Being able to compartmentalize is usually necessary in order to continue an affair. As someone who has BTDT, I can tell you that you get obsessed on talking about it with whomever you share it with, especially if its just one friend, because you can stretch the compartment into another part of your life... I can't imagine having another affair, however. It was so traumatic and so really just not worth the drama or pain I caused. I worried all the time that I was a complete narcissist because while it was happening I was consumed with why doesn't affair person love me thoughts rather than omg, my poor DH thoughts. I was a little reassured by the fact that if you think you are a narcissist, you aren't, because you are actually somewhat self-aware. Anyway, it all changed once I got caught out. But your friend's lack of ability to even perceive her shortcomings in these situations is just remarkable. She seems to crave excitement and drama, and is purposefully taking risks. I would stay away, it is headed somewhere ugly, and you will only be dragged in more/leaned on more heavily if you don't make your feelings about her behavior clear.

OP here - to clarify, I've known her since childhood, but would not consider her a close friend. We've gone for years with no contact, get back in touch from time to time. But I don't know her kids well, have only met them a few times, and I certainly don't count on her for the support a good friend lends. Basically she gets back in touch with me when she has drama in her life, which has been a lot as of late.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm shocked at the number of people that give up on friendships here. I mean, you can choose not make new crazy friends, but I would never give up on a friend I've had since childhood. That's just as bad a character flaw as having an affair in my book. If your friend is really hurting and damaged and you were really her friend then I would try to help.

I disagree. I tried to be a "good friend" to a self-destructive person like this for 2 years, and it finally got the point where I dreaded her calls, never wanted to go out with her, and she really was just using me for a sounding board or a wing-man for going out. She stopped caring for her kids' welfare, and will likely lose them in her divorce to an ex who is a perfectly awful man, but takes better care of their basic needs (uh, food? clothing?) than she did. It got to the point where it made my stomach hurt to be so close to a person totally off the rails, and who didn't think she had a problem. I'm sure she thinks I'm a bitch now, but I need less drama in my life as a single mom, not more.

Cut your losses, OP, and circle the wagons around your own family.

But it sounds like that was a new friend. I can't help but think of childhood friends as family. I wouldn't be able to give up on a friendship of 18 years or so, but two years, yes I would agree to jump ship.

Anonymous wrote:I'm shocked at the number of people that give up on friendships here. I mean, you can choose not make new crazy friends, but I would never give up on a friend I've had since childhood. That's just as bad a character flaw as having an affair in my book. If your friend is really hurting and damaged and you were really her friend then I would try to help.

I disagree. I tried to be a "good friend" to a self-destructive person like this for 2 years, and it finally got the point where I dreaded her calls, never wanted to go out with her, and she really was just using me for a sounding board or a wing-man for going out. She stopped caring for her kids' welfare, and will likely lose them in her divorce to an ex who is a perfectly awful man, but takes better care of their basic needs (uh, food? clothing?) than she did. It got to the point where it made my stomach hurt to be so close to a person totally off the rails, and who didn't think she had a problem. I'm sure she thinks I'm a bitch now, but I need less drama in my life as a single mom, not more.

Cut your losses, OP, and circle the wagons around your own family.

I'm shocked at the number of people that give up on friendships here. I mean, you can choose not make new crazy friends, but I would never give up on a friend I've had since childhood. That's just as bad a character flaw as having an affair in my book. If your friend is really hurting and damaged and you were really her friend then I would try to help.

OP, you can say something or just do the fade. She is using you as an audience and nothing you will do with make the slightest difference, so protect yourself.

I am a lesbian mom and ran into a lesbian mom acquaintance at the park one day. She told me that her kids are in play therapy (overshare) because of her having an affair with her male boss and it causing a separation. I expressed shocked concern for the kids and started to gather up my stuff to flee, and she tried to corner me to tell me all about him!

These people literally have no shame and kids were just another in a line of diversions that didn't make the bleakness inside go away. Do whatever you are most comfortable with, you will not get through to her. If you are at all friendly with her husband you might invite him and the kids over when the inevitable crash comes.

Damaged people are scary.

Anonymous wrote:Now that you are an adult, you can behave like one. Distance yourself and when she asks why, you can simply tell her that you are not comfortable being friends with someone who has no qualms about cheating on her husband. That's it.

I agree. She's living in a fantasy and needs to see the whole truth of the situation. Dumping her won't be enough to make her stop, but you'd be showing her there are real (painful) consequences to this behavior. She is interpreting your acquiescence as an endorsement.

Ugh. I agree that it is a sign that something is very off. If you are close to the kids I might try to have them over for playdates but I would say you are not comfortable hearing about these relationships or that she is having them and distance yourself. I knew someone like this once and she was BAD news. Her husband divorced her ultimately and has primary custody of the kids. When friends wouldn't listen about her dramas and problems, she turned to her kids. These people are messed up and YES, talking to you about it is part of it for her. Yuck. Make her find someone else.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe in situations like this the person in question has a personality disorder and mental health issues. The complete lack of empathy and the narcissism...it's astounding..

OP here. I think there must be something, because her reaction to my "what about your husband and kids" has been pretty chilling. The only emotion she shows is in a "why doesn't he love me" way with Affair No. 1 and what can she do to get Guy No. 2 to stop dating the (single) woman he's been seeing.

I've suggested she see a therapist and she scoffs at the idea saying she doesn't need therapy.

Actually another possible indicator of a personality disorder.

Bail. She is sucking you into her drama thus making it more exciting for herself without regard to your feelings or emotional energy.

I'm willing to bet that you are a good friend to many, and my advice would be to say your piece to this old friend, and let her go. Then you are emotionally free to be there for your family and friends who do not take advantage of you in this way. And make no mistake, she is using you. Very sad situation, but ultimately not your problem OP. GL.

You can bail on her, or if she really has been a life long friend maybe you can actually help her find what she is missing and help her work on it. Its in no way your job to do so, but I know I wouldn't be willing to bail on a friend because she's obviously having issues in her life.

Anonymous wrote:Interesting that her kids describe her as being "short" with them. I read an article that an affair is just one more way we as a culture can get the instant gratification we demand, and that the result of seeking and getting instant gratification is that the person having the affair is inpatient and frustrated more outside of the affair relationship.

Man, sounds awful. I am inpatient and frustrated enough in life without having more baggage to contribute to that.

I think an affair is splitting yourself - which means you are not whole. I don't think you can be deceptive and selfish in one area of your life and then magically be great to other people, or yourself.

I'd like to read that article. Can you give me more info or a link?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I barely have time to have sex with my own husband. I can't imagine making the time to have sex with two other men.

She is broken OP. Stay away.

OP here - you know, sadly that has been one of my thoughts, that I wish I had that kind of free time.

As someone who has BTDT, I can assure you she has no more free time than the next person, you just make time for the things that matter to you, right or wrong.

Interesting that her kids describe her as being "short" with them. I read an article that an affair is just one more way we as a culture can get the instant gratification we demand, and that the result of seeking and getting instant gratification is that the person having the affair is inpatient and frustrated more outside of the affair relationship.

Man, sounds awful. I am inpatient and frustrated enough in life without having more baggage to contribute to that.

I think an affair is splitting yourself - which means you are not whole. I don't think you can be deceptive and selfish in one area of your life and then magically be great to other people, or yourself.

Anonymous wrote:I barely have time to have sex with my own husband. I can't imagine making the time to have sex with two other men.

She is broken OP. Stay away.

OP here - you know, sadly that has been one of my thoughts, that I wish I had that kind of free time.