I'd also like to add some good stuff. Watching your DH become a dad is one of the most incredible things to witness. And it takes time. It will melt your heart.

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people have said some good stuff but there is one thing that surprisingly nobody has mentioned yet: don't forget about sex. It is often the first thing to go by the wayside but is still really important. So make time for it, even if you are touched out and don't really feel like it.

This. Also, I learned that I was adding way more stress to our lives by trying to do things 50/50 and keep score to make sure it's fair. Yes, you try to be equitable. But you know what? It's fine if you guys don't get to that pile of laundry, if one or both of you takes a nap instead of cleaning the kitchen, etc. If you need a little tension relief, we found that playing video games against each other or maybe a board game or something after the baby is down is a good way of finding compromise. But, of course, it isn't for everyone. Good luck!

Get really good at saying you're sorry.

Man, some of the stuff I pulled back in the early days embarass me today. There are times you might, in a moment of sleep-deprived passion, yell, cry, scream, and the like.

Thank goodness my husband was rational (mostly) and good at pushing back (sometimes) and was open to calm, mutual discussion, problem solving, and airing of grievances. He's a good man.

And get yourself a village. Friends of yours who are great parents, your own parents (if they were great), can all give good advice and provide a variety of excellent models for how to be in love with each other and your kids, and get through to the other side.

But seriously: fighting fair, apologizing, and making up are excellent skills to have when you're parents. Because I'll bet you're not going to agree on everything -- even important things. So there will be conflict.

My biggest advice is this: If things get tough, entertain splitting up or divorce all you like. Do NOT go through with it during the first year. I can't tell you how many times I lay in bed fantasizing about how I was going to leave my husband and stick it to him during that first year. You can't even imagine the ways in which conflict will arise because it's all uncharted territory as of now. I don't know anyone who didn't seriously consider splitting up at some point during their child's first year. But, it will pass. Just remember that: all the new fights you will have... they will pass. You'll get into the parenting groove, figure out your new roles, and it'll get easier. Don't leave, even when it sucks.

Sometimes after the baby it is hard to motivate to have sex with DH. You are tired and there is a lot to do and if your hormones aren't into it, DH's demands can feel like one more chore on the list. Once you are, um, recovered enough, make an effort even when you are not feeling it. You usually get into it once you start and it helps DH feel like he's not just at the bottom of the list after laundry and botlle washing.
Don't over spend.
If you honestly find that DH is not helping around the house as much as you need him to, don't feel bad about hiring in occasional help to get things knocked back into manageable shape. Even if you are not the type to hire in cleaners or a maid every week, a temporary or sometimes arrangement can really cut down on resentment, not to mention improve household sanitation while you get much needed rest. Same goes for yardwork or babysitters, and it doesn't have to be a long term thing. I tell my husband, I value you, and I am not going to get divorced over a late phone bill or a pile of unfolded towels.

Value dad as an equal parent - let him do things his way and be alone caring for the child from birth.

Value the relationship - your child is an addition to the family but not to your marriage. Keep a focus on the marriage relationship between the two of you - date nights, emotional, physical and sexual intimacy.

Talk things through and hear both sides. I completely agree with the cosleeping. Unless dad also really wants this and all three of you are together in the bed - don't do it. Kicking him out of the bed and bedroom is not a good plan.

Start talking about division of labor now - before baby comes. Make lists of what will need to get done, what will change (e.g. does he currently play squash 3 nights a week) and what will be added.

Talk about baby raising issues - SAH, breastfeeding, cloth diapers...anything that involves extra work - where does he stand on these things. Has he thought of them?

Talk about things that are bothering you at a time when you aren't sleep deprived or mad. Those in the heat of the moment conversations never accomplish anything!

Take time to have fun. If life is starting to feel overwhelming or too stressful - you need to make a change to make it work. Be flexible.

Don't just dictate all the parenting rules to your DH. Discuss them together. Even if you are not like this now, you'll be surprised how you feel once the baby is here.

For example, don't insist on ONLY breastfeeding, NO BOTTLES EVER, and then be pissed that you are the one doing all the night feedings. You can't have your cake and eat it too...

