I went though this with my ex, and briefly blamed myself (not good enough in bed, not sexy enough, etc.). Then I was just confused. It finally took counseling for me to learn that he was really bad at expressing his deepest feelings and that he'd secretly been harboring resentment towards me for a long time, which made him not want to have sex with me.

"Intimacy and Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship" by David Schnarch

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are your husbands secretly using porn? Habitual use of porn can make a man unable to perform/respond to an actual person.

Yep, that's part of it for me. A little porn is fine though, I don't think it is excessive but of course he could be lying.

I think sometimes for men it is easier to get themselves off on their own than deal with a relationship with a woman. And that's fine, but I and other PPs don't have to stick around for it. He can spend the rest of his life in front of a computer, but I'm interested in intimacy and sex with a real person.

We all like to say, oh its porn no big deal, only prudes don't like it but it affects more marriages than people think. It has been proven that porn can be as addictive as cocaine. It is much easier for a man to whack off in front of the computer than taking a living, breathing woman and turn her on.

Anonymous wrote:Are your husbands secretly using porn? Habitual use of porn can make a man unable to perform/respond to an actual person.

Yep, that's part of it for me. A little porn is fine though, I don't think it is excessive but of course he could be lying.

I think sometimes for men it is easier to get themselves off on their own than deal with a relationship with a woman. And that's fine, but I and other PPs don't have to stick around for it. He can spend the rest of his life in front of a computer, but I'm interested in intimacy and sex with a real person.

Are your husbands secretly using porn? Habitual use of porn can make a man unable to perform/respond to an actual person.

pull us out ? har har har i see what you did there

Glad to know I am not alone although sad to see so many others in the same boat as me. DH and I have not had sex in almost two years. Part of that time I was pregnant but there was no interest on his part during or since. It is really depressing and it makes me really angry too. If I had the opportunity to find someone to cheat with I would. I really would and that is sad. I feel totally unattractive at this point and therefore, do not think I will even find someone for a fling. :o(

This is the first time I've ever admitted this, but I have the same problem with my DH. He barely seems attracted to me anymore. I look just the same as I did when we were first married, I swear. People (other people, anyway) tell me I'm attractive. I work out regularly, stay very fit. I feel ashamed. Am I supposed to tell him I want him to be affectionate with me? I'm not just talking sex (although it would be nice if he ever ever ever initiated). I'm talking hand holding, cuddling, saying I love you, etc. He's so affectionate with our kids, just not with me. I'm so, so embarrassed that I can't work up the nerve to tell him I need affection.

No idea. I have tried and tried and tried and tried. No dice. I don't know how much longer I can last.

OP, same here and we're spearating. I made excuses for a very long time and now just can't and won't anymore. H won't consider testosterone patch or shots.

Anonymous wrote:Please define what intimacy and connection mean to you.

Sharing important things with each other, and non important things too (instead of going to friends first, especially if one friend is a coworker of the opposite sex who is going through a divorce and is particularly needy. That certainly didn't help things).

Being affectionate outside the bedroom. Hugging and kissing, butt swatting here and there. Cuddling outside of sex. Talking to each other about things other than kids and household managment, bills, logistics. Date nights every once in a while.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Geez, after reading this i am going to initiate with DW-don't want her to look for a bf!

Did this REALLY just occur to you?

Good grief, if I was not having regular sex with my DH and not initiating sexual intimacy, I'd expect that he'd be getting it on the side. This is 101 stuff.

I was just kidding.

Anonymous wrote:Geez, after reading this i am going to initiate with DW-don't want her to look for a bf!

Did this REALLY just occur to you?

Good grief, if I was not having regular sex with my DH and not initiating sexual intimacy, I'd expect that he'd be getting it on the side. This is 101 stuff.

Has he had his testosterone levels checked out?
For years I though that my DH wasn't attracted to me.
We NEVER had sex.
It turned out that his Testosterone levels were out if whack.
He started using a Testosterone patch and was all over me!
He still is, years later!
It's worth a shot!

Geez, after reading this i am going to initiate with DW-don't want her to look for a bf!