Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I told him that I was hoping he would admit what he did so that we could deal with it and start fresh. However, I can't prove he took it so I'm going to have to accept his explanation. However, the money that is missing was money budgeted for back to school clothing, and since it's gone I can't buy him the jeans he wanted for school.

I'm trying to implement logical consequences but I don't think I can legitimately punish him for something I only suspect.

I do think I need to get back on track regarding limits for him, and work on de-emphasizing the expensive items. He worked hard for the money he did earn, and it made sense to me for him to spend it as he wanted (and we're talking Air Jordan sneakers here).

THanks for all the advice, PPs.

I think that makes sense, and he should understand and accept it whether he took the money or not. I assume he did, in which case he understands why you can't get the jeans, and knows it's his fault and he essentially got the sneakers instead. If he didn't take it, then he still understands that $30 is a lot of money, and that you budget for things, and sometimes budgets or plans fall through and you have to deal with it.

I also agree that if he truly earned the money (minus the $30 of course), he should be able to spend it as he wants provided it doesn't
negatively impact your values or the lives of anyone else in the house (TV in his room when the family policy is only one TV, for example), or isn't illegal (drugs). If, two months later, he realizes that the Air Jordans were dumb because they're just sneakers and he will quickly
outgrow them, then he's learned something. If he still likes them, then he spent his money well.

NP here - this is great advice!!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop it NOW! Sit him down, make a plan for how he will work off the money he stole. This is not a court of law, if you think he stole it, punish him. You don't need a confession.

I say this becausde teaching kids that stealing is wrong is importent-I was in a similar situation a five years ago when I found my then-12 Y.O had taken around $20 from my purse and used it to buy a video game. We gave him what was a slap on the wrist and let it go as normal pushing of boundaries.

About a year later we found out (through our credit card statement) that he had guessed my husband's password to Itunes and had spent nearly $350 bucks in music. Having to call the police and report that your 13 Y.O son just stole a lot of money from you is incredibly embarrassing as parents, then having to go through the process of the 'investigation' (luckily son confessed and in the end got a fine and a lot of community service) was tiring. Plus the fact that we will probably never be able to trust our son again, even now that he is out of our house and (essentially) out of our lives.

Wow, I feel sorry for your son. You're glad he's out of your life?? He probably is too.

Yeah, we are actually glad. We feel kind of bad about it, but we also have two younger kids and the last thing we want is for them to have him as a role model. The reason he is out of our life is not just that, that was just the beginning. He started abusing alcohol and drugs, cocaine, pot, whatever he could get his hands on. He began shoplifting and other criminal acts, and I have no doubt he is on the fast track to jail. When he turned 17 (about 6 months ago) he moved in (with our permission) to a 19 YO friend's apartment in SE and we only hear from him now when he calls drunk off his ass asking for drug money. So yeah, we are happy that he is no longer living with us.

Anonymous wrote:Stop it NOW! Sit him down, make a plan for how he will work off the money he stole. This is not a court of law, if you think he stole it, punish him. You don't need a confession.

I say this becausde teaching kids that stealing is wrong is importent-I was in a similar situation a five years ago when I found my then-12 Y.O had taken around $20 from my purse and used it to buy a video game. We gave him what was a slap on the wrist and let it go as normal pushing of boundaries.

About a year later we found out (through our credit card statement) that he had guessed my husband's password to Itunes and had spent nearly $350 bucks in music. Having to call the police and report that your 13 Y.O son just stole a lot of money from you is incredibly embarrassing as parents, then having to go through the process of the 'investigation' (luckily son confessed and in the end got a fine and a lot of community service) was tiring. Plus the fact that we will probably never be able to trust our son again, even now that he is out of our house and (essentially) out of our lives.

Wow, I feel sorry for your son. You're glad he's out of your life?? He probably is too.

Stop it NOW! Sit him down, make a plan for how he will work off the money he stole. This is not a court of law, if you think he stole it, punish him. You don't need a confession.

I say this becausde teaching kids that stealing is wrong is importent-I was in a similar situation a five years ago when I found my then-12 Y.O had taken around $20 from my purse and used it to buy a video game. We gave him what was a slap on the wrist and let it go as normal pushing of boundaries.

About a year later we found out (through our credit card statement) that he had guessed my husband's password to Itunes and had spent nearly $350 bucks in music. Having to call the police and report that your 13 Y.O son just stole a lot of money from you is incredibly embarrassing as parents, then having to go through the process of the 'investigation' (luckily son confessed and in the end got a fine and a lot of community service) was tiring. Plus the fact that we will probably never be able to trust our son again, even now that he is out of our house and (essentially) out of our lives.

THanks PP for that very thoughtful post. Very good advice.

OP, I have thought about this for five days. I am a reformed thief. I stole rarely from stores, and often from people - family and friends, at school, home, relatives' homes, friends' homes.

When my DD was 7, we were house-sitting and on our way out, DD was complaining her backpack hurt and was poking her in the back, but didn't want me to rearrange the stuff to make it hurt less. I urged, and she broke down crying, almost screaming, begging, that I not open her backpack. My heart sank as I wondered if she'd taken something and I was so hesitant to ask. "Did you take something you shouldn't have from the house and stick it in your backpack? If you did, now is the time to say something so we can go put it back." She seemed confused by my question and said no, so I let it go, feeling terrible for thinking she might steal, yet also wondering if she did. Later in the day, I had DH ask her what happened in the morning. All she could say was that she was tired, she didn't know. He looked through her backpack carefully. She hadn't stolen anything. Her American Girl Doll had been poking her in the back. I felt terrible for suspecting she might have stolen.

