No one is going to comment on conversate?

Anonymous wrote:Just go get a steak!

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Anonymous wrote:I find that semantics can be important. Communication is aided if you're able to speak with some precision. Sometimes unstated premises on which individuals disagree end up being the real barrier to communication.

+1

I do this to my husband, despite my best efforts not to. I know a lot of my own issues come from an abusive childhood where negative stories were always being told about me and I was treated like the problem whenever I spoke the truth about our family. So, I am overly sensitive to mischaracterizations of, exaggerations, or extrapolations from the things I say. I also have a brain that cannot help noticing details, probably from decades of hypervigilance, and it can be very difficult for me to focus on the substance if there is a lot of other noise in the conversation (poor grammar, sidebars, weak analogies, et cetera).

I suggest that you try to speak directly and only about yourself in conversations and see if that helps. I also recommend trying to understand what's going on for your husband and showing some empathy, expressing some compassion about it in a different conversation. A little outreach like that can go a long way.

Just go get a steak!

I think it can be a person clarifying what you are saying - to understand better -and it can also be a control method - a way to feel superior and belittle you. I do it some for clarification - like he may say "this bugs me" and I will say "it bugs you, do you mean makes you frustrated?". I am really just trying to get more information.

My husband will do a similar annoying thing, and he does it to everyone and everyone gets annoyed.

For instance - when talking about where to go to eat:

me "I don't know where to go for dinner, it all sounds the same, so maybe you have a preference - does a steakhouse sound really good to you or not?"
him "Steak is fine"
me "Yeah, but do you really want it or is it just fine?"
him "Steak is okay"
me "Well, I am on the fence with a steakhouse or anywhere else, so I figured we'd go out for a steak if it sounds really good to you, or somewhere else you want."
him "Steak is fine"
me "Well, okay, I get that is is fine or okay, I am not asking you that. I am asking whether it sounds good vs. you just being willing to eat it"
him "I said steak is okay"
me "Look, nothing sounds that great to me, so I want go somewhere you really want. If we are going to spend money on steak we should only go if it really sounds good. I am just trying to find out if you really want it because the way you are coming across is that it is just acceptable. I am just trying to get more information on your thoughts".
him "yes steak actuallly sounds good"

WTF? Honestly, there are times we stay home because I don't want to go to the trouble. Or he starts that and I stop after two tries and just pick something. It is like he wants to play a game of giving very little information, and having me (or others) chase him down and beg for the information...

It's hard not to zero in on semantics when DW makes broad complaints using words like "always" and "never." But after 20 years, I've learned to try to listen to what she is saying - her general complaint - and to try to address that. Later, after the dust has settled and If it's still on my mind and bothering me, I might mention that her sweeping claim about me was wrong.

Intellectualization. The weak (wo) man's diversion. Cure: divorce the ah.

Anonymous wrote:Seems to me that irritating men more often do that play with words, while irritating women more often pout & say "nothing" when asked what is wrong. Both are like spoiled children.

Yeah, truth to this. DW here and I know I have some annoying communication habits I'm working on. What bothers me about DH is that is way of communicating...it's like he sees it as if he says something, or does something, and I take it one way, it's the wrong way. While this may be the case, it's like he is viewing communication as him controlling or owning the message, not taking into account that the reciever has some say. Might I be over-reacting sometimes? Yep. But that's almost not the point. In communicating this way he is saying his message being "right" is more important than my feelings etc.

I picture it as him throwing a football to me, and if I catch it, great, we are communicating well. If he throws it perfectly and I miss, okay that's my bad. But if he throws it 10 feet away and I scramble to catch it and miss, it's still my fault becasue I should have been there to catch it. His throwing is always "right." And the cliche, "You can be right or you can be married" is spot-on because over the years I have felt like his being right is more important than what I have to say or how I feel. It's a control thing.

It's hard for men and women because we really do have different communication styles. In therapy we are learning some tools to manage this since we both have work to do. I have to learn that not everything is personal. Working on that.

Seems to me that irritating men more often do that play with words, while irritating women more often pout & say "nothing" when asked what is wrong. Both are like spoiled children.

Some people are micro thinkers and some are macro thinkers.

Some need to start small to understand the overall... others get the big picture and details are lost on them.

Other people really are just trying to create bunny trails in the details and deflect so as not to have to actually communicate.

It could be any of these.

Understanding what exactly someone is talking about is REALLY important and often that lies in the semantics. It took DH and myself years to figure out that "cleaning up" meant two very different things to us. He tidies and organizes and I actually wipe down surfaces and clean up dirt. This is just to illustrate that precision can be really helpful in resolving disputes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dh says "You NEVER do such and such!" And I get caught up in arguing that actually on occasion I do do such and such. I hate these blanket statements, especially coming from someone who normally prides himself on precision in language. But when he gets angry, he gets very insecure and gets white hot angry. It's useless to quibble over the accuracy of words with him when he gets like that.

The word "never" nearly ruined my marriage. It just leads to trying to justify that "never" isn't true, which leads to comparing what one person does versus the other.

As to semantics, I sometime try very hard to nail DH down on what he really means, because he is very loose with his language, as am I somtimes. Once I learned to understand that he wasn't criticize what I said, but was trying to have a deeper understanding of what I was saying, things loosened up. I also learned to ask him what he meant when he was being imprecise and echoing back what he had said in my own words until we came to an understanding.

Just a thought.

I learned in marriage therapy, the use of the phrase, "You never...!" or "You always..." means you are in a regressive state. Not surprised it nearly ruined someone's marriage. Communcating like that means that you are not talking about the issue at hand, but that you are talking not only about a bunch of past resentments between the two of you, but many incidents in your past/from childhood that are being called up when you are in a fight with your partner, that have a lot of baggage way outside the issue at hand or your partner.

Recognizing that was huge for us.

I would say the issue is not really one of semantics. It's more a question of the words and phrases you might be using in your conversation.

I hate it when the word choices convey a vague miasma of discontent. So, sometimes, I focus on specifics in the hopes of determining what can be fixed and what simply has to be endured.

the other semantic difference that really matters to many, as a PP pointed out, are words that imply a trait versus a state.
for instance, being angry can imply being an angry person--a trait whereas being upset has more of a state-like connotation.