Hire somebody to help and hand him the bill. You don't train people you rain puppies

Sad to say, but if you've already established a dynamic, it'll be hard to turn it around. I don't believe you train people or change people. If people are motivated they do it themselves.

have a conversation about baby #2. Maybe he's fine with one. If he's not, maybe understanding your workload and the inequity will change his helping habits.

PS If he had a dynamic where his mummy did everything, that may be why he's expecting it from you. Women who raise mommas' boys who don't do it for themselves wreck it for them and their future spouses.

TSFG needs to go back to the explicit forum. He knows so much about everything!

Thank you 12:04, a good reminder. I really am much better about neither criticizing nor micromanaging DH, but I still do it on occasion. I am also better about not helping out as much. I used to run around the house every morning helping him look for cell phone, keys, etc.while every time saying "you should put them in the same place every day." Then I realized that he was not even bothering to look for them. He'd come downstairs and ask me "have you seen my X" before he even started to look. So I stopped helping and would say "sorry I haven't' (even when I knew where they were).

I also reduced my expectations. I decided that either I could get really resentful of doing more, or I could ask DH to do more, with some success, or I could do less. I found a combination of the latter two to work out.For example, lately, I have been too busy to make dinner every night--in additon to mucho f the cleaning, childcare and all the financies, Id o all the cooking (DH does the shopping, we split dishes). So instead of getting resentful about this, , I just said "I'm really too busy to cook dinner every night these days. Maybe you can help me out in some way, either making some dinners or buying ready made stuff." I did not tell him what to make, or when to make it, but asked for some help. So this weekend, he bought a bunch of stuff that was more or less premade (trader joes) and stuff to make lasanga (one of the few dishes he makes).

The key is not to start out critical, but to start out asking for help. I know I am much more receptive if I feel like I am being asked rather than criticized.

I think the biggest thing I have learned (DH is quite well trained) is that, like housetraining a puppy, it's as much training for the owner/you as it is for the puppy/DH.

For example... I used to write DH lists on his days off (during the week), things like laundry, pick up X at the store, etc. Things were okay. Then I started to feel like I was condescending, that it was mean and mommy-ish, etc, so I stopped the notes AND DH STOPPED HELPING. I can TELL him all I want - "tomorrow you need to drop this off at the PO, get milk, and do DD's laundry..." but it's in-one-ear-out-the-other. I finally sat him down and asked: What do I need to do????? He ASKED for the notes back, as detailed as possible. FWIW he's ADD. It gives him a road map of sorts and he can read it over and over til it sinks in!

-So I make lists... long, detailed lists. The first few items are the most important. I always tack on a few extras at the end... things I don't really EXPECT him to get to... but if he does then he has a VERY HAPPY DW. And as PP said, that leads to more DTD.

-I do not ask him to do things which I know he sucks at (unless I'm home to help). So cleaning the floors, not so much.
-If he's not doing it EXACTLY the way I would, but it's not a big deal, I DO NOT MENTION IT... just say thanks. Ie, folding towels (I am OCD about that).
-He's better with routine. So if XYZ is his chore EVERY sunday, it's much more likely to get done.
-we have gotten better about acknowledging each other's strengths and weaknesses (luckily they kinda balance out). So there are many more group projects which ups the chances that 1, we will have the appropriate supplies, 2 it will be appropriately scheduled, 3 he will do a good job, and 4 I will not forget to clean up.
-I give him notice. He will start asking several days in advance, what his "chores" are for his day off. If I haven't thought that far ahead yet... I make some stuff up! So that it has time to sink into his head.

ThatSmileyFaceGuy wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I employ many different techniques.

1. I ask specifically for him to accomplish certain tasks. For example, "I am swamped at work this week. You said you needed to work late on Wed. How about I email you the grocery list and you do the shopping on the way home when it's less crowded. That way we can all go to the pool today instead of you taking the kids on your own and me shopping." He will either say yes or he will say he will go shopping today and I can go to the pool. I hate grocery shopping so either option is fine with me.

2. When he hasn't prepared for a task, I don't help him. Ever. I let him fail. Even if it affects my kids. For example, it is his chore to put laundry away after I have washed, dried, and folded it. If I see the clean, folded laundry waiting in the basement, I bring up enough underwear for me and I leave it there. So he has to run up and downstairs for his own clothing and kids clothing. If it is his turn to pack lunch and he doesn't do it at night like I do, he is stuck running around in the morning getting lunch together and breakfast. And he is only responsible for packing lunch one night a week when I am driving to one sports practice that goes late.

It took a few times, but having to turn his underwear inside out because he was too lazy to go downstairs got to him. He doesn't forget much these days. Please note. I also say NOTHING when I know he is running around. I do not say, "if you did things like I do, this wouldn't happen," I might say, "oh hey, let me check if there are some kids' undies in the corner someplace in a drawer," but that is it.

3. I thank him for when he does something that has really helped. I also praise him to other people. I don't criticize him or suggest that my way of doing something is better.

4. I let him do his own thing with the children. Period. If they watch TV all day and eat hot dogs for dinner with a side of ice cream. Don't care. Right now he is at the gym and I am dorking around on the internet and my kids are watching TV and playing video games. If he came home and said, "why isn't the house clean or did you get their homework done?" I would be pissed. So I try to remember that when he is on his own with them.

This is a big one. I know a few women that complain about the amount their husbands do around the house and every one of the husbands say that she was never happy with how I did something so I stopped. It's easier to let her do it her way the first time instead of doing something and then having her go behind and do it all over again.

Yup, this is me. The first time my DW scolded me for failing to sort laundry by actual colors (rather than darks and whites), I stopped doing laundry.

When she chastized me for putting the toilet paper roll so it pulled OVER rather than UNDER, I stopped doing bathrooms.

When she yelled at me for failing to put away the pots that were drip-drying after I cleaned the kitchen she had ignored all day, I stopped doing kitchens.

Anonymous wrote:Why do people use the term BJ? I hate that term...

Because it is a commonly used phrase to describe fellatio. Your dislike for the term isn't relevant to anything.

Sit. Stay. Come. Fetch.