psychologist here: these are big red flags, but you knew that OP. Everything about your post says you knew that. I believe that in the example you gave you are being more lenient in your analysis because he was covering for you...as you had to go to a funeral. OP: you had to go to a funeral. Don't factor that in. He is not 'covering for you", he is watching HIS OWN CHILDREN. Analyze the situation with those factors and feelings straight, and you will come out with the obvious analysis: this went too far. I am concerned that he does more when others aren't watching, if he is acting this way while his in-law's are. You would do very well to bring this up, schedule that talk, say "Honey, I have some concerns about your parenting. For example, I want to talk about the x, y, z episode this sunday after kids go to bed. I want to find some middle ground here." Don't ambush him (he will get defensive and you will get nowhere) and don't talk for more than an hour..just get the topic going, and then :sked" the next one.

And if you need a little extra motivation, I suggest to you that you would NEVER hire a babysitter who did this....there's your validation that something is amiss....

You can change the direction of this course, but you have got to get on it, and don't back down. good luck...

PP here. And OP, you said that your husband thinks you're "defying" him when you parent differently. That makes him sound controlling and like he takes things personally that he should not. Does he expect you to fall in line with what he dictates rather than compromise together to reach the same page?

Sounds like he's got unrealistic expectations. Kids aren't mini adults. He could start reading books about parenting, and also child development and perhaps anger management. I've heard good things about PEP classes. FWIW, I grew up afraid of my dad's temper flare-ups and it wrecked our relationship; we haven't spoken for 20 years. If your husband wants the kids to love him, not fear him, he'll take a step back and think about making some changes. In a way it's easier to bully and be overly strict than to try to be patient and empathize with the irrational small child; he needs to do some work toward changing his dynamic.

The only really worrying part to me is the force feeding.

He also needs to be more supportive of you. My DH and I sometimes struggle with this, but ultimately
We know the best thing for the kids is that we support each other.

NP here. My child is 2.5 and I sincerely don't understand how one can force feed him. He would yell and say no nd shut his mouth etc. he would also never agree to have more if there is still food in his mouth.
So maybe he just made her sit and fork-fed her, not force fed?

Social worker here. Big red flags on your DH. He is completely unrealistic and controlling in his expectations of your children. This is not good.

Also, it sounds like you are making excuses and justifying his negative behavior and becoming overly defensive when he is criticized by your parents or other posters. Get counseling. He doesn't have to go. You could just go.

Yeah OP I am the harsher parent, and by harsher, I mean that I am very, very routine and expectation-driven.

I have RARELY spanked my kids - once with #1 when he bolted into the street at age 2.5, and a couple times with #2 when he was testing limits incessantly (but it wasn't hard).

I would never, ever, EVER force feed them or demand that they don't acknowledge a loved family member when they enter a room.

Your DH has issues and I agree with PPs that you should NOT leave him alone with your children. Red flags all around. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER.

Anonymous wrote:How have you dealt with this conflict so far? I would find it incredibly hard to parent with someone who had an harsh authoritarian attitude. That said, if he thinks he's right and you think you're right, and neither of you wants to change, that is a really difficult place from which to negotiate. What if you were a little sneaky and said, "I know you have issues with the way I parent, I'd like to take a class so I can learn more effective techniques, but I want to do it together so we are both on the same page?" I don't know of any mainstream parenting class that would advocate the kind of discipline techniques he is using, so maybe he would come around? Tough situation.

I found myself thinking on the same lines as this response. Your issue, after all, OP, is not JUST that he is much stricter than you-- it is that he criticizes you for being too lax. And I have noticed with my own parents, with me and my husband, and with others, too, that sometimes a very poor dynamic is set up when parents are not on the same "supportive" page for each other's parenting-- you don't both have to discipline your kids in the exact same way, but sometimes a parent who thinks the other is too permissive will react by becoming overly strict, and a parent who worries the other is too strict will become overly permissive in reaction. Does this make any sense at all? Could you sit down and try to talk to your husband about finding a comfortable middle ground?

Of course, if you really think he is out of control and cannot change what he is doing in the stress of the moment, that is a big concern, and I'd encourage him to do whatever it takes to find enough relaxation/happiness in his life to get beyond that-- therapy, regular exercise, whatever. That is totally different than disciplining; it is the exact opposite, since it is repeatedly demonstrating a total lack of self-control and self-discipline when the going gets tough.

Anonymous wrote:Op, I dont know maybe I'm missing something. But I dont think this is a huge problem like others have said...basically pack up and leave. I think that only you know if its a dangerous situation or not. I think that we all loose our cool every now and then. Your DH seems to just expect too much from your LOs, just keep reminding him they are only toddlers and to lower his expectations. I dont know if you are planning on having more kids but that IS something I would think twice about.

If she leaves her husband he will most likely get visitation meaning he will still be treating their children this way.

Op, I think your husband could definitely benefit from both counseling and classes/books on child development. It really sounds like he is ill informed when it comes to what to expect and not expect from small children. If he has ever been either physically abusive or verbally abusive to you, that would probably signify something more serious...not saying you should definitely up and leave him but the problem is probably more severe than just expecting too much from the kids.

I wouldn't tell him about what your parents said. But if you are close with your mom don't feel bad about talking with her about how you agree with her. I don't think she's out of line in expressing her opinion.

I fight this in myself, but if I fight it more successfully than your husband. I don't think what he's doing is right, stress or no stress. If he doesn't admit he has a problem and figure out a plan to work on it, then yes, I would remove the children from his care as much as possible. I didn't know I would feel the rage and anger I feel sometimes, and he may be shocked by it too. But he has a responsibility to improve. Force-feeding a child is really wrong. And honestly, my first instinct was: if this is what he feels okay doing in front of your parents, what is he doing when nobody is watching??

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am embarrassed to admit this, but your DH sounds a little like me sometimes. I am very loving and affectionate under normal circumstances, and am not strict with the kids at all..but if I lose my cool, I have been abusive, and I have done things on par with the food-forcing that you describe. (For example, I have, more than once, handled my toddler roughly - even once pulling her by the hair). I feel horrible, and immense guilt, and I am working hard on this. It's a product of my shitty parents, I feel. I am in counseling for this. This is what I would recommend for your DH, at the very least. Good luck.

I am not the OP. But wanted to say thank you for being honest and giving helpful advice. I have a few friends who handle their children like this and I really wish they could get to the point of accepting they need some kind of help.

Op, I dont know maybe I'm missing something. But I dont think this is a huge problem like others have said...basically pack up and leave. I think that only you know if its a dangerous situation or not. I think that we all loose our cool every now and then. Your DH seems to just expect too much from your LOs, just keep reminding him they are only toddlers and to lower his expectations. I dont know if you are planning on having more kids but that IS something I would think twice about.

How have you dealt with this conflict so far? I would find it incredibly hard to parent with someone who had an harsh authoritarian attitude. That said, if he thinks he's right and you think you're right, and neither of you wants to change, that is a really difficult place from which to negotiate. What if you were a little sneaky and said, "I know you have issues with the way I parent, I'd like to take a class so I can learn more effective techniques, but I want to do it together so we are both on the same page?" I don't know of any mainstream parenting class that would advocate the kind of discipline techniques he is using, so maybe he would come around? Tough situation.

I work FT in a well paying field in which I have a post-graduate degree.

^^agree. Sounds like my dad, too. And i fight it in myself.