Ask for help, don't just assume DH should know what you need him to do (even if he really should know...)

Anonymous wrote:If DH is an ass, no techniques will help. If he is a good, mature, decent grown up man, then I am sure you will figure it out.

I agree. Or in more practical terms, if your husband isn't willing and able to cook, do laundry and do housework, you may be screwed. If your husband doesn't have the common sense to buy milk or toilet paper when you are low on those items and he is driving by the grocery store unless you tell him to do so, you may be screwed. If your husband is really good at learned helplessness and will throw up his hands and say "fine, you load the dishwasher since I can never do it right" instead of calling you out on your control freak tendencies, you may be screwed. If you wrote all the thank you notes for your wedding, do all the holiday/birthday card shopping/sending for his family, you may be screwed. If your husband says "you get up with the baby because I have to go to work tomorrow" every single night, you may be screwed. If your husband likes to watch t.v. and play video games way more than you wish he would, you may be screwed. If your husband is entertaining fantasies that he will be going to regular boys' night out, bars, sports leagues, etc. more than maybe a night a week, you may be screwed.

A lot of people have said some good stuff but there is one thing that surprisingly nobody has mentioned yet: don't forget about sex. It is often the first thing to go by the wayside but is still really important. So make time for it, even if you are touched out and don't really feel like it.

If DH is an ass, no techniques will help. If he is a good, mature, decent grown up man, then I am sure you will figure it out.

It really does depend on your personalities and relationship dynamic. We both love cosleeping. We don't really do date nights, but during the first year, you can often eat out while the baby naps in a sling, or watch a movie together at home while baby sleeps (even if he is sleeping on one of you when very young!) Having time to talk is not as much of a problem with infants as with kids old enough to talk, understand, interrupt, etc. Remember that sleep deprivation does make everything seem worse.
You don't necessarily need time away from your baby to have time together; you need to keep your bond strong, but bonding as a family is good too. Plus, infants really can be passive participants in a lot while you and DH interact without the stress and expense of leaving a small baby often.

1. Get on the same page BEFORE about how you want to parent and what you think is right. For instance, bed sharing/co-sleeping beyond the newborn period. If you both are for it and think it's great, wonderful. However, some of the most bitter problem marriages I've seen have been co-sleepers where mom wanted it and dad resented it like hell, everyone was sleep deprived. The few people I know who knew they both wanted to cosleep and did it were happy with it. If it's a plan, it works. If it's a reaction or an attempt to minimize sleep problems in the kid (usually doesn't work anyway) and only mom is on board, big problem.
2. Division of labor: be specific. We had a vague idea that we'd split things but when it came down to it, it wasn't working that way. We had to develop a specific plan and when we did, it worked out better.

We saw a counselor when things started getting a little rocky. It really was a combination of the new responsibilites, new roles, etc all happening so fast. It really, really helped. First time we did that in ten years but I would do it again in a heartbeat.

Give your husband time alone with the baby in the beginning where he can figure stuff out on his own. If you can swing it, a few weeks where he takes leave after you go back to work. We did that, and it really helped put us back on a more even footing in terms of pitching in to care for the baby--after my maternity leave, I'd just had so much more experience with baby care than he got to experience that I was more practiced and better at it. Once he took his leave and I was back at work, it meant that he got a chance to learn what worked for him without me jumping in.

And yes, take days off when the kid is in daycare. Cheaper than a sitter and no time lost with baby.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are expecting our first child this fall. I adore my husband, and I think our relationship is strong. While I'd love to think this will continue with the arrival of the baby, I've seen enough of my friends struggle through the first year of child-rearing with their spouses - not for lack of love - but simply as a result of exhaustion, frustration, and shock to the system. What are your tips of making it through the beginning of parenthood so that we still like each other next year?
Thanks.

1) Baby sleeps in own bed. No co-sleeping.
2) Date nights.

stupid advice.

we do much better when we all got enough sleep and this means co-sleeping.

keeping the baby away and being both of us fighting to see who'd go to console the baby would have ruined it for us.