Anonymous wrote:As the person who's been labeled the problem in my family and "difficult to raise" I absolutely minimize contact with my parents. They live in a fantasy world where I am always in the wrong because I don't play along and I'm not interested in that kind of b.s. as an adult. I had no choice as a kid, but I'm done. Maybe your daughter is done, too.

You should definitely talk to a therapist, but I'm guessing you'll bail when you start hearing stuff other than what you want to.

this. children who are identified as the "problem" in the family are usually just symptom bearers for the family's dysfunction. Because you decide to not play along and don't follow the family "rules" you get scapegoated.

In my case, I was "supposed" to sit back and be quiet and watch as my family does one hurtful thing after another. nope, no more. boundaries are so important.. And I feel the same way, I only had them for support when I was a kid. When I got married the sh*t surely hit the fan because I knew I had my own family now.

As the person who's been labeled the problem in my family and "difficult to raise" I absolutely minimize contact with my parents. They live in a fantasy world where I am always in the wrong because I don't play along and I'm not interested in that kind of b.s. as an adult. I had no choice as a kid, but I'm done. Maybe your daughter is done, too.

You should definitely talk to a therapist, but I'm guessing you'll bail when you start hearing stuff other than what you want to.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A parent's love for their children is unconditional, yes. Not, however, when those children are adults. At that point, the kids and parents are equal and love must be earned on both sides.

If you want your mom to treat you as an equal, then you have to quit already with the childish rehashing of things that aren't fair or weren't fair when you were growing up. I doubt that any mom sat there thinking up ways to make their kids lives miserable: most of them did what you are now doing with your kids---the best you can with what you have at the time and where you are right then.

Actually, I have a great mother/daughter relationship, but anyone can squirt a baby out. I also doubt that many mothers spend time trying to make their kids lives miserable, but there are pleanty of selfish, neglectful, narcissistic parents out there. The intent does not matter.

Also, narcissism is commonly seen with mental disorders or illness (such as BPD or alcoholism). You can't have a fair, equitable relationship with a parent who is mentally unstable and refuses to seek help. It's sad, but sometimes it's best to cut your losses and accept that your parent will not change. At that point it is no longer about the past, but about the present and the future.

OP,

I have a less than ideal relationship with my mother. I have very little respect for her left. She and my father let my sibling run all over them and just hand over money left and right -- to the tune of hundreds of thousands of dollars. They have bailed my sibling out of all bad decisions, financial and otherwise. They make excuse after excuse after excuse for my sibling's inability to keep a job. Meanwhile, I am successful and don't make dumb decisions requiring multiple bailouts. And I get no credit or recognition for my success. In fact, my sibling's "accomplishments" are often aggrandized and flaunted. I have just stopped being nice about it all. When my parents do something stupid, I tell them. When they act surprised about some dumbass thing my sibling has done, I take them back through all the dumbass things my sibling has done. Seriously, I can barely have a conversation with my mother anymore. I have only one child in large part because I would jump off a bridge if I made my child feel the way I feel in my family. So I just avoid them as much as possible.

OP, if you aren't a troll, here is the deal when it comes to adult relationships with children.

They change.

It doesn't matter how you've treated your daughter vs. her siblings in the past. She has matured into an adult, and so have they, and you should think hard about treating them equitably now.

Also, I agree with PPs that you don't just 'demand' respect. She is not 13. She is an adult, she does not rely on you monetarily, and she can decide whether you are a part of her life. My parents also had a hard time with this. I would disagree with them and they would tell me I was all wrong and I'll regret XYZ. I'd give them time and space and we'd start over with cordial conversations and work from there. Keep it simple and stop the drama. Keep out of her relationship with her husband and try treating her as you would a friend. Respect HER decisions and reactions too. If you think you've upset her with something you said or did, you need to say so. The days of 'I'm doing what's best for you because I'm your parent' are OVER.

Anonymous wrote:A parent's love for their children is unconditional, yes. Not, however, when those children are adults. At that point, the kids and parents are equal and love must be earned on both sides.

If you want your mom to treat you as an equal, then you have to quit already with the childish rehashing of things that aren't fair or weren't fair when you were growing up. I doubt that any mom sat there thinking up ways to make their kids lives miserable: most of them did what you are now doing with your kids---the best you can with what you have at the time and where you are right then.

Actually, I have a great mother/daughter relationship, but anyone can squirt a baby out. I also doubt that many mothers spend time trying to make their kids lives miserable, but there are pleanty of selfish, neglectful, narcissistic parents out there. The intent does not matter.

Are the poster of "hurtful adult daughter"?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok..... If you dont get something, you don't have to be nasty.
How does it make a mother narcissistic if she wants her kids to respect her? I feel sorry for your mother.

Lady, respect is earned.

Word. + Infinity. Ironically, it's my narcissistic mother who taught me this.

OP, your daughter doesn't lack respect for you due to your profession. She lacks respect for you either due to the way you communicate/behave, or because you created a monster. Either way it's kind of your doing.

A parent's love for their children is unconditional, yes. Not, however, when those children are adults. At that point, the kids and parents are equal and love must be earned on both sides.

If you want your mom to treat you as an equal, then you have to quit already with the childish rehashing of things that aren't fair or weren't fair when you were growing up. I doubt that any mom sat there thinking up ways to make their kids lives miserable: most of them did what you are now doing with your kids---the best you can with what you have at the time and where you are right then.

Anonymous wrote:Ok..... If you dont get something, you don't have to be nasty.
How does it make a mother narcissistic if she wants her kids to respect her? I feel sorry for your mother.

Lady, respect is earned.

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Thanks for all responses. I never in a million years thought I would be in this place. My husband says to just forget about her. I have been in such a deep depression about this.
Even if I was a hooker, my kids should respect me.

Actually no.


A child's love for their parent is conditional. A parent's love is unconditional.

I have no idea of your particular situation, but I am estranged from my father. like others on here, he is a narcissist and plays games in attempting to create alliances with the various siblings. We have now all cut him off.

I will agree that it is your job to be the bigger person and do what it takes to mend fences, and that might mean taking a close look at yourself and also ASKING your daughter where you might have messed up along the line.

Ok..... If you dont get something, you don't have to be nasty.
How does it make a mother narcissistic if she wants her kids to respect her? I feel sorry for your mother.

After seeing the OP's response I will say that this is a troll or that was not really the OP responding. Must be a slow Monday.

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Thanks for all responses. I never in a million years thought I would be in this place. My husband says to just forget about her. I have been in such a deep depression about this.
Even if I was a hooker, my kids should respect me.

You sound more like mother, who is a narcissist. She has an obsessive focus on respect, never wondering why it may be hard for her kids to respect her.

What does hooking have to do with anything. This is about your relationship with your child.