Anonymous
Post 05/17/2012 11:38     Subject: Re:I love my MIL, but I really need help with this situation
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Agree with the pp's to just stay in a hotel. If your ds with sensory issues has problems, you'll be able to get away from everyone for a few hours. My kids both had sensory problems when they were young (among other issues) and it is hard when family doesn't understand what you are dealing with.


OP here, thanks for this. You are dead on. Part of the emotional blackmail is "DS1 will really love playing with all his cousins..." despite the fact that he's actually receiving OT at school to help him learn to play with other kids - his teachers keep telling me how he stands on the outskirts of the classroom and is terrified of entering the fray.


Oh OP, I really feel for you. My DD sounds just like your DS1 and this trip would be equally daunting to me, for all the same reasons. I would be really tempted to just not go but would probably end up giving in to the madness and just accepting that it's going to be a rough ride for a few days - your kids may actually do better than expected (especially if you are like me and are expecting the worst. )
I would choose the hotel option, for sure. As PP mentioned, getting away for a few hours will probably benefit everyone - your DS1 will have some downtime in his comfort zone with just the four of you (and you will be able to exhale, too). You will be there with everyone but still be able to control the kids' routines and have an out if your oldest can only handle so much. I imagine it will also decrease your own anxiety level - I've been there and so understand how hard it can be.
I think there is a very good chance things will be just fine , however, even if you all stay in the lake house. And even if it's terrible, it will come and go and then you will be back home soon enough - just take deep breaths.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2012 11:35     Subject: Re:I love my MIL, but I really need help with this situation

OP, you need to start by thinking about the language you use in this situation. "Emotional blackmail" is a terrible, loaded term and I sense that it came naturally to you to use because even though you tout how much you supposedly like MIL, you might not actually. This "blackmail" you speak of sounds to me like it's actually coming from a good place from MIL (the desire to see you and spend time with your family) and I'm not entirely understanding of all the background info you offered up about the lakehouse and how MIL wants you to come there lots and lots. How does that figure into the decision about attending this "big birthday" celebration of MIL which just happens to be at said lakehouse? Seems to me that you're allowing your pent up frustration/anger/annoyance about MIL pressuring you to spend your limited vaca time with them to cloud how you are looking at this particular, special event. By the way, as the mother of two boys I hope to one day be a MIL like yours who appreciates and compliments and respects her DIL and tries to be generous and build a big, loving extended family.


Fair enough. I do actually love MIL, but this business about family time is one place where we have been at odds for years (and the constant badgering about when were we going to have kids for the first 5 years we were together, but that one has since resolved itself). The thing is that they invite us enough places each year that if we said yes we would use ALL of our vacation time (3 weeks), and each time we decline we get guilt tripped. She just only hears what she wants to hear when it comes to family togetherness. And while it is a worthwhile goal and I do support family togetherness - yes, with my inlaws as well as my own family - I get aggravated that she really just ignores the difficulties and concerns, like that DS1 will be absolutely terrified and out of sorts the whole time, and just keeps repeating what she wants to be the truth, that he will love it. We hosted the entire immediate clan this fall, and I was a very gracious hostess to all of DH's siblings, their kids, etc. for a long weekend, so it's not like I am sitting in my bubble refusing to play at all.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2012 11:22     Subject: Re:I love my MIL, but I really need help with this situation
"DS1 will really love playing with all his cousins..." despite the fact that he's actually receiving OT at school to help him learn to play with other kids - his teachers keep telling me how he stands on the outskirts of the classroom and is terrified of entering the fray


I agree with the poster who doesn't view this as emotional blackmail. It's just an incorrect statement, or maybe wishful thinking on your MIL's part. It sounds like your 3 year old isn't going to enjoy playing with the other kids, but hopefully he will enjoy getting to spend some time with adult relatives. If you talk to the adults about his issues ahead of time, you can probably get them to take turns plaing with your son one-on-one.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2012 11:17     Subject: Re:I love my MIL, but I really need help with this situation
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Agree with the pp's to just stay in a hotel. If your ds with sensory issues has problems, you'll be able to get away from everyone for a few hours. My kids both had sensory problems when they were young (among other issues) and it is hard when family doesn't understand what you are dealing with.


OP here, thanks for this. You are dead on. Part of the emotional blackmail is "DS1 will really love playing with all his cousins..." despite the fact that he's actually receiving OT at school to help him learn to play with other kids - his teachers keep telling me how he stands on the outskirts of the classroom and is terrified of entering the fray.


