This is common. I think it's hard to move past it before the baby is born because at that point all you have are ideas about the baby which aren't tied into reality. Once you meet the baby it is different. And once they get past babyhood, they become so individual that gender becomes just one trait, not the defining one.

I'm the oldest of four girls. I was a preteen when my mom was pregnant with my youngest sister, so I vividly recall all of the questions about the baby's sex that everyone kept asking my parents. (They chose not to find out -- well, not so much a choice with me, I think no one found out in the late 70s -- but chose with my sisters). "Hoping to finally get a boy?" or some variation on it was the standard question. Lots of comments about how outnumbered my dad was, and how surely HE must be hoping for a boy, even if my mom wasn't.

It made a lasting impression on me that their unwavering response was that all they were hoping for was a healthy baby, and that it did not matter in the least if it was a boy or a girl. My father never gave me any reason to think that he was disappointed in us for not being boys.

I'm pregnant now, and chose not to find out the baby's sex before I ever read any of these threads on "gender disappointment." OP, I would only invest so much energy in trying to understand my husband if he were acting like yours, except to understand how deep his misogyny goes and if I'd made a mistake in marrying him. His behavior is just not okay. Making you feel bad about your pregnancy is not okay. This is 2012, and he needs to grow up.

I am one of three daughters and my dad made it very clear he "always wanted girls". And even if it's not the truth we NEVER felt we had to be something different so he could experience what it was like to have a son or that he was disappointed to not have a son.

I always admired and appreciated that about him.

And one of my sisters knows more about football than 99% of guys

Anonymous wrote:I'm a guy and I have two daughters, and certainly there was some initial disappointment in knowing that I'd never have a son, because I had plenty of stuff I wanted to teach a son about how to be a man, that I thought it took me a long time to learn. But pretty quickly I got past that.

Your husband should be excited to have two healthy children, there are plenty of people who would kill to be in his place.

If it is about having someone to carry on the family name, get over it - on a long enough time horizon no one cares about stuff like that, unless he's in line for succession in the British monarchy, or he's a Kennedy or something.

If he continues to pout and act out (I had a friend who was very upset to have 3 daughters), then maybe you need to have him question his own masculinity. Is he that hung up on the issue? Is he a Pashtun? Can he only be a man if he has sons?

I'm not a sensitive pony-tail man, but actually a former military officer, and conservative - and I know a lot of guys who are or were in various special operations units, and many, many of them only have daughters, and none of them seem to have concerns about if they are real men or not. If it helps your husband you can tell him that studies show that men under high stress are more likely to have daughters (we are the ones who pass along the X or Y gene). Maybe it's his job. If he's religious you can consider that God wanted him to have daughters to raise. I believe that raising daughters in today's society is probably tougher than raising boys because of our toxic, sexualized, and degraded culture. So, maybe his role is to get his daughters through that because he's tough enough to turn out proud women - women who may have future grandsons he can spoil.

Finally, I think guys who have sons who do not grow up to be like them, often experience even greater disappointment. If you have a son who really you are trying to have be a better or improved version of yourself, and he winds up being a man you can't respect, I think that can be devastating to a man.

At the end of the day he will probably be fine, but if he continues to pout tell him to man up and grab his sack. If he had had the son he wanted would he be making his first daughter feel less valued because he finally got the son he wanted? If he is a real man, then he'll be a good father to his offspring regardless of what their gender is.

Yes, this is very interesting. There was a study on fighter pilots, they tend to have girls. There is something about the hyper-masculine, adrenaline seeking type of man that produces more girls, on average.

My grandfather was a night fighter pilot in WWII and Korea, had five girls.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom of two boys. I was also extemely disappointed when I found out that they were boys since I never wanted any boys. I would never say this out loud to anyone, but since this is an anonymous forum, I'll say even now that I really still am deeply sad that I miss out on the experience of having a daughter. Both times I allowed myself to openly cry to my husband for a couple of days after we found out the gender, but then I dropped it. I don't ever complain about it any more or ever let anyone in my family know about it. I think your husband needs to cheer up for the sake of everyone else in the family and you have the right to tell him that his disappointment is hurting you and he needs to be more supportive.

Me too. I am madly in love with my sons now but it was rough when they were still inside me. I still wish I had a daughter but I don't wish my boys away. People can love their children and still wish they had had a different experience. Life is complicated.

I'm a mom of two girls. I have to say, I really didn't care too much before pregnancy what I had and am happy to have the girls, but I think it would be cool to have a grown son. I don't know, just have another guy looking out for you. Sons can sure love their moms!

