids, not more.
Nip this in the bud now or you'll be living with them trying to butt in to every sacred moment you want for just you and your family.
Anonymous
12/14/2012 10:19
Subject: Ah, the holidays, which means conflicts with the in-laws. Anyone in group therapy with in-Laws?
How long are the two to four visits a month? If they're overnight visits then that seems like a good amount. If they're just an hour or two then that's not a lot unless you're having to juggle schedules and arrange to do pick ups and drop offs. Once a week is a lot to have to rearrange your schedule. So I agree with the others that we need more information.
Anonymous
12/14/2012 10:03
Subject: Ah, the holidays, which means conflicts with the in-laws. Anyone in group therapy with in-Laws?
Anonymous wrote:Your response has nothing to do with the topic, PP. but thanks for pointing out the obvious. Let me guess, you're a grandma with a DIL who can't stand you.
Nope, I'm in my early 30s. Love my parents, love their 2nd spouses, respect and really care for my MIL (she is insanely different from my family and culture and I can still care for her as a person) and think my FIL is mind numbing and incredibly irritating, but I deal.
It wasn't "off topic"- its perspective that relationships are a 2 way street- I rarely think that the in law issues are ALWAYS one sided as they are nearly always presented. And I think perspective is needed sometimes.
What I do think you have right there is the idea that you and your husband need to work it out and he should probably be the one to bring the subject to his parents but you should be part of the conversation too.
Anonymous
12/14/2012 09:50
Subject: Ah, the holidays, which means conflicts with the in-laws. Anyone in group therapy with in-Laws?
2-4 times a month is a LOT. Your inlaws should stop complaining.
Anonymous
12/14/2012 09:23
Subject: Re:Ah, the holidays, which means conflicts with the in-laws. Anyone in group therapy with in-Laws?
I think 2-4 times a month is plenty, if that is all you can or wish to manage. Agree with the others that perhaps *both* you and DH should communicate with in-laws about the schedule - otherwise you come off a little passive-agressive - but otherwise stick to your guns.
Anonymous
12/14/2012 08:32
Subject: Ah, the holidays, which means conflicts with the in-laws. Anyone in group therapy with in-Laws?
Anonymous wrote:The conflict: how much time children spend with in-laws in general. Currently, 2-4 times per month. My position is that DH and I get to decide and DH should be the one to relay what we are comfortable with to his parents. Unfortunately, his parents believe I need to be part of the discussion/negotiation and they have even suggested group therapy (!). Help.
I've always thought this was a bit ridiculous. You're an adult, act like one. If that means you meed to sometimes have conversations that go beyond the superficial with members of your family (and yes, your in-laws are members of your family too), then do it.