Anonymous
07/30/2012 19:51
Subject: Re:How did you develop a relationship with your brother or sister in-law?
I've worked really hard at it. We're really different. We come at things from the exact opposite direction.
To get close with her here are some things I did:
1. I added her birthday and her & my bro's anniversary to my card list
2. I got her presents for the holidays
3. When the family was together and something from before her days of joining the family was mentioned, I would quietly explain to her the backstory
4. I was friendly with her parents and sibs
5. I invited her to go do things with me, even without my brother (see a play, go to dinner, go makeup shopping)
6. When it was the holidays, I got her presents that showed I really listen when she speaks about her likes.
7. I've defended her to my mom when she's been judged unfairly.
To get close with her here are some things I did:
1. I added her birthday and her & my bro's anniversary to my card list
2. I got her presents for the holidays
3. When the family was together and something from before her days of joining the family was mentioned, I would quietly explain to her the backstory
4. I was friendly with her parents and sibs
5. I invited her to go do things with me, even without my brother (see a play, go to dinner, go makeup shopping)
6. When it was the holidays, I got her presents that showed I really listen when she speaks about her likes.
7. I've defended her to my mom when she's been judged unfairly.
Anonymous
07/30/2012 14:35
Subject: How did you develop a relationship with your brother or sister in-law?
Anonymous wrote:
I'm the poster this was directed towards. First of all, it is my BIL living at home with his parents with 2 young kids. The ex-girlfriend was 12 years younger than him and she walked out on her children and is now dating someone else and claiming she can't afford to help out financially. I will do what I can to help our niece and nephew when possible (we live thousands of miles away from them, so we can't help much anyway), but I sure as hell am not sending monthly checks to my BIL who instead of spending it on his children, chooses to spend his money on booze and tats (you know, the huge couple hundred dollar ones?) And my in-laws, while well intentionned, have not helped him in the least by supporting this nonsense. When they said they had to move back in after #1 was born because they had gotten themselves into some financial trouble, that was when my in-laws should have taken the reins and put them on a budget. But no - so they move out after a year, get pregnant again, and then have to move back in when "oops, we can't afford 2 in daycare AND we can't afford life on just one salary." All the while continuing to go to bars and party with their friends and dumping their kids on weekends with grandparents.
I won't support bad decisions. If he can show that he is actually being responsible and cleaning up his act, then maybe I would be more willing to help out. At this point, we went out of our way to write our will so his brother never gets his hands on our money if we should all pass together. We have it written so that whatever money we have is put into a trust for our niece and nephew. My husband was upset when he found out the kids had to receive food stamps and gov't health insurance, but seriously, this is what these programs are for and why we pay our taxes.
Not to mention, we really CAN'T help. We've got bills to pay, too, and our own child to feed and clothe and everything else.
forgot to mention - before they got knocked up with #2 - they went out and bought a Hummer H3, because you know, they needed a truck or something. When a used Corolla would have been a much more reasonable purchase for someone who just barely was able to move out of mommy and daddy's house with their one kid in tow to live in a cheapo 2 BR apt.
I very nearly smacked my BIL when he was babbling on to me about the video system in the car. We make 3X what they do, and we we don't have a car with a video system...let alone a freaking hummer.
Anonymous
07/30/2012 14:29
Subject: How did you develop a relationship with your brother or sister in-law?
My brother was working nights and I needed to be in his city one day so I drove out the night before, asked his wife to dinner and then spent the evening and night with her. We got some time without his intervention to get used to each other. Be honest about your intent and just call them up and go to dinner.
Anonymous
07/30/2012 14:27
Subject: How did you develop a relationship with your brother or sister in-law?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I write the checks my husband (and FIL) insist that we need to send the loser.
I fear this could be in our future. We're already having a hard enough time making ourselves secure - just because idiot reproduced with a loser who then walked out on her kids we owe him in some way? Yeah, not happening on my watch. My husband can write that check without me in the picture. I'll divorce his ass if he thinks I'm supporting that hot mess.
Wow - you have a terrible attitude. Please do your nephews a giant favor and stay out of it. If your husband wants to help his sister, and you can afford it, that is a beautiful thing.
NP= Yeah, giving a drunk a drink is always a "beautiful thing."
People make their choices in life and just because you are related to them does not mean you are obligated to care for them especially when they are making poor choices. All you teach them is that there are no consequences for poor choices and you have a bill for life.
