Anonymous wrote:Are you a SAHM, OP? Not knocking it at all (I was one myself for a few years), but I noticed that many of my SAHM friends have husbands who think that because their wives stay at home, household chores/duties are entirely out of their domain. Can you find out how your husband feels...and then try to find a way to show him how much you do/how little a break you get?

I no doubt will create a storm here, but, if one spouse stays at home, that spouse should take care (whether doing it himself or herself or arranging others to do so) of most of the chores/duties. Sorry, once the kids are in school, one has 20-30 hours a week to do stuff. That is the deal. This allows the spouse who works outside the home to be more agggresive with his or her career, while the other spouse handles the home front. Nothing wrong with this. We have had multiple nannies and cleaners over the years, and they took no more than 4-5 hours to complete a thorough basic cleaning of the house.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, pick a job you want done, tell him you need it done by X date. He will tell you he'll "get to it" and you tell him that's fine, but if he doesn't, by X+1 you are calling someone else to do it. Then, when he doesn't do it, follow through and pay the guy who did it. You will be happy it's done, and DH will learn that either he will step up or you will find someone who will every time. Don't nag and don't bluff. I think I might stop doing his wash if he didn't step up and get off his iPad and contribute since you're working FT, but that's me.

This x1000.

Exactly. Action, not words.

Also, tell him you are going to alternate bedtimes EVERY NIGHT so you and he get equal time with your DD. It is not optional. Then, you get to have alone time (leave the house) when it is his turn to deal with DD. Do not do anything - don't put her in PJs, brush her teeth, etc. - that is all his deal. If she doesn't get a bath, big deal.

Lastly, when you have spoken to him, was he really paying attention? Did you put your feelings in clear enough terms? 'I am not happy in our marriage right now. I feel like i do everything.' Then wait for his response. Unless it is, 'Tough crap, you knew who you married and I don't give a crap if our house looks like it belongs on Hoarders', then you aren't getting through. If he agrees, and there are no repercussions (and setting a time frame is key as PP mentioned), then he has no incentive. Trust me, sometimes bringing out the B$TCH can be motivation enough - you just need to find out what will work for your dynamic.

Anonymous wrote:OP, pick a job you want done, tell him you need it done by X date. He will tell you he'll "get to it" and you tell him that's fine, but if he doesn't, by X+1 you are calling someone else to do it. Then, when he doesn't do it, follow through and pay the guy who did it. You will be happy it's done, and DH will learn that either he will step up or you will find someone who will every time. Don't nag and don't bluff. I think I might stop doing his wash if he didn't step up and get off his iPad and contribute since you're working FT, but that's me.

This x1000.

ADHD and authority issues. He won't do "x" because you asked him to ?

BTDT.

Hire handymen and cleaners - stop asking him, just do it. You work and make money and don't need his permission. It sounds like he is unlikely to even notice anyway...

Hire handymen and cleaners and deal with his unhappiness. My DH is like this. I bitched fruitlessly for years but then decided to hire help. He went through the roof at first but then got used to it. He'll get used to it.

OP, pick a job you want done, tell him you need it done by X date. He will tell you he'll "get to it" and you tell him that's fine, but if he doesn't, by X+1 you are calling someone else to do it. Then, when he doesn't do it, follow through and pay the guy who did it. You will be happy it's done, and DH will learn that either he will step up or you will find someone who will every time. Don't nag and don't bluff. I think I might stop doing his wash if he didn't step up and get off his iPad and contribute since you're working FT, but that's me.

Anonymous wrote:how long has your husband been depressed, op?

I tend to agree.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would get a job in the evenings. Let HIM take care of the child. Use YOUR money to pay for the things you want.

This is why I was always afraid to be a SAHM.... As much as it appeals to me, I think it creates a very unequal power dynamic in the marriage.

Hi all, i am not a SAHM. I work full time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine this is new behavior. My guess is that OP has known all along that this is the same person she married and decided to have a child with. Somehow she thought she'd inspire him or he'd eventually get bored with the video games or some magic would transform him into a real man, not some lazy teenager. What kills me is the shock, anger and frustration.

OP-YOU CHOSE HIM!

this. men are not projects. op is a loser mom.

But women think they are. "he will change after we get married" - famous last words.

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine this is new behavior. My guess is that OP has known all along that this is the same person she married and decided to have a child with. Somehow she thought she'd inspire him or he'd eventually get bored with the video games or some magic would transform him into a real man, not some lazy teenager. What kills me is the shock, anger and frustration.

OP-YOU CHOSE HIM!

this. men are not projects. op is a loser mom.

I can't imagine this is new behavior. My guess is that OP has known all along that this is the same person she married and decided to have a child with. Somehow she thought she'd inspire him or he'd eventually get bored with the video games or some magic would transform him into a real man, not some lazy teenager. What kills me is the shock, anger and frustration.

OP-YOU CHOSE HIM!

OP wrote that she works full time. She had to have seen this coming from this guy. Some people should not get married and should NEVER have kids. My friend married her loser boyfriend who always chose video games and his buddies over her. Now her chooses the games and the buds over her and their daughter and my friend doesn't get why he doesn't step up. She's a moron about him.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would get a job in the evenings. Let HIM take care of the child. Use YOUR money to pay for the things you want.

This is why I was always afraid to be a SAHM.... As much as it appeals to me, I think it creates a very unequal power dynamic in the marriage.

I must have missed something. How is staying at home relevant to this discussion? OP never said she was a SAHM.

OP, I would get a job in the evenings. Let HIM take care of the child. Use YOUR money to pay for the things you want.

This is why I was always afraid to be a SAHM.... As much as it appeals to me, I think it creates a very unequal power dynamic in the marriage.