Anonymous wrote:I'm dreading this question and hope it never comes.

I am so thankful for IVF and strongly believe that no one should put a stigma on it. (I sure don't.)

At the same time, there are THREE other peoples' medical privacy to protect, other than just me.

I'm also in my 30s with a strong family history of fraternal twins (both of which point to conceiving fraternal twins that are so-called "natural") so it is easy for me to hedge and keep the conversation pleasant and going.

But I'd much rather respond, "Why do you ask?".

I'm just 30, also expecting twins (and have a 2 yo already), and have a couple sets of twins in the family. I'm not sure if it's because of my age or what, but my experience is that most people ask "do they run in the family?" -- not "are they natural?" or "did you do IVF?" (Although I have been asked that directly, too!) I think it's a less rude variation on the same question, and generally just say that yes, they do run in our family. Of course, that's not how we got ours, but no need to go into that!

I'm dreading this question and hope it never comes.

I am so thankful for IVF and strongly believe that no one should put a stigma on it. (I sure don't.)

At the same time, there are THREE other peoples' medical privacy to protect, other than just me.

I'm also in my 30s with a strong family history of fraternal twins (both of which point to conceiving fraternal twins that are so-called "natural") so it is easy for me to hedge and keep the conversation pleasant and going.

But I'd much rather respond, "Why do you ask?".

Anonymous wrote:
This is so good. Brilliant response. I wish I had this response when my son was a baby. He is bi-racial (African Am/White) and I was always amazed by the rudeness of strangers. Right in the middle of Giant, I was asked "Is he mixed?" Or once while walking down the sidewalk I was asked, "Is he mulatto?"

My parent's former neighbors - a lovely couple, interracial with three gorgeous kids - had one of these experiences. She was in the market with her baby girl and someone asked, "She's beautiful! Where did you get her?"

She said, "my husband".

Anonymous wrote:My favorite response to these types of intrusive questions comes from another DCUMer. She said the best response is, "Why do you ask?" It immediately points out that the other person is being nosy without being too confrontational. If they push, you can say, "We don't generally discuss our child's conception, but if we change our minds, you'll be the first to know."

This is so good. Brilliant response. I wish I had this response when my son was a baby. He is bi-racial (African Am/White) and I was always amazed by the rudeness of strangers. Right in the middle of Giant, I was asked "Is he mixed?" Or once while walking down the sidewalk I was asked, "Is he mulatto?"

Agree with responding with "Why do you ask?"

Another variation: Play dumb. Give them a quizzical look and ask "What do you mean by natural?" The reason they are asking you that is that they know that downright asking you if you've had IVF is rude and inappropriate. If they actually have to ask the question directly, they will realize what an inappropriate thing it is.

And if you're really in a snippy mood, of course Carolyn Hax's patented "Wow" and saying nothing else works wonders, too!

Anonymous wrote:

+1000. I can't believe there are people who think otherwise. I'm a mom via donor egg. I know kids who I'm pretty sure were DE-conceived, and I'm friends with their moms. I would never EVER ask these moms how they got their twins. I would love to connect with another mom IRL who had kids via DE, but their right to privacy trumps my desire to connect over this issue. Attempting to "out" someone regarding the circumstances of their kids' conception is rude as hell.

DE mom here: I never told anyone, although friends did ask. How could they ASK? I told them, why no, TTC finally worked. It is far in the past now; working up to how to tell the DCs when and how etc. Very BEST decision for us! We are so lucky.

I'm the PP you responded to. I can't believe your friends asked!

As for your family, I'm sure you are all very lucky to have each other Sending you warm wishes from one anonymous DE mom to another.

My favorite response to these types of intrusive questions comes from another DCUMer. She said the best response is, "Why do you ask?" It immediately points out that the other person is being nosy without being too confrontational. If they push, you can say, "We don't generally discuss our child's conception, but if we change our minds, you'll be the first to know."