I'm the poster this was directed towards. First of all, it is my BIL living at home with his parents with 2 young kids. The ex-girlfriend was 12 years younger than him and she walked out on her children and is now dating someone else and claiming she can't afford to help out financially. I will do what I can to help our niece and nephew when possible (we live thousands of miles away from them, so we can't help much anyway), but I sure as hell am not sending monthly checks to my BIL who instead of spending it on his children, chooses to spend his money on booze and tats (you know, the huge couple hundred dollar ones?) And my in-laws, while well intentionned, have not helped him in the least by supporting this nonsense. When they said they had to move back in after #1 was born because they had gotten themselves into some financial trouble, that was when my in-laws should have taken the reins and put them on a budget. But no - so they move out after a year, get pregnant again, and then have to move back in when "oops, we can't afford 2 in daycare AND we can't afford life on just one salary." All the while continuing to go to bars and party with their friends and dumping their kids on weekends with grandparents.
I won't support bad decisions. If he can show that he is actually being responsible and cleaning up his act, then maybe I would be more willing to help out. At this point, we went out of our way to write our will so his brother never gets his hands on our money if we should all pass together. We have it written so that whatever money we have is put into a trust for our niece and nephew. My husband was upset when he found out the kids had to receive food stamps and gov't health insurance, but seriously, this is what these programs are for and why we pay our taxes.
Not to mention, we really CAN'T help. We've got bills to pay, too, and our own child to feed and clothe and everything else.
Anonymous
07/30/2012 14:22
Subject: Re:How did you develop a relationship with your brother or sister in-law?
honestly, i've given up. i have three SILs. Am probably closest, or was, to my older brother's wife, mostly because they have been together for more than 30 years so I barely remember not having her in my life. I do like and love her, though. I like my younger brother's wife, but don't like that she seems walled off from us, in part because she MUCH MUCH MUCH prefers her own family (some of that is understandable, of course, but it gets to the point of being kinda mean spirited, like going on vacation for weeks/year with her parents, but only being to spend a day or two a year with our family). But H's brother's wife? I tried and tried and tried but am giving up. She doesn't like us for some reason (may be legit, I just don't know) and she is the biggest prima donna I have ever known. She is self absorbed and thinks she is open minded, but really cannot see any view other than her own. We send their family stuff frequently -- cards for the kids and gifts, e-mails and/or cards for adult birthdays and anniversaries -- but we get nothing in return. So now I'm done.
To answer your question, though, I tried to develop friendships with them by making plans, having lunch, keeping in touch, supporting causes that were meaningful to them (i.e. making donations when they did events, doing event walks with them, etc) but never seemed to get even a portion of the same interest. The one piece of advice I would give, and I know it sounds really odd, is to ASK what kind of relationship they want to have with you. "hey, i would like to develop a relationship with you that's in addition to our relationship by marriage. is that something that would interest you?" might prevent hurt feelings or misunderstandings or disappointment.
To answer your question, though, I tried to develop friendships with them by making plans, having lunch, keeping in touch, supporting causes that were meaningful to them (i.e. making donations when they did events, doing event walks with them, etc) but never seemed to get even a portion of the same interest. The one piece of advice I would give, and I know it sounds really odd, is to ASK what kind of relationship they want to have with you. "hey, i would like to develop a relationship with you that's in addition to our relationship by marriage. is that something that would interest you?" might prevent hurt feelings or misunderstandings or disappointment.
Anonymous
07/30/2012 14:03
Subject: How did you develop a relationship with your brother or sister in-law?
I've tried to get to know them all, just like I would any other new person I meet. My husband has 3 brothers - ironically, the one that I like the most is probably his least favorite, and his favorite (baby) brother, is my least favorite.
His brothers are all now married and I like all 3 of my sisters-in-law. Two live on the west coast, though, and it's very hard to feel like I know them very well. But we try to enjoy each other's company when we get a chance to see each other.
Basically, I try not to have unrealistic expectations and I also sometimes sacrifice a bit of my own needs/wants for the good of family harmony.
In my own family, I have a brother-in-law who I'm not particularly fond of; I just sort of tolerate him when we are around them. I have a sister-in-law who has always been a bit distant - even more so now that my brother has left her. So I've sort of "given up" on that relationship. And finally I have a sister-in-law who is married to my best friend - my closest (in age) brother. Because my relationship with him is very special and one of the most important relationships in my life, I work very hard at having a good relationship with my sister-in-law - getting to know her, understanding her, not projecting stuff onto her, etc. She actually is very different from me/my family, and I've worked on trying to embrace the differences rather than trying to change her or "make" her see "how we do things" in our family.
