Anonymous
Post 09/14/2012 15:09     Subject: 9yo DD left off invitation WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:
I just know in our culture, you either invite the whole nuclear family or none of them to a similar event. I didn't realize it was often for kids only and not adults.


I'm Jewish and what your neighbors have done is definitely consisted with my experience. Many is the night I stayed home with a sittrr while my older bro and parents went to bar/bat mitzvahs, and many is the night I later babysat for other younger kids in the same situation. The bar/bat mitzvah is a ritual of the child becoming an adult, and it is often considered an event for adults (literal and religious adults). Younger children are not going to understand the ceremony or even want to sit through it. They are often left off the guest list for those reasons and also because these events are NOT cheap and if they started inviting everyone's siblings it would get very insane very fast, and certainly change the tone of the event.

There will be many families at this event with an older child but not a younger child. If you feel you can't respectfully share the occasion because it differs from your cultural norms, then by all means skip it. But I think that would be a bummer as these are your friends and it's a big event for them.


This. Exactly this.

It would be incredibly poor form for you to ask the neighbor about it, so you have four options: 1. The three invited go, find a sitter for your daughter; 2. You and son go, husband stays home with daughter; 3. You send son with someone else (I don't recommend this); 4. None of you go (which would suck).
Anonymous
Post 09/14/2012 15:07     Subject: 9yo DD left off invitation WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:I agree that it's poor form to invite a whole family except one child. It's just.... unkind. However if you like these people, I would take my son and leave my husband home with my daughter as others suggested.

But if you get there and there are other 9 YO girls in attendance? I'd be pissed. Probably wouldn't get over that.


We did this for my son's BM. We invited many neighbors and not their kids. If we invited every neighbor's kid, it would have been an extra 30 kids. At $100 a pop, I wasn't going to spend an extra $3,000 on kids that my son wasn't friends with and had no interest in having there. It was his day and the friends that he wanted there were the only ones invited except for his cousin's. So even if there is another 9 year old that may be a close family friend or cousin. When our son's friends had their's, our younger DC wasn't invited either. We never took at as "poor form"or an insult" That's what the kid and the parents wanted.

Not every parent was invited either. Only the ones we were good friends with and knew my son well.

It is not just a birthday party but a very special celebration that each family decides how they want to celebrate. A backyard barbecue is one thing, a catered very expensive event is something else entirely.

Anonymous
Post 09/14/2012 15:05     Subject: 9yo DD left off invitation WWYD?
OP here, appreciate the advice. I was just surprised because we are more than "hey, how's it going?" neighbors. The boys are together most weekends, the kid practically lives at my house when the pool is open. He's smaller than DS so I give them all of DS nicer stuff, we house sit and pet sit for each other, we have keys to each other's houses, give each other rides, I supported both boy's Bar Mitzvah projects, support the kid's school fundraisers, etc. I just assumed that DD was part of the mix. I guess I'll leave her home with DH, he'll refuse to go without her anyway.
Anonymous
Post 09/14/2012 15:05     Subject: 9yo DD left off invitation WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:I would probably just RSVP for you and DS, and explain that DH needs to stay home with DD. That will give them the opportunity to invite DD. If they are silent, then you have your answer.


Yes, this.

And I hate "we can't invite everyone because it would be too expensive" is a terrible explanation. You have a choice to have a simpler event (wedding, bar mitzvah, whatever) and invite more people. You choose to pass. Fine. But it's not as though this decision was forced on you. Own it.

I'm also puzzled by the PP's suggestion that a 9YO can't appreciate the significance of the event. Really? Magically, at 13, they can, but before that it's just a mysterious haze?
Anonymous
Post 09/14/2012 15:03     Subject: 9yo DD left off invitation WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:It's basically a birthday where the son invited his friends. Your little daughter isn't a friend. Explain that to her; no big deal. She can invite who she wants to her parties too.

I'd probably try to make a family (daughter included) appearance at the door, drop the son off and run if that's ok. He's certainly old enough.


No it's not. Not when both parents are invited too. I'm sorry, but I maintain that you don't invite three out of four members of a family. That is so unbelievably rude.
Anonymous
Post 09/14/2012 14:59     Subject: 9yo DD left off invitation WWYD?
It's basically a birthday where the son invited his friends. Your little daughter isn't a friend. Explain that to her; no big deal. She can invite who she wants to her parties too.

I'd probably try to make a family (daughter included) appearance at the door, drop the son off and run if that's ok. He's certainly old enough.
Anonymous
Post 09/14/2012 14:56     Subject: 9yo DD left off invitation WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think you can ask whether it was intentional (it's totally possible that they just recycled addresses from the older son's bar mitzvah when your dd was 2). But when asking, I would assure her that you were just wondering and would totally understand if they were not including younger children at the event.

If it was intentional, I still have to agree with 14:28.

OP here, this did cross my mind. What you said to mention sounds reasonable.
We're not Jewish so I'm not familiar with the customs and norms.
The only Bar Mitzvah I've ever attended in my life was the older son's.
I just know in our culture, you either invite the whole nuclear family or none of them to a similar event. I didn't realize it was often for kids only and not adults.


