Anonymous
07/30/2012 22:33
Subject: Re:Ex feeds kids junk constantly, both are gaining weight rapidy
Anonymous wrote:It sounds like stress and anxiety are also big factors. Let's face it, when our worlds are turned upside down, what is the greatest comfort? Food. My heart goes out to you and your girls. I would say something to the therapist, and maybe she/he will have some ideas to help with this.
The suggestion was to talk a lot about healthy eating. Ex has the kids so focused on meeting his needs that I hate that they have to parent themselves around this as well.
We've been getting fruit at the farmer's market for snacks and doing a fair amount of biking and it seems to be having an effect - they seem a bit happier being more active and their clothes are fitting better. Both kids tend to have growth spurts around now so they are leaning out a bit. One has a cavity so eating sweets hurts her tooth.
Anonymous
07/30/2012 22:30
Subject: Re:Ex feeds kids junk constantly, both are gaining weight rapidy
Anonymous wrote:The dynamic of Disney dad and mom who is barely scraping by is not lost on the kids either. Ugh.
Don't beat yourself up about this aspect, OP. This was totally me growing up, and while I loved (LOVED!) the presents/trips/dining options during Dad's weekends, I also noticed very early on that he wasn't so much up for the actual parenting part of the gig. Mom, on the other hand, had my back for anything, anytime -- even the times I didn't necessarily want it. To her credit, she never once said anything directly to me about their incredibly toxic, multi-year divorce proceedings or the subsequent court clashes. She let me figure out for myself what each parent was about. I did, and your kids will too.
Thanks, this helps.
Anonymous
07/30/2012 22:29
Subject: Ex feeds kids junk constantly, both are gaining weight rapidy
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It's about 4 meals a week. Has shifted to all fast food, plus typically candy, ice cream and multiple cups of soda, plus additional snacks and treats during the day. It is enough to cause weight gain. It contradicts everything said by the ped and by the dentist. Being married to a person with mental health issues sucked but him using the kids to either get good feelings or to try to piss me off is no picnic either.
Offer to buy their candy off them. Tell them if they accept it from dad and bring it home, you'll buy it from them.
Like this, thanks.
Anonymous
07/29/2012 20:42
Subject: Re:Ex feeds kids junk constantly, both are gaining weight rapidy
It sounds like stress and anxiety are also big factors. Let's face it, when our worlds are turned upside down, what is the greatest comfort? Food. My heart goes out to you and your girls. I would say something to the therapist, and maybe she/he will have some ideas to help with this.
Anonymous
07/24/2012 20:26
Subject: Re:Ex feeds kids junk constantly, both are gaining weight rapidy
The dynamic of Disney dad and mom who is barely scraping by is not lost on the kids either. Ugh.
Don't beat yourself up about this aspect, OP. This was totally me growing up, and while I loved (LOVED!) the presents/trips/dining options during Dad's weekends, I also noticed very early on that he wasn't so much up for the actual parenting part of the gig. Mom, on the other hand, had my back for anything, anytime -- even the times I didn't necessarily want it. To her credit, she never once said anything directly to me about their incredibly toxic, multi-year divorce proceedings or the subsequent court clashes. She let me figure out for myself what each parent was about. I did, and your kids will too.
Anonymous
07/24/2012 20:13
Subject: Ex feeds kids junk constantly, both are gaining weight rapidy
Anonymous wrote:It's about 4 meals a week. Has shifted to all fast food, plus typically candy, ice cream and multiple cups of soda, plus additional snacks and treats during the day. It is enough to cause weight gain. It contradicts everything said by the ped and by the dentist. Being married to a person with mental health issues sucked but him using the kids to either get good feelings or to try to piss me off is no picnic either.
Offer to buy their candy off them. Tell them if they accept it from dad and bring it home, you'll buy it from them.
Anonymous
07/20/2012 11:20
Subject: Ex feeds kids junk constantly, both are gaining weight rapidy
I really think you need to give up trying to change your ex's behavior, which clearly isn't going to happen. Let him fail. And let the girls get as much love/attachment from him as they can. Focus on influencing and changing your daughters' behavior - that is within your control. Maybe you can address their anxiety that is causing them to overeat, with the help of a therapist?
I'm the pp w/ the ex who does this, and he has custody 1/2 time but I am still able to control the weight gain, btw. That's why I'm wondering if there is something more than your kids just getting junk at his house, like a real tendency to overeat. (Otherwise, I would think at some point they would just get sick of eating crap, or would not be hungry, or something.) Maybe you need to really up the exercise?
I'm the pp w/ the ex who does this, and he has custody 1/2 time but I am still able to control the weight gain, btw. That's why I'm wondering if there is something more than your kids just getting junk at his house, like a real tendency to overeat. (Otherwise, I would think at some point they would just get sick of eating crap, or would not be hungry, or something.) Maybe you need to really up the exercise?
Anonymous
07/19/2012 14:51
Subject: Ex feeds kids junk constantly, both are gaining weight rapidy
There was an agreement that they would eat at home first, they were supposed to go to the playground, not to eat. Don't appreciate the snarky tone or the advice not to enable, obviously I am looking for suggestions as to how not to do so. Yeesh.