All in all - some better relationships, some not. Distance definitely places a role, as does maturity and expectations.
His brothers are all now married and I like all 3 of my sisters-in-law. Two live on the west coast, though, and it's very hard to feel like I know them very well. But we try to enjoy each other's company when we get a chance to see each other.
Basically, I try not to have unrealistic expectations and I also sometimes sacrifice a bit of my own needs/wants for the good of family harmony.
In my own family, I have a brother-in-law who I'm not particularly fond of; I just sort of tolerate him when we are around them. I have a sister-in-law who has always been a bit distant - even more so now that my brother has left her. So I've sort of "given up" on that relationship. And finally I have a sister-in-law who is married to my best friend - my closest (in age) brother. Because my relationship with him is very special and one of the most important relationships in my life, I work very hard at having a good relationship with my sister-in-law - getting to know her, understanding her, not projecting stuff onto her, etc. She actually is very different from me/my family, and I've worked on trying to embrace the differences rather than trying to change her or "make" her see "how we do things" in our family.
All in all - some better relationships, some not. Distance definitely places a role, as does maturity and expectations.
Anonymous
07/30/2012 11:50
Subject: How did you develop a relationship with your brother or sister in-law?
I am polite with my bil but would prefer to never have anything to do with him. He keeps asking dh to buy stuff using his credit card- for big purchases I make sure he pays back, for smaller ones, alas, this never happens. Jerk.
Anonymous
07/30/2012 11:50
Subject: How did you develop a relationship with your brother or sister in-law?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I write the checks my husband (and FIL) insist that we need to send the loser.
I fear this could be in our future. We're already having a hard enough time making ourselves secure - just because idiot reproduced with a loser who then walked out on her kids we owe him in some way? Yeah, not happening on my watch. My husband can write that check without me in the picture. I'll divorce his ass if he thinks I'm supporting that hot mess.
Wow - you have a terrible attitude. Please do your nephews a giant favor and stay out of it. If your husband wants to help his sister, and you can afford it, that is a beautiful thing.
NP= Yeah, giving a drunk a drink is always a "beautiful thing."
People make their choices in life and just because you are related to them does not mean you are obligated to care for them especially when they are making poor choices. All you teach them is that there are no consequences for poor choices and you have a bill for life.
Anonymous
07/30/2012 11:47
Subject: Re:How did you develop a relationship with your brother or sister in-law?
My DH's sister is very nice and I like her a lot but I wouldn't say we are "close". She's wonderful to my son and, again, a great person but she's a few years younger so when I met DH, we were in very different stages in life. She recently got married and a lot of her friends are having kids so we have more in common now. But we've never hung out just her and I.
My brother's wife and I are very close and I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that we are in the same stage in life and a lot closer in age--both have kids who are the same age, etc. It also helps that DH gets along with my brother. We all just get along well and have similar "issues" in our lives right now so it is an immediate bond.
When my mother met my dad's sister (my aunt), they were in VERY different life stages--my mom wanted to get married and settle down and my aunt wanted to go into the Peace Corps. She actually told my mom that they had nothing in common and probably never would. Fast forward 30 years, my aunt has since gotten married, had kids and now they both have grandkids. They are now BEST friends.
Sometimes, it just takes time and having things in common. It also helps when your MIL/FIL help to foster the relationship instead of driving a wedge between the two of you (which I have seen happen a lot).
My brother's wife and I are very close and I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that we are in the same stage in life and a lot closer in age--both have kids who are the same age, etc. It also helps that DH gets along with my brother. We all just get along well and have similar "issues" in our lives right now so it is an immediate bond.
When my mother met my dad's sister (my aunt), they were in VERY different life stages--my mom wanted to get married and settle down and my aunt wanted to go into the Peace Corps. She actually told my mom that they had nothing in common and probably never would. Fast forward 30 years, my aunt has since gotten married, had kids and now they both have grandkids. They are now BEST friends.
Sometimes, it just takes time and having things in common. It also helps when your MIL/FIL help to foster the relationship instead of driving a wedge between the two of you (which I have seen happen a lot).
