Lots of different ideas here. When my son, who has developmental delays (possibly Asperger's, maybe ADHD, maybe both) in the social arena, a few school tips have helped a great deal.

1) At school, the guidance counselor taught them how to use an "I" message when someone does something you do not like. For example "I did not like it when you hit me, hitting hurts" or "I was playing with that doll, you can have a turn after me". I use this tip at home ALL the time now. When my kids (ages 5, 6 and 10) are screaming at each other about something, I will tell them "Use an "I message".

This technique might take a while with 4 year olds, but the idea is to teach a child how to react to a bully.

2) Before a playdate, I will prepare my DS. Our issue is with DS wanting to control what is played at all times. So, for example, I might say to him "What will you do if x does not want to play Dinosaurs?" We will then brainstorm other ideas, so that DS has them at the ready, instead of being fixated on the one idea he had of how to play.

With regard to intervening, I find that especially when a relationship is new, I try to let my children find their own way a bit, before jumping in, to let them get to know each other. I think too much adult involvement can backfire, and have the child more interested in playing with a parent. (we've had the same issue with them wanting to play with DS's more flexible siblings"

like the short idea playdate for new friends. no more than 75 min for 4 year olds. And 45 minutes to an hour is probably perfect.

As for asking the parents. Write or call to them a few days before asking them to come visit (stop in) for fifteen minutes at the start you would love to get to know them. Or just ask if they could join you for the first half of the playdate for coffee and snack.

I disagree that having the parents over makes it harder to supervise.

Keep the playdate shorter, like 30-45 minutes. You lead activities and provide instruction. Play a game for all three of you, bring out craft stuff & do together. It will be good for your daughter to see how you react. Children with social issues need someone to copy and you want it to be you & not the other girl. By leading both children through the playdate they will both learn a lot.

I would perhaps give it another shot, but would structure the experience to be successful. First, i would do it at a park outdoors if possible. Most kids understand that a park is for everyone. Second, I would bring something that is a good do at your own pace toy like sidewalk chalk. You can do something fun like write the kids names, or draw a hopscotch, or just all sit down. One thing i do at a park, is play a fun game with my child and the natural fun draws other kids in - but it has to be something that encourages cooperative play like "chase mommy" or some other simple activity where the kids are not directly competing with each other but get more of your attention if they cooperate. In other words, build in natural incentives to cooperative behavior.

That said, I would not invest in this kiddo, but would rather use it as an opportunity to see if you can figure out simple ways to create a positive environment. Becuase while you hope to find a better playmate, as your child blossoms, you will be having more weekend social interactions, and it never hurts to start learning little tricks that can help. You can learn how to set expectations in a low key manner so that creating a good environment for play becomes second nature. That does not mean you take over - but you get them into the grove of appropriate play and then back away once they get the rhymm down.

Also, as prior posters said, use good language. Sometimes, at the start of playdates, i just articulate the rules and ask both kids to sign on board - make good choices, say please and thank you, hands and feet to yourself, share x/y/z. Four is little and some kids need clear expectations set at the beginning. if you set expectations and the child does not self correct when you remind her - gently "remember, we share the swing" - you can simply end the playdate early. Another good term is to say - "if you are not sharing, you are telling me you are not ready to have this playdate. and taht is ok, sometimes we are not ready and need more time at home." And don't feel bad about telling the other parents in a kind way - just say - "susie was having a hard time sharing, so that was telling me that she was not ready for the playdate today."

good luck.

It sounds from what you wrote that both you and your DD were overly invested in the playdate, a problem stemming from too few social opportunities. I would prioritize increasing the pool of kids and moms you all have to socialize, this will both normalize and take the pressure off of individual friendships as well as give you both more experience and comfort with playdates. Doing this through choice of neighborhood/living situation is great if possible.

The best thing at a young age (IMO) is to live where many spontaneous interactions can take place in a neutral space (playgrounds, sidewalks, courtyards). At an older age, proximity to others is important but having many interests and activities overlapping builds community, trust, and comfort. Kids knowing each other over time through pool, sports, school, church, neighborhoods, art/music class, scouts, etc.

Above all, success in these realms takes time, patience, a light hand, luck, and a setting that facilitates interactions.

just wanted to say that there are few things more exhausting than supervising a playdate with a socially-challenged dc.