Anonymous wrote:

I wish my husband would be receptive to therapy. He has tried it but on some level I really don't think he wants to change his crazy work cycle because it gives him good results. He is a very convincing arguer so it is hard to get him to see that all of that internal anguish is actually a distraction to his productivity, not an essential part of it!

10:09 here. Here's the thing. Right now, his internal anguish is an essential part of it, because he's never learned another way. And because at this point his brain is kind of wired to experience these things--maybe he needs the stimulation of fear, anxiety to allow him to get beyond the barriers of self-doubt and be creative. The issue is that it is soul-killing for your marriage. Perhaps if he understood the real impact on you, that it damages you and not just him, he'd be more receptive? I also think that this kind of behavior pattern probably responds better to cognitive behavior therapy, not sure he's tried that.

in the meantime, I am doing my best to do things for myself and maintain some emotional independence. This weekend I got some exercise, did some cooking, took the kids out and just enjoyed time with them as much as possible and gave DH some space. the more I worry about his stress, the more stressed we both are. I can't control his behavior, only mine so I'm working on that.

Good luck to you....

Well said. You can see from the way you explain things that you 'get it'. We each have our own issues and our reasons for those issues. But instead of worrying about the things you can not control, you are living your life as it currently stands and living it for you.

You have no idea how unique that is.

God, PP. You are on to something. Thank you so much. The work is sooo cyclical by nature so i never really considered bipolar but it is a great hypothesis.

And to 10:09: YOU SUMMED IT UP with this:
". Right now, his internal anguish is an essential part of it, because he's never learned another way. And because at this point his brain is kind of wired to experience these things--maybe he needs the stimulation of fear, anxiety to allow him to get beyond the barriers of self-doubt and be creative. The issue is that it is soul-killing for your marriage."

You get it. And I like your approach in your own marriage too.

Thank you so much

I wish my husband would be receptive to therapy. He has tried it but on some level I really don't think he wants to change his crazy work cycle because it gives him good results. He is a very convincing arguer so it is hard to get him to see that all of that internal anguish is actually a distraction to his productivity, not an essential part of it!

10:09 here. Here's the thing. Right now, his internal anguish is an essential part of it, because he's never learned another way. And because at this point his brain is kind of wired to experience these things--maybe he needs the stimulation of fear, anxiety to allow him to get beyond the barriers of self-doubt and be creative. The issue is that it is soul-killing for your marriage. Perhaps if he understood the real impact on you, that it damages you and not just him, he'd be more receptive? I also think that this kind of behavior pattern probably responds better to cognitive behavior therapy, not sure he's tried that.

in the meantime, I am doing my best to do things for myself and maintain some emotional independence. This weekend I got some exercise, did some cooking, took the kids out and just enjoyed time with them as much as possible and gave DH some space. the more I worry about his stress, the more stressed we both are. I can't control his behavior, only mine so I'm working on that.

Good luck to you....

No one has mentioned this, but could he have bipolar disorder? You talk about cyclical depression, and in between, when he is up, having big ideas and such (very creative, etc.). Bipolar can be a bit milder where the ideas they come up with are not completely off the wall, just extremely creative and could easily be seen as an asset in the right work environment. Do you notice that in his good times he has all this creative energy and spends a lot of time working and being driven by these ideas, etc...like he is pretty "up" and being driven by an internal energy? Then when he's down he is really down and can't get out of his own way, very shut down, etc. - well that you described already. It even seems that you know it is about every 6 weeks. That is pretty specific to be just regular depression, it does sound cyclical quite predictably and that is a symptom of bipolar. Like I said, bipolar does not mean you have to be completely crazy-acting or nonsensical when in the manic phase, some are just very creative and more "up" in the manic phase. I have known several people with bipolar and have a family member who is a psychologist, so have a bit of insight here....it just sounds possible....

I have a DH with the same problem, the same job stress but he's had to stay at that job, depression, etc., except for the cyclical part. When he is depressed/anxious, he goes into that hole where he is hardly reachable. I know what you are going through. This has gone on for 5 years now. For us it is a combination of things, and I think it is for anyone describing what you are talking about. It isn't just situational - it is situational making it worse, but the person still has depression (or in your case may have bipolar depression). My DH finally tried a couple different meds and found one that helped (but didn't fix it all because it has multiple causes). He has been having counseling and couples counseling as well. We also treated his sleep apnea - which I have to say to everyone - if there is any suspicion of sleep apnea - definitely get that taken care of!!! If you never go into REM or deep sleep due to small awakenings all night long (like 50 per hour!) you are going to be depressed and have big cognitive/emotional problems All of those things have helped, but the job still affected him. However, he has been better able to manage it and start learning how to manage stress better and change his patterns that contribute to his stress, etc. He never would have been able to do that (change his thinking, learn things, etc.) without sleep apnea tretment and medication first. Now he is not longer at that job, we ultimately knew that had to happen too, and he is handling that better than he would have prior to all this treatment.

Hope this helps, OP. By the way, he should see a psychiatrist, which is an MD, to diagnose mild bipolar, or even to treat his depression/anxiety. Psychologists can only do talk therapy, and bipolar usually needs medication. Also, bad depression or anxiety often needs medication, and sometimes that is why talk therapy doesn't help at first (can help after meds). Just mentioned that because some people don't know the difference between psychologists and psychiatrists. If he is cyclical, you may not want to just try any anti-depressant your family doc gives him, because if he is bipolar that can make it worse sometimes. Best to let a psychiatrist sort it out.

Anonymous wrote:This also described my DH, to a tee, although is issues are adult ADD (finally diagnosed, but he wont' see a therapist, takes meds which don't seem to help). Hs job stress is due to having a horrible job, boss, atmosphere and yet worrying he will lose it and his track record will prevent him getting another one (his third in 18 months). I work full time, 2 small kids, and we are not okayfinancially without DH's income so we are both stressed. Neither of us sleep for various reasons and we are not at our best right now.

The issue with your husband, seems to me, isn't your job but it is his internal sense of worth. He sounds like me when I was in grad school--felt like a fraud all the time, procrastinated, finally "pulled it off" but was always convinced someone would figure out it was bs. The anxiety I felt was terrible. Seeing a therapist helped me figure out the real sources of the perfectionism and self doubt, and that helpedwith the depression and work/life balance.

Thank you PP. This was a nice note. I hope things get better for you. I really do.
I wish my husband would be receptive to therapy. He has tried it but on some level I really don't think he wants to change his crazy work cycle because it gives him good results. He is a very convincing arguer so it is hard to get him to see that all of that internal anguish is actually a distraction to his productivity, not an essential part of it!

It helps me to think of him as an artist--big mood swings, highly creative, period when he is in the zone and times he is flailing. It is hard to imagine most artists (writiers etc) successfully managing these ups and downs because it is so much a part of them, you know?

This also described my DH, to a tee, although is issues are adult ADD (finally diagnosed, but he wont' see a therapist, takes meds which don't seem to help). Hs job stress is due to having a horrible job, boss, atmosphere and yet worrying he will lose it and his track record will prevent him getting another one (his third in 18 months). I work full time, 2 small kids, and we are not okayfinancially without DH's income so we are both stressed. Neither of us sleep for various reasons and we are not at our best right now.

The issue with your husband, seems to me, isn't your job but it is his internal sense of worth. He sounds like me when I was in grad school--felt like a fraud all the time, procrastinated, finally "pulled it off" but was always convinced someone would figure out it was bs. The anxiety I felt was terrible. Seeing a therapist helped me figure out the real sources of the perfectionism and self doubt, and that helpedwith the depression and work/life balance.