OP - I think DW & I are slowly digging out of this. The sex has been neglected since we had little kids. Talking about it has bruised some feelings. But, that aside, I feel like our relationship is better than it's been in years. The kids are getting older and caring for them is less all-consuming. It just feels as if we like each other more these days.

Of course, some of my optimism is probably based on having hot, good sex last night.

Anonymous wrote:Remember when we all had a lot of sex just because we liked it and we wanted to? Before marriage, of course.

Yep. Before resentments get build up. Before we both started prioritizing other things and people over each other. Before romantic love faded and we didn't replace it with mature love because turns out it's really easy to be selfish.

Remember when we all had a lot of sex just because we liked it and we wanted to? Before marriage, of course.

Anonymous wrote:My advice is to buy good sex toys for her (expensive ones like lelo or jimmyjane) and clean the house. Seriously. Not to be blunt but if she isn't interested in having sex with you it means that she isn't enjoying it and does not find you sexually attractive. She may still love you, find you physically atrractive but the sexual attraction is gone and having sex with you is one more chore or thing she needs to do. The reality is that most women end up doing more on the second shift with the kids, house upkeep, cooking on top of working that men do. This is soul sucking and exhausting. If you feel like cleaning up, doing laundry etc is "kissing her ass" or "helping out" rather than something that you need to do then wake up now and kick your ass in gear. The attitude alone of doing parenting and home upkeep is helping or something that you need to be asked to do kills the sexual attraction and just builds a combination of resentment and regret in your partner. Step up and be an equal partner. She'll be less exhausted and respect you more.

Second, its hard to get back in the groove after not enjoying sex for so long. The good toys, especially if she never used them before, work pretty fast. It makes it different. Warning another blunt comment coming on..it seems, at least among the women that I talk to, that men fall into routines in doing the same thing in bed fr years. The problem with this is that if you do this and you do anything remotely annoying (most people do their partners just don't say anything), this will become the focus of the whole experience for her because it happens every single time. The toys can break up the routine.

This. This is why I have a 2nd husband.

I got tired of it too, then went to the gym, exercised 1 hour per day, lost 30 pounds, bought some new, sexier clothes, and went out more dressed to the 9s with my friends. He finally figured out if he didn't start servicing me it wasn't going to be long before someone else would offer. Now happily satisfied on a regular basis.

I would love to have sex 2 or 3 times per week. My husband doesn't want to. Several times in our marriage we have gone 12 to 14 months with no sex. I don't like it, but I don't see it changing.

Is she on birth control pills? I was on the pill for 10 years, got off of it to get pregnant and had NO idea what a sex drive was until I came off those stupid hormones. It may not be her fault!

Fwiw--my dh and I have gone through swings. He wants more than I do for sure but things that have helped:

--I had asked him for a massage because my neck was tense and after he finished I told him how amazing it felt and how different a person I was after just those 5 minutes. He told me that's how he feels about sex, sometimes he just needs it to feel better (btw he's not a bad guy, I hope this doesn't come out wrong)
--I told him that when he grabs my ass or makes an otherwise overt attempt to tell me he wants sex tonight, it can be a total turnoff. He agreed to give me the upperhan for a month, no pressure from his side at all and that really helped! It made me want him more. I also agreed that I wouldn't take every ass-grab as a signal of wanting sex but that he finds me attractive
--we started a "sex jar" and drop a dollar in every time we do it. By the end of the year we will take that money and do something fun just the two of us. It makes it a little game and it's kind of fun to count how much we have.

Be patient with her. But talk to her. Good luck! I went from being a DW who only cared for sex 1-2 times a month to wanting it 2-3/week. It's possible!

Anonymous wrote:"Once I felt that I could trust that she cared about my feelings on this topic, I backed off trying to initiate so often, and now we've been much happier for several months. Our frequency hasn't changed all that much, but we both have a much healthier attitude--I appreciate her making time for us to have sex, and I make it worth her while when we do. It's all about getting into a positive feedback loop instead of a negative one, and you are making the right moves. "

Sex-deprived DW here. This is right (plus a lover on the side). I'm happy because I've had sex five times in the past 9 days. Three of the five were with my husband.

That is just gross and unhealthy behavior.

I once cheated on a boyfriend and had sex the next day with another dude. Barely 24hrs inbetween. Never have I felt more dirty and disgusting in my live. What a pathetic low I had sunk to.

You seem proud, but really you are just gross.

"Once I felt that I could trust that she cared about my feelings on this topic, I backed off trying to initiate so often, and now we've been much happier for several months. Our frequency hasn't changed all that much, but we both have a much healthier attitude--I appreciate her making time for us to have sex, and I make it worth her while when we do. It's all about getting into a positive feedback loop instead of a negative one, and you are making the right moves. "

Sex-deprived DW here. This is right (plus a lover on the side). I'm happy because I've had sex five times in the past 9 days. Three of the five were with my husband.