Anonymous
07/30/2012 11:36
Subject: How did you develop a relationship with your brother or sister in-law?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I write the checks my husband (and FIL) insist that we need to send the loser.
I fear this could be in our future. We're already having a hard enough time making ourselves secure - just because idiot reproduced with a loser who then walked out on her kids we owe him in some way? Yeah, not happening on my watch. My husband can write that check without me in the picture. I'll divorce his ass if he thinks I'm supporting that hot mess.
Wow - you have a terrible attitude. Please do your nephews a giant favor and stay out of it. If your husband wants to help his sister, and you can afford it, that is a beautiful thing.
Anonymous
07/30/2012 10:30
Subject: How did you develop a relationship with your brother or sister in-law?
I'm friendly with mine when I see them , we talk, no bad blook or anything but other than those once a year visits and happy birthday wishes, we have no relationship. I don't see anything wrong with it.
Anonymous
07/30/2012 07:04
Subject: Re:How did you develop a relationship with your brother or sister in-law?
I don't have any advice for you OP, other than to say that if it doesn't work out and you don't become friends, you're not alone. My SIL (DH's brother's wife) was never nice to me from the beginning and we have never gotten past that. A few times when we went to their house early on she disappeared and I thought it was so rude for her to just take off leaving me there with her husband, son, and my husband who I was dating at the time. Anyway, our relationship is basically nonexistent (which I actually think is worse than fighting because we basically don't care about each other's lives at all). My DH has a lot of issues with his brother too so it's not all me. I wish things were different but I have accepted the fact that they're not going to change.
Anonymous
07/29/2012 21:47
Subject: Re:How did you develop a relationship with your brother or sister in-law?
My SIL (DH's sis) is very narcissitic. I try to take the high road and remind myself that most folks, including her own family, think that she is crazy. The relationship used to be quite strained, but she is so busy with children now that there is a lot less collateral damage for the rest of us.
OP, I would strongly suggest that it is important to make an effort, yet try to tamp down your expectations about being best buddies. Try to minimize drawing your DH into situations. My DH has had to stand up once to his mom and once to his sister on my behalf. I think it helped that I did not expect him to fight every battle, or better yet, that I usually just took the high road and did not get embroiled in some ultimately unnecessary dispute.
OP, I would strongly suggest that it is important to make an effort, yet try to tamp down your expectations about being best buddies. Try to minimize drawing your DH into situations. My DH has had to stand up once to his mom and once to his sister on my behalf. I think it helped that I did not expect him to fight every battle, or better yet, that I usually just took the high road and did not get embroiled in some ultimately unnecessary dispute.
Anonymous
07/29/2012 21:04
Subject: How did you develop a relationship with your brother or sister in-law?
The same way you make friends with anyone else. You are kind to them. You can invite her for lunch/coffee/dinner and put the ball in her court. You also respect the fact she has a right to decline and you don't trash her for it.
I felt there was potential to develop a friendship with one of my SILs, but the way she reacted to me declining one invitation convinced me i did not want to get involved with her and I would be polite but distant. She invited me to lunch during a time my father was ill, I was interviewing for new jobs and we were about the move. I declined, but told her I was so thrilled she invited me and I explained I really want to get together and I would love to take her to lunch once things slow down for me, but right now I am overwhelmed.
So..she trashed me. She told my husband, MIL etc I am a stuck up bitch among other things. That was it for me. I did not want to be involved with someone who has no empathy. I could now see why my husband wasn't close with her. Even if I don't like someone, I don't trash them.
I felt there was potential to develop a friendship with one of my SILs, but the way she reacted to me declining one invitation convinced me i did not want to get involved with her and I would be polite but distant. She invited me to lunch during a time my father was ill, I was interviewing for new jobs and we were about the move. I declined, but told her I was so thrilled she invited me and I explained I really want to get together and I would love to take her to lunch once things slow down for me, but right now I am overwhelmed.
So..she trashed me. She told my husband, MIL etc I am a stuck up bitch among other things. That was it for me. I did not want to be involved with someone who has no empathy. I could now see why my husband wasn't close with her. Even if I don't like someone, I don't trash them.
Anonymous
07/29/2012 19:03
Subject: How did you develop a relationship with your brother or sister in-law?
Buy him some transformers. Maybe that is just my BIL, but he's obsessed. Doesn't collect, he actually plays with them. Like making shooting noises and everything.
Maybe that's why I'm not close to him.
Maybe that's why I'm not close to him.