OP, you need to start by thinking about the language you use in this situation. "Emotional blackmail" is a terrible, loaded term and I sense that it came naturally to you to use because even though you tout how much you supposedly like MIL, you might not actually. This "blackmail" you speak of sounds to me like it's actually coming from a good place from MIL (the desire to see you and spend time with your family) and I'm not entirely understanding of all the background info you offered up about the lakehouse and how MIL wants you to come there lots and lots. How does that figure into the decision about attending this "big birthday" celebration of MIL which just happens to be at said lakehouse? Seems to me that you're allowing your pent up frustration/anger/annoyance about MIL pressuring you to spend your limited vaca time with them to cloud how you are looking at this particular, special event. By the way, as the mother of two boys I hope to one day be a MIL like yours who appreciates and compliments and respects her DIL and tries to be generous and build a big, loving extended family.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2012 11:15     Subject: I love my MIL, but I really need help with this situation
Anonymous wrote:
Some questions that popped into my mind that might help your decision: How often is there a family reunion? Have these family members met your littlest? How often do you travel? What if you were to go on practice mini trips to gear up for this summer trip? What if you were to convince your mil to come to you more often in exchange for this trip to see her? Is there a way to separate out the fact that this is an in-law function? In other words, assuming you have the same great relationship with your family and they wanted you to to make a similar trip to them, would you be similarly resistant? Finally, what does your dh want to do?


Family reunion every 2 years. Extended family has not met baby, but DH' siblings and their kids have. We travel 1-2x per year, for a week at a time. We have our beach trip in late june that may be telling but I'm afraid that will be too late to make reservations after that. I would absolutely be willing to defer until we see how that goes if we think it is feasible. MIL comes plenty - no need to have her come more, she's just bitter that we dont (she once said to my mom "when my kids were young we went to see our parents all the time." my mom had to point out that she didn't work, so when she got home on sunday night totally exhausted she didn't have to grocery shop, do laundry, pack bottles, and get ready to go make a living). I actually have done precisely the same thing with my mom, who has a big birthday this summer too, has been made well aware of what we are and are not willing to do and, having spent a lot of time with my kids, totally understands and is on board. She has agreed to have her party at her home, 3 hours from here, at a time that works for us, and we get to plan our own accommodations. DH is not a great planner. He was actually in full agreement with me about what a nightmare this is (once I led him through it), but doesn't want it to be so and so is not being very constructive about looking for solutions or expressing his preferences.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2012 11:12     Subject: I love my MIL, but I really need help with this situation
Also, how do you feel about camping? If it's a nice area, big enough property, not too hot at night (Minnesota), I would think about using my nice big tent and a couple of air mattresses/pak n play. Gives you a place to retreat to, also.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2012 11:09     Subject: I love my MIL, but I really need help with this situation
I also vote, send DH with one child and stay home with the other. Just keep repeating, "I know, I am SO sorry to miss it. But don't worry, the kids won't be this little forever!"


Anonymous
Post 05/17/2012 11:06     Subject: Re:I love my MIL, but I really need help with this situation
Anonymous wrote:Agree with the pp's to just stay in a hotel. If your ds with sensory issues has problems, you'll be able to get away from everyone for a few hours. My kids both had sensory problems when they were young (among other issues) and it is hard when family doesn't understand what you are dealing with.


OP here, thanks for this. You are dead on. Part of the emotional blackmail is "DS1 will really love playing with all his cousins..." despite the fact that he's actually receiving OT at school to help him learn to play with other kids - his teachers keep telling me how he stands on the outskirts of the classroom and is terrified of entering the fray.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2012 11:05     Subject: I love my MIL, but I really need help with this situation
Sorry, OP, but I suspect you're trying to get people to tell you what you want to hear...that you don't have to go. But I think you do have to go and I think you should want to go, frankly. It's one weekend and it may be miserable. So what. Suck it up. It's family and it's important, and please think about our husband for a second and how important this is for him...for you NOT to cause problems with something relating to his family. Your children will survive a 3-day trip with less than optimum sleep...and so will you. I think you're trying to throw out all sorts of "logical" reasons why you can feel better about bailing but they all seem like a stretch to me. Why not just get a hotel room at the 25 mile-away place and then YOU and baby can sleep there while DH and son stay at the lake house. Just drive back and forth...you might relish the break from all the family. And to me you do sound a little princessish. PS: i'm sure you've learned by now that things change with children quickly...the singing to sleep thing might be over by the time this event rolls around.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2012 11:05     Subject: I love my MIL, but I really need help with this situation
I have a brother and sil who hardly come to family events, and if they do, the arrive late and leave early, and the one time it was a weekend event (a close family member wedding) they stayed at an alternative location than the rest of the entire family...all with zero explanation. They seem to be very protective of their oldest, who is very quiet, but they've never mentioned anything regarding special needs. It is so hurtful, and now that my oldest is able to see this (he's three), it's getting harder and harder to take. If my brother would only explain why he does this, I would bend over backwards to accommodate him. Perhaps your mil would as well.

