OP: did you ever consider that you may be putting out things that are hurtful to your MIL? There is a lot of benefits that would come out od you being able to get along with MIL.

I agree with other posters that you should tell her you're coming but just set other things up so you're busy the whole time. You'll probably enjoy yourself more if you're not sneaking around hiding a lie. If you have to see her a little just think about how lucky you are that she doesn't live close by. I completely understand having to deal with a difficult MIL. Mine isn't as bad as some people describe on this board but she and my FIL favor their other two children over my DH and have a horrible effect on him. I hate to see it. My MIL is a bully too but I can handle that much more than how much they hurt my DH.

Why would you tell her you are coming and tell her about he medical procedure then try and hide the whole time. If you don't want her to know you are there then don't tell her you are coming. This sounds like you are part of the drama by telling her you are coming to town for a medical procedure then wanting to void her while there.

OP tell them you are in town but unfortunately will be very busy with the medical issues, stay close to hospital but as far from their house as possible and offer they can stop by for a short while to visit with DC if that feels comfortable.

8.16: It sounds like your MIL has an undiagnosed psychological issue, which could explain her paranoia and apparent lack of interest in anything.

Find a hotel closer to the hospital and tell your MIL your husband has to stay close to the hospital or the doctor's office.

I am in the same boat. MIL is a pathological liar. Last time I invited her to my home, she started slandering her family members again. I do not want to meet her or let my children spend more than a few hours with her.

My MIL has never worked. By this I do not mean she has never been employed. She has never worked either inside or outside the house despite she's healthy to work. FIL worked 10 hours a day and had to come back home do all the house chores before he retired. MIL did not cook, clean the house, or do laundry. She stayed at home watching TV or sleep all day. I stayed at her house during one summer and realized that DH's then nine year old brother had to walk her dog, pour water for her to drink etc. I washed all her dishes and cooked DH's brother lunch. Poor boy had been eating instant noodles everyday. When I took DH's brother to a movie, he told me that it was yet first time he'd been to a movie theater. I could not believe it. One time MIL's dog pooped on the kitchen floor in he morning, she tossed a paper towel over the poop and said my FIL would clean it up when he got off work.

Fast forward a few years. FIL retired and had a stroke. His temperament changed after the surgery. He no longer worked to MIL like a dog but started to call her lazy. MIL panicked and told DH she's afraid that FIL would divorce her. Then at a family gathering night she called cops on FIL and claimed he hit her. Ten people were at the house but no one saw the hitting. She had no bruises either. She did not go to the court but FIL moved out to a nursing home.

Last time she came to my house and told me how FIL was lazy and beat her on a daily bases and she ended up in hospital with blood all over her so many times. She was the one who did all he house chore and had to work 18 hrs a day. DH came back home and was angered by her lies. MIL went nuts after DH said she was lying. She screamed that DH was going to kill her and started to shove DH aggressively. DH never touched her. Forunately DS had been put to bed. I was so frightened and had to send her to a nearby hotel because she constantly claimed that DH was a threat to her safety.

DH's birthday was last week. MIL sent him a birthday card with four pages accusation of DH being mean to her during her last visit.

We don't plan to spend our holidays with her.

Anonymous wrote:You can be there and be unavailable. You are an adult. She doesn't own you. I hate to put it that way and I don't mean to be harsh, but the sooner you establish yourselves as adults (and not her children) the sooner she will treat you that way. She probably doesn't talk to her friends the way she talks to you and DH. I bet she is kinder and tries not to offend them. If she wants to see you she will do the same with you. This is lesson #1. It took my MIL 3.

This is the best advice. Really.

You have other plans for you time in the area. Why would you hide this as if it were somehow inappropriate to do so? And, you don't have to lay out your whole itinerary or make apologies either. Just let her know when you might be available to meet up for an hour. Anything else feels powerless.