Trying to follow the timing...how long has this (the really bad, sustained, daily beast behavior; not the sporadic normal preschooler misbehavior) been going on, OP? 6 months?

Trying to follow the timing...how long has this (the really bad, sustained, daily beast behavior; not the sporadic normal preschooler misbehavior) been going on, OP? 6 months?

A one year takes a lot more attention then a 4 year old. She gets your undivided attention when she acts out. Good or bad she gets your attention. You might want to try some special time together..like taking her shopping without the little one around and letting her pick the new stuff. She understands she is not the center of your world any more, but she does not know what to do. So she is upset. She has lost her mommy to the one year old. My sister did this to her two boys. Over time, it is sad to see how she treats each one so differently. Get some help and try playing with her more(without the little one)

Around that time, my older DD took a left turn and became this miserable uncooperative being. I would stand in front of a moving train for this child, but I literally do not like being around her. She makes life completely miserable for her dad, her little sister and me. Her most common statements are "I don't want to!!" or "I hate that!" She never wants the baby in her room for even a second and will literally slam the door in her face. She doesn't want to share anything ever, in fact doesn't even want her sister to LOOK at her sometimes.

She is completely uncooperative with: getting dressed, going to the potty when it wasn't her idea (ie: if its bedtime or we're leaving the house), getting undressed, getting in carseat, getting on sunscreen, picking up toys, coming to the meal table.

I think the suggestions already made about seeing a family therapist, parenting playgroups, etc. are good ones. One other thing you may want to consider is seeing a therapist individually to help you deal with your feelings about the situation. My 3 year old son can be very very difficult in similar ways and it was driving me crazy. I went to see a therapist and he helped me work on being less emotionally invested in whether my child was doing what I asked. I feel much less miserable now, and when I am able to give a more flat, unemotional response to my son's misbehavior, he's a bit more likely to do what I ask. I wasn't yelling or screaming at him before, but I definitely did have an emotional investment in whether he put on his shoes etc. when I asked him, and he was feeding off of it.

Anonymous wrote:You can try just eating natural for a week - no processed foods or drinks. It takes a little more work but saves you from diet type restrictions as there are still many options.

If that makes no difference try cutting out dairy for a week. If that doesn't make a difference try cutting out gluten for a week.

For some kids these foods have no impact on their behavior and for other kids they do. Worth a try!

I agree with this - Whole foods for a week - I also did only whole grains - low carb/high fat basically.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:also - have you looked at her diet? I have a friend who removed food dyes from diet and it made a HUGE difference in behavior. (I do not know why -but Red is the big one which is in Jelly, some cereals, jello etc.)

Second this. I don't know why, but I read your post, and I immediately thought "diet."

Other than that, I just want to say hang in there, OP. It sounds like you are truly doing your best with a very difficult situation. This must be so freaking difficult. :hugs:

Other than red dye, what should I avoid?

Read about the Feinhold diet. We did this diet and now have maintained the things that really affect him badly.

Take a deep breath. General Parenting may not be the best forum for this discussion. The special needs forum have parents that hae BTDT.

I could have written your post when my son was 3. then 4 then 5 then ...

I did not get a real good diagnosis until he was about 9. There were so many things going on.

Diet, discipline (not the kind other parents do - the kind that is good for him), tutors, therapists. It sounds like so much but it really becomes managable after you sort of figure it out.

First I would find a famliy therapist for you and your husband to discuss the issues and come up with a plan. My therapist really did not see kids this young so for years it was just us and the therapist.

My son ended up seeing a therapist for about 6 months when he was 9ish which was a great experience in his personal growth.

You have a whole lot of stuff going on and your daughter is basically telling you - hey something is not right.

A doctor from Johns Hopkins told me to keep asking questions until I felt like I had a story that fit my son. We have the story and now can act accordingly.

Stay strong!

Please reach out to Positive Playgroups. I think they can be a good solution for your family. Everyone who has taken a class there raves about it.