Some questions that popped into my mind that might help your decision: How often is there a family reunion? Have these family members met your littlest? How often do you travel? What if you were to go on practice mini trips to gear up for this summer trip? What if you were to convince your mil to come to you more often in exchange for this trip to see her? Is there a way to separate out the fact that this is an in-law function? In other words, assuming you have the same great relationship with your family and they wanted you to to make a similar trip to them, would you be similarly resistant? Finally, what does your dh want to do?
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2012 11:02     Subject: Re:I love my MIL, but I really need help with this situation
Agree with the pp's to just stay in a hotel. If your ds with sensory issues has problems, you'll be able to get away from everyone for a few hours. My kids both had sensory problems when they were young (among other issues) and it is hard when family doesn't understand what you are dealing with.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2012 10:58     Subject: I love my MIL, but I really need help with this situation
Anonymous wrote:25 miles is not that far. If the sleeping arrangements are really unworkable, explain that the children have to have 2 rooms and get adjoining rooms at the hotel. At worst, you're maybe an hour (but probably less) away from nice, quiet accomodations. Just don't get the rooms without talking to your mil first (or having your dh talk to her) and explaining the situation and how you're looking for a solution that will allow all of you to come. She sounds like a reasonable woman and if there is an acceptable compromise to be made, she would probably welcome an opportunity to suggest it.


I agree with this, and definitely keep the emphasis on what your children need, not what you want or prefer (not saying your preferences don't matter, just that accomodations for children tend to be viewed a bit more kindly). Staying in a hotel 25 miles away could actually be a really nice compromise, since it buys you a little time away from the group, and that sounds like something you'd like.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2012 10:56     Subject: Re:I love my MIL, but I really need help with this situation
Anonymous wrote:Another vote for sending DH with DC#1.

My kids are 2 and 4, and just this past weekend we traveled 3 hours away. They are great in the car now, but the hotel only had one room ready for us instead of 2, and #2 wouldn't nap while we were in the room. Which meant, DH or I couldn't relax and get the 4yo to sit still for a while and rest too. Which also meant, a total meltdown at 6pm because the 2yo was ready for bed (thank GOD the other room was ready by then).

The PPs who say suck it up must have older and/or easier kids. I thing you should be honest with your MIL, that the trip will be extremely stressful for you if you all go because your #2 is so young. You're so sorry to miss it but you and DH have jointly decided that it is best for the family for DH to go with #1. (I mean, #2 won't even remember the trip!) MAKE SURE your DH is on board with this approach. It's up to you whether you want him to deliver the news; personally I have found it better to do it myself because my DH always truncates way too much 'DW doesn't want to go'.

And nothing is worse than being surrounded by family and having someone say 'ok I'll watch the 3yo while you pee' and then 2 minutes later when you return from the bathroom the 3yo is leaning off the boat dock and the relative is engaged in a lively conversation, completely clueless. Been there, it's not fun. Your MIL probably assumes that there will be lots of helping hands but you and I know this is never, ever the case. Be gracious and apologetic and it will be fine. Honestly I think sometimes the 'emotional blackmail' is all in our heads (or so I'd like to think...). Personally I have stopped attending holiday dinners at MIL's friends' home because they refuse, when their own daughter and us both have 2 kids less than 5, to move dinnertime earlier than a 7:30pm start. I stop by with #2 and leave at 6:30; DH stays with #1 until 9 or so. It's fine aside from the line of questioning from MIL's friend (since MIL won't tell her what's up). But MIL does understand because she knows my kids. I think you'll be ok on this one.


You sound very self centered.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2012 10:56     Subject: Re:I love my MIL, but I really need help with this situation
The PPs who say suck it up must have older and/or easier kids


Nah, I have a three year old and a one year old, both of whom are super demanding and high energy. But if we have a few days of 6pm temper tantrums and no nap, although it is aggravating and exhausting, but it doesn't phase me all that much. I like to go places from time to time, I can't always get them their own rooms, and this is just the way that it is for the time being.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2012 10:53     Subject: I love my MIL, but I really need help with this situation
I'd go, knowing it might suck but there are ways you can mitigate it a bit. Definitely separate the kids during the going-to-sleep process, whatever that takes.

We have a family summer home where we occasionally get squeezed into 1 bedroom for a family of 4 and I hate that. I wouldn't do it just any time. But for a big event, for someone you and your family love, it's worth it.