Thank you (I'm the "Me too" poster). Thanks for saying that. You have no idea how many people say some variation of "Woah, two boys, ugh, your house must be crazy!" when they hear I have two boys. It makes me feel so sad for them, like people think they're "less than." I wanted girls more than I can say, but now when I look at my sons, my good, kind, sweet, thoughtful boys - I feel so much pride and joy. Thanks a lot PP. I'm sure your family is lovely too. We are all so lucky.

I think my husband was scared about having a girl. I think he was scared about how to relate to her. He felt it would be easy to relate to boys, but he was flumoxed about the idea of doing activities with a girl that he had never done (e.g. playing with dolls, dancing, etc.) I am much closer with my dad than my mom so I had no fears for him. Flash forward 10 years later and they have been each other's favorite person from minute one.

My DH felt a little disappointed when we found out #2 was a girl. It went away pretty much the second she was born.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom of two boys. I was also extemely disappointed when I found out that they were boys since I never wanted any boys. I would never say this out loud to anyone, but since this is an anonymous forum, I'll say even now that I really still am deeply sad that I miss out on the experience of having a daughter. Both times I allowed myself to openly cry to my husband for a couple of days after we found out the gender, but then I dropped it. I don't ever complain about it any more or ever let anyone in my family know about it. I think your husband needs to cheer up for the sake of everyone else in the family and you have the right to tell him that his disappointment is hurting you and he needs to be more supportive.

Me too. I am madly in love with my sons now but it was rough when they were still inside me. I still wish I had a daughter but I don't wish my boys away. People can love their children and still wish they had had a different experience. Life is complicated.

I'm a mom of two girls. I have to say, I really didn't care too much before pregnancy what I had and am happy to have the girls, but I think it would be cool to have a grown son. I don't know, just have another guy looking out for you. Sons can sure love their moms!

Anonymous wrote:Mom of two boys. I was also extemely disappointed when I found out that they were boys since I never wanted any boys. I would never say this out loud to anyone, but since this is an anonymous forum, I'll say even now that I really still am deeply sad that I miss out on the experience of having a daughter. Both times I allowed myself to openly cry to my husband for a couple of days after we found out the gender, but then I dropped it. I don't ever complain about it any more or ever let anyone in my family know about it. I think your husband needs to cheer up for the sake of everyone else in the family and you have the right to tell him that his disappointment is hurting you and he needs to be more supportive.

Me too. I am madly in love with my sons now but it was rough when they were still inside me. I still wish I had a daughter but I don't wish my boys away. People can love their children and still wish they had had a different experience. Life is complicated.

I'm a guy and I have two daughters, and certainly there was some initial disappointment in knowing that I'd never have a son, because I had plenty of stuff I wanted to teach a son about how to be a man, that I thought it took me a long time to learn. But pretty quickly I got past that.

Your husband should be excited to have two healthy children, there are plenty of people who would kill to be in his place.

If it is about having someone to carry on the family name, get over it - on a long enough time horizon no one cares about stuff like that, unless he's in line for succession in the British monarchy, or he's a Kennedy or something.

If he continues to pout and act out (I had a friend who was very upset to have 3 daughters), then maybe you need to have him question his own masculinity. Is he that hung up on the issue? Is he a Pashtun? Can he only be a man if he has sons?

I'm not a sensitive pony-tail man, but actually a former military officer, and conservative - and I know a lot of guys who are or were in various special operations units, and many, many of them only have daughters, and none of them seem to have concerns about if they are real men or not. If it helps your husband you can tell him that studies show that men under high stress are more likely to have daughters (we are the ones who pass along the X or Y gene). Maybe it's his job. If he's religious you can consider that God wanted him to have daughters to raise. I believe that raising daughters in today's society is probably tougher than raising boys because of our toxic, sexualized, and degraded culture. So, maybe his role is to get his daughters through that because he's tough enough to turn out proud women - women who may have future grandsons he can spoil.

Finally, I think guys who have sons who do not grow up to be like them, often experience even greater disappointment. If you have a son who really you are trying to have be a better or improved version of yourself, and he winds up being a man you can't respect, I think that can be devastating to a man.

At the end of the day he will probably be fine, but if he continues to pout tell him to man up and grab his sack. If he had had the son he wanted would he be making his first daughter feel less valued because he finally got the son he wanted? If he is a real man, then he'll be a good father to his offspring regardless of what their gender is.

I'm a dad of two girls.

I wasn't "disappointed" ever, but I was a little panicked.

I remember thinking, "I only had brothers. I have no idea how to take care of little girls!" But, you know, I learned, and now I can't imagine caring for boys!

Little girls rock. Love them to pieces. My own, and all of their friends. And I pity the boys whose hearts these girls will break in a few years.

I think you need to understand why he is sad: is he afraid he won't get to play sports with them? Is it the fact his name won't be carried on? I think you need to understand this before you can help him move past.