You can try just eating natural for a week - no processed foods or drinks. It takes a little more work but saves you from diet type restrictions as there are still many options.

If that makes no difference try cutting out dairy for a week. If that doesn't make a difference try cutting out gluten for a week.

For some kids these foods have no impact on their behavior and for other kids they do. Worth a try!

I second lack of sleep theory. Is it possible to reintroduce nap time at least some days?
Also, it seems like being strict is not working, huh? What about one on one time, and being I don't know, softer? With her?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:also - have you looked at her diet? I have a friend who removed food dyes from diet and it made a HUGE difference in behavior. (I do not know why -but Red is the big one which is in Jelly, some cereals, jello etc.)

Second this. I don't know why, but I read your post, and I immediately thought "diet."

Other than that, I just want to say hang in there, OP. It sounds like you are truly doing your best with a very difficult situation. This must be so freaking difficult. :hugs:

Other than red dye, what should I avoid?

Good question -- I don't know enough about pediatric nutrition or elimination diets to answer for sure. I've heard good things about the Feingold diet, and Kelly Dorfman's book "What's Eating Your Child?" You might want to start there. If you can stomach (hee) yet another doc's involvement, you might ask for a referral to a pediatric nutritionist.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Around that time, my older DD took a left turn and became this miserable uncooperative being. I would stand in front of a moving train for this child, but I literally do not like being around her. She makes life completely miserable for her dad, her little sister and me. Her most common statements are "I don't want to!!" or "I hate that!" She never wants the baby in her room for even a second and will literally slam the door in her face. She doesn't want to share anything ever, in fact doesn't even want her sister to LOOK at her sometimes. She is completely uncooperative with: getting dressed, going to the potty when it wasn't her idea (ie: if its bedtime or we're leaving the house), getting undressed, getting in carseat, getting on sunscreen, picking up toys, coming to the meal table.

You are not permissive...except you allow your 4 yr old to slam the door on her baby sister?

There should either be no door for her to slam or something to block the door so she can not in fact close it all the way (they sell them in stores in the baby proofing aisle)

Every single time she says "I don't want to", you get down in her face, look her in the eye and say very firmly "Do <insert action> now" Use less words. Use less explanation. You need to be in control because your DD is not capable of it. She needs someone to help her regulate herself.

Look into sensory processing issues.

I would ignore this poster.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:also - have you looked at her diet? I have a friend who removed food dyes from diet and it made a HUGE difference in behavior. (I do not know why -but Red is the big one which is in Jelly, some cereals, jello etc.)

Second this. I don't know why, but I read your post, and I immediately thought "diet."

Other than that, I just want to say hang in there, OP. It sounds like you are truly doing your best with a very difficult situation. This must be so freaking difficult. :hugs:

Other than red dye, what should I avoid?

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if she is maybe chronically sleep deprived? How many hours of sleep is she getting and does it seem like uninterrupted sleep? If tired maybe she can hold it together at school but not at home?

Maybe have a sleep test done to see if her sleep patterns are normal.

Most nights it is 10. Sometimes 9.5, rarely she'll sleep 11-11.5. It does not seem disrupted that I can tell. Also, she will fall often fall asleep in the car if we drive more than 10-15 minutes between 4-5pm.

Anonymous wrote:also - have you looked at her diet? I have a friend who removed food dyes from diet and it made a HUGE difference in behavior. (I do not know why -but Red is the big one which is in Jelly, some cereals, jello etc.)

Second this. I don't know why, but I read your post, and I immediately thought "diet."

Other than that, I just want to say hang in there, OP. It sounds like you are truly doing your best with a very difficult situation. This must be so freaking difficult. :hugs:

I wonder if she is maybe chronically sleep deprived? How many hours of sleep is she getting and does it seem like uninterrupted sleep? If tired maybe she can hold it together at school but not at home?

Maybe have a sleep test done to see if her sleep patterns are normal.