OP - enjoy your new baby!

I have no experience on either side of adoption, but I suggest that you consider seeing a therapist for a while when your baby comes. You may want someone to talk to about these feelings and conflicts, and a new baby - whether or not you birth him - is going to make your emotions go wild. I have a friend who brought her baby to therapy with her - they usually just sleep! Just an idea.

Good luck!

OP here,
23:46 that crossed my mind too, She told the agency she was going to file a police report but she found it to invasive so she didn't. I will probably never know if its the truth or not.

On a side note.............went to babies r us and target tonight....spend almost $400 and we dont get him for a few more days!

Adoptive parent here ---- I have limited info on birthparents & won't share that with my little one until old enough. But several years in I occassionially get questions (last one was from someone I barely know thro work) like: Why was she given up for adoption?

You need stock answer that comes right out even when you are shocked --
I say: That's private information for just my child to know.

Person I barely know through work had shocked look on face when I said that so I repeated it & that was that.

People are very nosy about adoption & for the sake of your child, you have to cut it off.

OP,

This has come up before. Maybe the birth mother is lying and doesn't want to ID the father. Was their a police report? There was a long thread on this, from the mother of an older child whose mother said she was raped.

Anonymous wrote:People do not need to know this information. This is private family business. Do not share any of your child's business with people outside the family. When child gets older, this is his or her private information and she can choose to share it with whomever he or she chooses. But don't take this choice away from them.

I completely agree.

Anyone who asks deserves a surprised look (raised eyebrow is good), with the response, "why do you ask? that is very personal information."

Anonymous wrote:Op here, thank you everyone.

So I called my Mom today and told her, She asked why the baby was given up, I said the birth Mom has 3 young children already and didnt know the birth father so decided this child would be better off being adopted. My Mom said "how sad he wont grow up with his siblings"..to which I replied, he will, because were doing an open adoption and he wil know he has siblings and will get pictures and visitations etc.
Thats what my Mom is like, shes happy for us, but old school and thinks its terrible Mothers give up their babies.

We will keep the rape portion quiet, we haven't told anyone.
Because its an open adoption we wil see how the birth mom wants to handle that question when hes older.

You did the right thing, OP. I'm in my 40s and just met my birthmother. She won't tell me who the birthfather is -- says she doesn't remember - but I strongly suspect rape (for reasons that aren't appropriate to share). It really is her story, and I respect that, and I'm honestly not sure how I would feel if she ever does confirm my suspicions. Even at 40+ that would be hard to hear. You don't want to assume your DC will feel as I do (all of us are different), but it's definitely something to save for when s/he is older.

Congratulations on your DC!!

I didn't read all the responses but:
My father was not in the position to parent so I was adopted by another dad.

My biological father raped his mentally disabled nieces, both of the, before they were 21 (he was an adult) and served 15 years in jail and is a registered sex offender.

How did I find out? Newspaper clipping at grandmother's house. I was 17. Yeah, it freaks/grosses me out but on the other hand, I'm normal, healthy, and sane (and female).

Bless you, your family, and that birth mom who made the harder of two choices.

Op here, thank you everyone.

So I called my Mom today and told her, She asked why the baby was given up, I said the birth Mom has 3 young children already and didnt know the birth father so decided this child would be better off being adopted. My Mom said "how sad he wont grow up with his siblings"..to which I replied, he will, because were doing an open adoption and he wil know he has siblings and will get pictures and visitations etc.
Thats what my Mom is like, shes happy for us, but old school and thinks its terrible Mothers give up their babies.

We will keep the rape portion quiet, we haven't told anyone.
Because its an open adoption we wil see how the birth mom wants to handle that question when hes older.

Anonymous wrote:I don't get this at all, OP. Am I missing something? Why are you so keen to pass this story on to ANYONE?

Because she says her mom won't respect the birth mother is she doesn't know.

Wow, I'm surprised at all these answers suggesting never to tell. I'm an adult adoptee and while I can only guess how I would feel to learn something like this, I probably would be more pissed that my parents never told me. I agree that it's inappropriate to tell a child this, but as an adult, I think I have the right to ALL of my history, no matter how painful that is.

OP, I do agree that you should not tell anyone other than your child this. Even if the story was more typical, an adopted child has the right to share or not share with anyone else. Don't take that away from him or her.

I would suggest you seek some adoption counseling to guide you whether you tell your child this and if you do tell, when and how. Good luck!

Adoptive parent here. On the question of whether to tell others, I agree that there is no reason to tell anyone including your mother. Quite simply, it's your child's story, not yours, and it's not fair for you to share it without his knowledge.

On whether to tell the child, I think it could go either way. Your child will be curious about who his birth parents were and why they could not take care of him. Vague generalities won't do. I think you might be able to come up with an appropriate way to say that the birth mother couldn't take care of him herself and so she came up with a plan to find parents who could take care of him and be his forever family, without mentioning the sexual assault.

In my experience asking adult adoptees, boys tend to be less interested in their birth parents so he may never want a more detailed explanation. Of course, if he does want to know, or chooses to contact the birth mother and she tells him, I think I would tell rather than lie about it.

please don't share those details of your child's birthparents. I am (was) in a similar situation as you with an overbearing mother and some negative birthmother information. In our case, drugs and alcohol were in our child's system when born. We decided before our child was even born that that information will NEVER be shared with anyone outside of doctors who need to know (and our child when appropriate).

We told our mom general information. the BM and BF's ages, what state they lived in and that we had very little details about anything else. It satisfied our families.

I suggest you give maybe age, state, and say "we don't know much about the father" If they insist, you can add, we are respecting the BM's wishes and do not know anything about the father. That way, it leaves it ope about whether it's an exboyfriend, or something else. Seriously, please do not share that information with anyone.

Parents should do everything in their power to protect and nurture their child's emotional well-being. Being brutally honest about this will not support your child. This is a secret you must take to your grave.

Keep in mind that you may see the child as a "child of rape" but the child will see him/herself as "the child of a rapist."

I don't get this at all, OP. Am I missing something? Why are you so keen to pass this story on to ANYONE? You could do serious harm to your child by passing this information on to him/her. If anything, let his/her birthmother be the one to tell this story, and if your child comes to you and asks why you never said anything, say that you wanted to protect them. You really need to get this notion of openness about this topic out of your head. Don't tell your relatives, for goodness sake! My God...

We have adopted 3 kids, btw, and have open adoptions with their birthmothers. There are things in their history that I will never tell them (like how one birthfather held a knife up to birthmother's neck).