I think accusing someone of something so big without proof is a very big deal. You're not sure, and he denies. So you have to let it go, IMO. However, I think you should keep better track of your money (not that you don't keep good track of it now, but in light of your son's potential thieving ways), and keep your wallet on your person or hidden in your bedroom/office when home. If you catch him, understand that it is kind of age-appropriate, but still something to address and punish for. More important than punishing is talking. Talking about violating someone's space, about them being able to trust him, what happens to adults who steal, what he'll do when he's a father and his child steals from him, etc. Multiple, long talks where he contributes.

Anonymous wrote:

OP if your son is old enough to work, then he is old enough to learn some money management strategies and a parent (or parents) are the one to teach a teen. He needs to open a savings account with a parent co-signer and to discuss with you an agreed percentage of each paycheck whether in cash or check that will be deposited in savings. If he is used to expensive things already, it is going to take some retraining that "wants" are not always "needs" and there needs to be priorities set. You may have the money now for expensive things, but he most likely will not always have the money and you do not want to lead him down the path where if easy cash is not at hand, there is always the easy plastic.

I do hope he has responsibilities at home for which he is not paid but expected to just do weekly. If he does not have a regular part-time job, then it would also be good to sit him down and come make a up a list of what you do cover as a family for him, what weekly amount (best to start there instead of monthly) amount you will provide and what it is to cover. It does not need to be down to the dollar, but not so extravagant that it can be blown. The idea is to start giving him a weekly sum that he has to learn to budget. For a special "want, " you might come up with some tasks in the home or yard which he could do for a certain amount to put in savings to apply towards it. Also, saving should never be directed at just one big purchase.

There are two issues which you have to think about long term to deal with - lying is one, but sneakiness is the other .........

\

Thanks PP, we do all these things. It was unusual for him to have several outside jobs in a row so he had a lot of cash, though. He gets a regular allowance through which he pays for certain things, and then he pays for his cell phone through an extra chore. I am thinking of opening him one of USAA's teen accounts, though, so he can stash his money there and we can all see how much he has.

OP, a lot of good suggestions here. I will share an experience which still haunts me: I had a friend who stole $10 from his dad. He denied it when his dad asked him. His dad knew, but seemed at a loss. Then his dad gave him a week to 'fess up. Friend still denied at end of week, so dad "pardoned" him. For friend, it was a green light and never looked back. Maybe he was would've always had trouble, but this tactic did him no good.

OP if your son is old enough to work, then he is old enough to learn some money management strategies and a parent (or parents) are the one to teach a teen. He needs to open a savings account with a parent co-signer and to discuss with you an agreed percentage of each paycheck whether in cash or check that will be deposited in savings. If he is used to expensive things already, it is going to take some retraining that "wants" are not always "needs" and there needs to be priorities set. You may have the money now for expensive things, but he most likely will not always have the money and you do not want to lead him down the path where if easy cash is not at hand, there is always the easy plastic.

I do hope he has responsibilities at home for which he is not paid but expected to just do weekly. If he does not have a regular part-time job, then it would also be good to sit him down and come make a up a list of what you do cover as a family for him, what weekly amount (best to start there instead of monthly) amount you will provide and what it is to cover. It does not need to be down to the dollar, but not so extravagant that it can be blown. The idea is to start giving him a weekly sum that he has to learn to budget. For a special "want, " you might come up with some tasks in the home or yard which he could do for a certain amount to put in savings to apply towards it. Also, saving should never be directed at just one big purchase.

There are two issues which you have to think about long term to deal with - lying is one, but sneakiness is the other .........

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I told him that I was hoping he would admit what he did so that we could deal with it and start fresh. However, I can't prove he took it so I'm going to have to accept his explanation. However, the money that is missing was money budgeted for back to school clothing, and since it's gone I can't buy him the jeans he wanted for school.

I'm trying to implement logical consequences but I don't think I can legitimately punish him for something I only suspect.

I do think I need to get back on track regarding limits for him, and work on de-emphasizing the expensive items. He worked hard for the money he did earn, and it made sense to me for him to spend it as he wanted (and we're talking Air Jordan sneakers here).

THanks for all the advice, PPs.

I think that makes sense, and he should understand and accept it whether he took the money or not. I assume he did, in which case he understands why you can't get the jeans, and knows it's his fault and he essentially got the sneakers instead. If he didn't take it, then he still understands that $30 is a lot of money, and that you budget for things, and sometimes budgets or plans fall through and you have to deal with it.

I also agree that if he truly earned the money (minus the $30 of course), he should be able to spend it as he wants provided it doesn't negatively impact your values or the lives of anyone else in the house (TV in his room when the family policy is only one TV, for example), or isn't illegal (drugs). If, two months later, he realizes that the Air Jordans were dumb because they're just sneakers and he will quickly outgrow them, then he's learned something. If he still likes them, then he spent his money well.