I'm Jewish and what your neighbors have done is definitely consisted with my experience. Many is the night I stayed home with a sittrr while my older bro and parents went to bar/bat mitzvahs, and many is the night I later babysat for other younger kids in the same situation. The bar/bat mitzvah is a ritual of the child becoming an adult, and it is often considered an event for adults (literal and religious adults). Younger children are not going to understand the ceremony or even want to sit through it. They are often left off the guest list for those reasons and also because these events are NOT cheap and if they started inviting everyone's siblings it would get very insane very fast, and certainly change the tone of the event.

There will be many families at this event with an older child but not a younger child. If you feel you can't respectfully share the occasion because it differs from your cultural norms, then by all means skip it. But I think that would be a bummer as these are your friends and it's a big event for them.


That's true, but they are not the next door neighbor. This is really setting up an awkward situation.
Anonymous
Post 09/14/2012 14:52     Subject: 9yo DD left off invitation WWYD?
I agree that it's poor form to invite a whole family except one child. It's just.... unkind. However if you like these people, I would take my son and leave my husband home with my daughter as others suggested.

But if you get there and there are other 9 YO girls in attendance? I'd be pissed. Probably wouldn't get over that.
Anonymous
Post 09/14/2012 14:50     Subject: 9yo DD left off invitation WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think you can ask whether it was intentional (it's totally possible that they just recycled addresses from the older son's bar mitzvah when your dd was 2). But when asking, I would assure her that you were just wondering and would totally understand if they were not including younger children at the event.

If it was intentional, I still have to agree with 14:28.

OP here, this did cross my mind. What you said to mention sounds reasonable.
We're not Jewish so I'm not familiar with the customs and norms.
The only Bar Mitzvah I've ever attended in my life was the older son's.
I just know in our culture, you either invite the whole nuclear family or none of them to a similar event. I didn't realize it was often for kids only and not adults.


I'm Jewish and what your neighbors have done is definitely consisted with my experience. Many is the night I stayed home with a sittrr while my older bro and parents went to bar/bat mitzvahs, and many is the night I later babysat for other younger kids in the same situation. The bar/bat mitzvah is a ritual of the child becoming an adult, and it is often considered an event for adults (literal and religious adults). Younger children are not going to understand the ceremony or even want to sit through it. They are often left off the guest list for those reasons and also because these events are NOT cheap and if they started inviting everyone's siblings it would get very insane very fast, and certainly change the tone of the event.

There will be many families at this event with an older child but not a younger child. If you feel you can't respectfully share the occasion because it differs from your cultural norms, then by all means skip it. But I think that would be a bummer as these are your friends and it's a big event for them.
Anonymous
Post 09/14/2012 14:49     Subject: 9yo DD left off invitation WWYD?
Just RSVP for your DS. If he's the same age as the bar mitzvah boy, it will be totally fine for him to be there without you. No need for a parent to accompany him.
Anonymous
Post 09/14/2012 14:48     Subject: 9yo DD left off invitation WWYD?
I would probably just RSVP for you and DS, and explain that DH needs to stay home with DD. That will give them the opportunity to invite DD. If they are silent, then you have your answer.
Anonymous
Post 09/14/2012 14:47     Subject: 9yo DD left off invitation WWYD?
OP, please don't call or email this neighbor and ask if it was an oversight that your daughter wasn't invited. I am sure it was not. The "receptions" after bar/bat mitzvahs are frequently as expensive to put on as wedding receptions. I am sure every guest counted on their list. Just one of you should go and the other should stay home with your daughter. When I attended these in middle school, I usually got dropped off and sat with other school friends during the service, then there was a shuttle or something to take all of the kids to wherever the reception was. The only time my parents went was when they were good friends with the girl's parents as well.
Anonymous
Post 09/14/2012 14:47     Subject: 9yo DD left off invitation WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:Bar mitzvah receptions are REALLY expensive. So the bar mizvah boy may have friends from school, camp, hebrew school, cousins, neighborhood, soccer, etc. it may have been too many people to fit in the location or to stay in budget.

Send your son with a gift. Be gracious. Break the bad news to your DD. Sorry.



Bar Mitzvahs and weddings are as expensive as people allow them to be. Expenses are completely within your control.
Anonymous
Post 09/14/2012 14:47     Subject: Re:9yo DD left off invitation WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:I think it is poor form to invite a entire family except for one child. Yes, you can justify it that the older boy is friends of the Bar Mitzvah and the parents are friends of the couple. But any way you slice it, you are excluding a single member of the family. And that's just tasteless in my book.


I totally agree with this. This HAS to be a mistake, and when you say "only x of us can come because Jane wasn't invited" they'll realize their mistake. Surely????
Anonymous
Post 09/14/2012 14:45     Subject: 9yo DD left off invitation WWYD?
Bar mitzvah receptions are REALLY expensive. So the bar mizvah boy may have friends from school, camp, hebrew school, cousins, neighborhood, soccer, etc. it may have been too many people to fit in the location or to stay in budget.

Send your son with a gift. Be gracious. Break the bad news to your DD. Sorry.