Anonymous wrote:My advice is to buy good sex toys for her (expensive ones like lelo or jimmyjane) and clean the house. Seriously. Not to be blunt but if she isn't interested in having sex with you it means that she isn't enjoying it and does not find you sexually attractive. She may still love you, find you physically atrractive but the sexual attraction is gone and having sex with you is one more chore or thing she needs to do. The reality is that most women end up doing more on the second shift with the kids, house upkeep, cooking on top of working that men do. This is soul sucking and exhausting. If you feel like cleaning up, doing laundry etc is "kissing her ass" or "helping out" rather than something that you need to do then wake up now and kick your ass in gear. The attitude alone of doing parenting and home upkeep is helping or something that you need to be asked to do kills the sexual attraction and just builds a combination of resentment and regret in your partner. Step up and be an equal partner. She'll be less exhausted and respect you more.

Second, its hard to get back in the groove after not enjoying sex for so long. The good toys, especially if she never used them before, work pretty fast. It makes it different. Warning another blunt comment coming on..it seems, at least among the women that I talk to, that men fall into routines in doing the same thing in bed fr years. The problem with this is that if you do this and you do anything remotely annoying (most people do their partners just don't say anything), this will become the focus of the whole experience for her because it happens every single time. The toys can break up the routine.

How do you deal with that?

OP - Thanks PP. Glad to hear that I might potentially be on the right track.

OP, I was you about a 2 years ago. It's a very tricky issue, but you seem to get the dynamics of it.

She needs to acknowledge that your concern is legitimate, and that she's not living up to her obligations as a spouse. And before everyone yells at me for saying that wifes/husbands are obligated to have sex when they don't want to, that's not at all what I'm saying.

Where she's falling short is in ignoring your feelings of longing for intimacy. If she's not up for sex on any given day, that's fine, but she should recognize that the frequency is an issue for you, and not just because you're a selfish immature man who doesn't understand women. And as long as she acknowledges the problem and takes steps to mitigate it, that should be enough to get by for awhile.

In my case, my wife and I had periodic fights over sexual frequency that went exactly like yours--we'd fall into a sexless rut, I would point out the lack of frequency, she would blame me for not doing enough around the house, I would do everything around the house, she would complain about something else, and I would fix it, and then I would be accused for fixing the problem "just so I could have sex." And don't get me started on the counting--if I didn't come up with a number, she'd say that I was exaggerating the problem, if I did come up with a number, she'd say I was unfairly pressuring her. Our marriage was generally good, but this topic would come up a few times a year and just ruin everything for awhile.

Eventually she started keeping track of sexual frequency herself, along with other behaviors she was trying to monitor, and she would recognize when it had been awhile and make time for us. Once I felt that I could trust that she cared about my feelings on this topic, I backed off trying to initiate so often, and now we've been much happier for several months. Our frequency hasn't changed all that much, but we both have a much healthier attitude--I appreciate her making time for us to have sex, and I make it worth her while when we do. It's all about getting into a positive feedback loop instead of a negative one, and you are making the right moves.

The "kissing her ass" line is more out of irritation than reality. Her explanations of what is needed to step up her libido are just such a moving target.

"Don't hassle me about money."
Ok. Fine. Done.

"Do more around the house."
Ok. Fine. Done. With the result being she seems to have more time and money to pursue recreational activities that make her too tired to have sex once we get the kids to bed.

I think what I'm dealing with is that these things are necessary but not sufficient for getting her motor revved. At some point, it's also necessary that she regard sex as a priority and my dissatisfaction with sex once or twice a month as a legitimate concern that she should also put some effort into addressing in some fashion.

I think (though I'm not sure) if the frequency stayed the same, I would be o.k. with it if I knew she was paying attention to the issue and making an effort to think about our sex life generally and her sexuality specifically -- masturbating, reading erotica, whatever. That, along with showing me some sort of affection as a loved and valued husband rather than just as the father of her children and roommate.

What would drive me crazy is if she continued to simply forget about our sex life as a non-issue because she was getting as much or more sex than she wanted, so it's my problem and my problem alone. That's where, I think my resentment was coming from. And it was unfair because I never said anything about feeling that way. She's not a mind reader. On the other hand, telling her I felt our frequency of sex was a significant problem made her feel inadequate and, at least in the short term, pressured in terms of sex, which does not help the libido.

It's a tough knot to untangle. I think I'll wait a while on the toys since I think that would send yet another signal that I'm pressuring her on the subject of sex. For the moment, I'll keep cleaning, try not to mope about sex, and she'll make time to read some erotica and we'll see where it goes.

DW here. If I don't get it 2X a week, I'm the grumpy one.

Just do like my husband does. He gets so damn grumpy and easily irritated when the frequency is not enough. I'd rather just do it even when I don't want to and am exhausted rather than deal with his moods. The good news is that when the frequency is at least 2xs a week, he is so incredibly happy, nothing gets him down.