+1000. I can't believe there are people who think otherwise. I'm a mom via donor egg. I know kids who I'm pretty sure were DE-conceived, and I'm friends with their moms. I would never EVER ask these moms how they got their twins. I would love to connect with another mom IRL who had kids via DE, but their right to privacy trumps my desire to connect over this issue. Attempting to "out" someone regarding the circumstances of their kids' conception is rude as hell.

DE mom here: I never told anyone, although friends did ask. How could they ASK? I told them, why no, TTC finally worked. It is far in the past now; working up to how to tell the DCs when and how etc. Very BEST decision for us! We are so lucky.

...if you are still pregnant, then I do think it's inappropriate to ask at all. I can definitely see it being uncomfortable while you are still vulnerable (sorry, I didn't know you were still pregnant, OP).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you should let your dukes down, op, and realize that while you may perceive their question as inappropriate or impolite, their intentions are quite the opposite. They're trying to make conversation and inquire about your life and your children. They're showing an interest. They may express themselves clumsily in doing so, but can we all stop assuming the worst about people from the get-go?

Even if they're just trying to make conversation, it's a totally inappropriate medical question, both about the parents' medical issues and the children's.

+1000. I can't believe there are people who think otherwise. I'm a mom via donor egg. I know kids who I'm pretty sure were DE-conceived, and I'm friends with their moms. I would never EVER ask these moms how they got their twins. I would love to connect with another mom IRL who had kids via DE, but their right to privacy trumps my desire to connect over this issue. Attempting to "out" someone regarding the circumstances of their kids' conception is rude as hell.

I was asked at a party recently if we did "any of that fertility stuff" to conceive our twins. We did, but I don't particularly think it's anyone's business but our own. I answered, truthfully (though incompletely), that we had a "lot of good nights." It's also true that twins run in my family, but that's not how we got ours.

To all the posters who think it's a totally reasonable question, and people who are uncomfortable answering should let their dukes down--don't you have any friends who have answered truthfully that they used ART, and gotten less-than-positive responses? Certainly people always seem relieved when I allow the implication that my twins were spontaneously conceived, as if that somehow makes them more special.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you should let your dukes down, op, and realize that while you may perceive their question as inappropriate or impolite, their intentions are quite the opposite. They're trying to make conversation and inquire about your life and your children. They're showing an interest. They may express themselves clumsily in doing so, but can we all stop assuming the worst about people from the get-go?

Even if they're just trying to make conversation, it's a totally inappropriate medical question, both about the parents' medical issues and the children's.

OP back. Maybe to clarify - it's not that I'm ashamed at all of how I got to be pregnant. I'm thrilled that these medical options exist for those of us struggling. For me, I'm still very nervous about the pregnancy, and because of the natural higher risks associated with twin pregnancies, I don't imagine that will ease up until I am holding the little ones in my arms. At some point, I might be comfortable talking about things, but at this point, I am firmly committed to being uncomfortable talking about our journey. I don't think it's anyone's business how we got pregnant. I know some people ask just to make conversation, and I am not indicting everyone who asks one of these unwanted questions as being malicious in their intentions. But, I am sensitive to it and do not want to face it. For the great majority of people (PP who is starting her own TTC journey excluded), how I got to be pregnant is completely 100% irrelevant. So, if anyone else has actual answers to these questions, however they are phrased, I'd love to hear. I appreciate the answers so far.

IVFers, if they man made, just say so. No shame in that.

I would never phrase it, "are they natural?" but as someone who is new to the TTC world, I have a friend pregnant with twins and I do want to know solely because I'm interested in hearing other people's story. I won't ask, but do keep in mind that there are some of us who could use the info from someone with fertility stories.

My cousin just has twins, and he's pretty open that they were IVF. I think if you're a success story, it really shouldn't be something to be ashamed of because the more people know about "us" (male infertility included), maybe the more support we'll have for IVF coverage in insurance and whatnot.

Just a thought!