Anonymous
07/19/2012 13:27
Subject: Ex feeds kids junk constantly, both are gaining weight rapidy
Anonymous wrote:I wish my kids could eat at home PP, that is no longer in my control.
Other PP, he has been treated/undertreated for depression and ADD for years. He may have PTSD symptoms according to one doc, another said he was a narcissist. It's not a new, small problem that is easily fixed or that he has motivation to fix, alas. He uses the kids to make himself feel happy so there is a real tension with parenting, as in, he doesn't do it. No matter how egregious or dangerous their behavior, he downplays, minimizes and tries to buy them into a state of making him feel happy, and it has gotten worse. That is the main driver of the divorce. So I'm not dealing with someone who was ever a great parent or according to the psych, someone who might actually be able to understand that what they need is different from what he wants. People with personality disorders can't always make that distinction.
Last night was a "healthy dinner" at Subway, chocolate milk and a big bag of chips for each kid. They had already eaten before they left. Oye.
If you know he overfeeds them, why would you feed them before he takes them out? Tell them you will eat with dad when you are out so just have some fruit, light snack now. Also if they ate the bag of chis that come with Subway meals - those are not big bags of chips - there are about 10 chips in a meal. Depending on the sub, there are worse evils then Subway and chocolate milk. I get that nothing he does will be right or acceptable but try and do as much as you can to not enable this.
Anonymous
07/19/2012 12:56
Subject: Ex feeds kids junk constantly, both are gaining weight rapidy
Thanks, we have started walking and biking more and they are in active camps.
Divorce sucks, there is such a loss of control and the kids are so vulnerable. Better this is only part of their lives though I guess.
Divorce sucks, there is such a loss of control and the kids are so vulnerable. Better this is only part of their lives though I guess.
Anonymous
07/19/2012 10:47
Subject: Ex feeds kids junk constantly, both are gaining weight rapidy
Don't forget exercise. Eating is only half of the weight control and health equation. Making sure your kids remain active when they are with you and understand the importance of exercise and fitness will go a long way toward keeping them lean and healthy.
Anonymous
07/19/2012 09:21
Subject: Ex feeds kids junk constantly, both are gaining weight rapidy
I wish my kids could eat at home PP, that is no longer in my control.
Other PP, he has been treated/undertreated for depression and ADD for years. He may have PTSD symptoms according to one doc, another said he was a narcissist. It's not a new, small problem that is easily fixed or that he has motivation to fix, alas. He uses the kids to make himself feel happy so there is a real tension with parenting, as in, he doesn't do it. No matter how egregious or dangerous their behavior, he downplays, minimizes and tries to buy them into a state of making him feel happy, and it has gotten worse. That is the main driver of the divorce. So I'm not dealing with someone who was ever a great parent or according to the psych, someone who might actually be able to understand that what they need is different from what he wants. People with personality disorders can't always make that distinction.
Last night was a "healthy dinner" at Subway, chocolate milk and a big bag of chips for each kid. They had already eaten before they left. Oye.
Other PP, he has been treated/undertreated for depression and ADD for years. He may have PTSD symptoms according to one doc, another said he was a narcissist. It's not a new, small problem that is easily fixed or that he has motivation to fix, alas. He uses the kids to make himself feel happy so there is a real tension with parenting, as in, he doesn't do it. No matter how egregious or dangerous their behavior, he downplays, minimizes and tries to buy them into a state of making him feel happy, and it has gotten worse. That is the main driver of the divorce. So I'm not dealing with someone who was ever a great parent or according to the psych, someone who might actually be able to understand that what they need is different from what he wants. People with personality disorders can't always make that distinction.
Last night was a "healthy dinner" at Subway, chocolate milk and a big bag of chips for each kid. They had already eaten before they left. Oye.
Anonymous
07/19/2012 09:06
Subject: Ex feeds kids junk constantly, both are gaining weight rapidy
Anonymous wrote: He was a bit more engaged even a few months ago and spent about twice as much time in the 3 visits. He also seems to be gaining weight rapidly, no idea what is up with that. If he's depressed or something, too bad, but the Disney dad path of least resistance parenting is not ok. If they act up at all he will call and say he is bringing them back. He used to manage a bit better.
Unfortunately, you can't just write him off like that. You need to know what is going on with him because it is affecting the girls. You don't necessarily need to be the one to talk to him about it if you think it's going to blow up, but maybe your lawyer could talk to his about you concerns. Concerns, not state of being pissed off at him, both because that's not his problem and because you said that he will do the opposite of whatever rules you lay down.
Find out what has changed and see if he can change it himself or if he needs to get help.
Also, talk to the girls about health, not weight. If they see eating well and exercising as things you do to take care of yourself and feel good, they are much more likely to do it when you're not around and when you are. Don't make their weight the goal; make their habits the goal.
Anonymous
07/18/2012 00:16
Subject: Ex feeds kids junk constantly, both are gaining weight rapidy
Even "healthy" eating out, unless you are eating a low cal sandwich or salad, usually consists of a meal that is high in calories, fat or sodium. Personally, I think it is important to eat the majority of meals at home with your kids and set a routine of eating together at the table. There is an obesity problem in this country and it all boils down to poor food choices and inactivity.