OP, you have described my 4 year old's behavior to the tee. What you are doing about is not working for me either.

To me this is harder than the terrible two's, which were for us not that terrible.

Totally normal, though. Hope it passes soon.

Anonymous wrote:OP again. So 14:24. What do you do as a punishment that actually works (as my time-out strategy apparent does not)?

Well our first rule is that she NEVER EVER gets what she had a tantrum over. Even if she calms herself down later, even if she apologizes. If she had a fit for not having the right cup, for example, said cup is now off limits. If she has another fit for the cup being off limits, the cup goes to the trash (we only had to actually throw one item - a toy - in the trash for this).

Second rule is we never debate the subject. I do not owe my child an explanation of my parenting choices. She is not a co-parent. If she wants to talk about something, I'm all ears. But if she has a tantrum over it, then there is no conversation and what I said goes.

Third and final rule is we never buy into the emotional drama. The car not being parked a certain way is not a reason for apologies, emotional distress or reasoning attempts. There are things that happen that truly upset my child and I always acknowledge them (a child saying she is no longer her friend, not getting to the park early enough to meet a friend.) In those cases I let her know her feelings are valid and I wish that hadn't happen either. But when it's a control/power issue that sets her off, that's all on her. She doesn't, after all, rule the house.

Fight fire with fire.

Why do most kids stop biting if they are biters? Most common answer is: because they get bit back!

When they go bonkers, put on the Drill Instructor voice and calm the situation.

Anonymous wrote:Sadly, our 4 yo DD is similar. Very similar. My mother tells me I was the same at that age. (Lovely at 3 and 5 but a beast at 4.)

We've had some success using a sticker chart to incentivize DD to notice when she's getting worked up (approaching or starting a meltdown) and then correcting herself (calming down). It's not easy -- we've been working on it a lot -- noticing it, trying different ways to calm down, practicing it in non-meldown moments, praising good calming down when it happens etc. But slowly it's been working.

Though I was at first opposed to rewarding what I saw to be regular behavior (not freaking out when things didn't go her way), I realize it's actually a new skill for her -- something she needs to learn and practice. So I read a book called, "Parenting the Defiant Child" by Alan Kazdin. Not that I think DD is particularly defiant. She seems like a normal 4 yo (her friends pull the same crap when they don't get what they want). But the book does a great job of explaining HOW to design and implement a reward program that actually works. It's not quite as simple as slapping a few stickers on a chart and giving DD a prize.

I[b]t also helps for DH and I to stay super calm ourselves. Not always easy, so last month DD and I did the "calm down when we're getting upset" sticker chart together. It was a good reminder to me to notice my frustration and keep my cool. I earned some stickers and DD thought is was awesome.

Good luck!

I think this is brilliant-- a sticker chart for the grown-ups! I love it and will try it with my meltdown-prone 4-year-old!

Sadly, our 4 yo DD is similar. Very similar. My mother tells me I was the same at that age. (Lovely at 3 and 5 but a beast at 4.)

We've had some success using a sticker chart to incentivize DD to notice when she's getting worked up (approaching or starting a meltdown) and then correcting herself (calming down). It's not easy -- we've been working on it a lot -- noticing it, trying different ways to calm down, practicing it in non-meldown moments, praising good calming down when it happens etc. But slowly it's been working.

Though I was at first opposed to rewarding what I saw to be regular behavior (not freaking out when things didn't go her way), I realize it's actually a new skill for her -- something she needs to learn and practice. So I read a book called, "Parenting the Defiant Child" by Alan Kazdin. Not that I think DD is particularly defiant. She seems like a normal 4 yo (her friends pull the same crap when they don't get what they want). But the book does a great job of explaining HOW to design and implement a reward program that actually works. It's not quite as simple as slapping a few stickers on a chart and giving DD a prize.

It also helps for DH and I to stay super calm ourselves. Not always easy, so last month DD and I did the "calm down when we're getting upset" sticker chart together. It was a good reminder to me to notice my frustration and keep my cool. I earned some stickers and DD thought is was awesome.

Good luck!

Anonymous wrote:We have a 4 y/o boy and several times a day, I silently repeat something to myself that someone once told me: "I never met a 4 year old I liked".

It helps me to know that in general, 4 year olds are rough. I can't believe anyone would want to teach a bunch of them every day in daycare/school!

As someone who has taught a bunch of 4 year olds I can say that they typically behave better for teachers and other adults in their lives. Tantrums happen to parents because children are expected to cope all day and when they are worn down they take it out on the people they care for and trust most!

It also seems as if OP's 4 year old is dealing with change and trying to find control. Keep doing what you are doing OP, it sounds like you covered all the bases (acknowledging her feelings letting her clam down to talk about it...) If there are situations where you see a tantrum coming and you can offer her choices that might help. Good Luck!

Anonymous wrote:I would say it is normal for a 4yo. I have a son that has "issues" and it was told to me that at 4 it is normal but since he was almost 6 it was not.

Either way, I think the 2nd part of Magic 1-2-3 - how to start good behavior would be helpful.

I keep meaning to watch the Magic 1-2-3 DVD and haven't. Probably need to find the time...