Anonymous
Post 03/15/2012 08:45     Subject: S/O What Do You Expect Your Sex-Starved Spouse to Do?
Anonymous wrote:I felt like I was screaming "I need help!!!!" and he never stepped up. If he did try parenting, he ended up stomping around and yelling at the kids and being generally miserable and acting put upon. My desire for him was nil based on his complete disrespect for my needs.

Anyway, do I count as a withholding spouse? How much of withholding is which spouse's fault? I just think we need to be careful about saying to a spouse "you are signing your partner up for a lifetime of no sex and unless you let him/her sleep around you are a selfish horrible person." In many cases, I would suggest that the person who needs more sex is partly responsible for changing his/her behavior too.


Did you simply ask for more help at any point?
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2012 08:44     Subject: S/O What Do You Expect Your Sex-Starved Spouse to Do?
Anonymous wrote:I would like to understand too. When I went through a dry spell, I gave my spouse permission to go elsewhere. I never thought it was fair to deny him and ask him to be faithful.


You really rather he cheated than do your duty as a wife? That's car-razy. How long was the dry spell?
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2012 08:43     Subject: S/O What Do You Expect Your Sex-Starved Spouse to Do?
Anonymous wrote:Great question. I"m a WS but it's not for any reason other than simple lack of desire. but nothing "tastes good" any more. Not food, not drinks, not masturbation. I think I have a medical problem.

DH looks at porn nightly. I WISH I had desire. I WISH there was a female viagra.

I'm not depressed. I like doing stuff, don't sleep too much, am not angry...but I am under a lot stress related to childcare so maybe that's part of it. Also, my pill is not really working like it used to work...maybe that's part of it.

IDK.



Are you actively seeking help to rev your libido and get out of your depression, or are you just wallowing in it? Do you at least apologize to your DH?
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2012 08:42     Subject: Re:S/O What Do You Expect Your Sex-Starved Spouse to Do?
Anonymous wrote:" If only doing it 8-10x a year... well that's actually not really awful either. "

You think 8-10 X per year is not bad? Wow, I wish that was my husband's opinion! He wants it 3-4X per week - minimum. Any less and he classifies me as a withholding spouse. I am like PP who just has no libido. I am always too tired and frankly - while I care for DH - the honeymoon is over. We are parents, roomates, business partners - but hardly soulmates or lovers. I almost wish he would get some on the side - just to get it out of his system.....


Dh wants it once or twice a week, and I'd be happy with 4 -5 times. He's not a WS but I'm chronically underserved. It's obviously been too long since he was 19, and doesn't really get the frustration level.
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2012 07:01     Subject: S/O What Do You Expect Your Sex-Starved Spouse to Do?
I have no advice for you 3:55 but It's spring. Show off your sexy, flirt a little (with anyone) and maybe DH will be interested.

I"m a WS and mentally WANT but just physically can't get there.

I might take my own advice. maybe it will make me feel sexy again. Cant' hurt.
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2012 03:55     Subject: S/O What Do You Expect Your Sex-Starved Spouse to Do?
Anonymous wrote:Do I count? I've always wanted sex less than my spouse even when we were dating. I'm talking he's interested daily, I'm interested 3-4 times a week. We had two kids in 3 years and he pretty much did no parenting and wasn't particularly kind or understanding to how exhausted and drained I was. He didn't believe me either when I said it still hurt for a few months after the birth or that even a year plus later nursing affected my libido. Even when he felt like I was withholding, it's because we were doing it 1-2 a week instead of nightly like he wanted.

Anyway, do I count as a withholding spouse? How much of withholding is which spouse's fault? I just think we need to be careful about saying to a spouse "you are signing your partner up for a lifetime of no sex and unless you let him/her sleep around you are a selfish horrible person." In many cases, I would suggest that the person who needs more sex is partly responsible for changing his/her behavior too.



WS here. I feel very similar thoughts. My partner lost interest because sex for me was uncomfortable, painful after the birth of our 1st child and for the duration of my nursing. It was very hard to please him (and me) during that time. Fast forward to the present, he is no longer interested in me at all, but admits to being turned on by other women. By the way, I look great. No baby weight here. We haven't had sex in 6 months. So, while I feel bad as the WS, what now? Regardless of fault, how do I get our relationship on track? As the WS, how much control do I have to help create change? I feel vulnerable and powerless right now.
Anonymous
Post 03/14/2012 22:23     Subject: S/O What Do You Expect Your Sex-Starved Spouse to Do?
Anonymous wrote:What if you're denying a lot because he's asking a LOT? My sister and her husband have an issue in that she wants sex about once a week and he wants it every day. They have two young kids and both work full time, but she does much more of the child care AND more house-cleaning. He's always had a higher sex drive. They made a deal where if he asks for sex more than twice a week he has to put $20 in a jar and if she doesn't give him sex at least twice a week, she has to put $20 in a jar. I'm pretty sure they use the money for booze. I found that pretty damn hilarious.


It sounds hideous. Rejection, a financial penalty, a visible reminder of how often you've been rejected and/or your wife chose to pay money rather than have sex with you, and in case you weren't emasculated enough, publicizing the "policy" to friends and family.

What a gem.
Anonymous
Post 03/14/2012 21:30     Subject: S/O What Do You Expect Your Sex-Starved Spouse to Do?
What if you're denying a lot because he's asking a LOT? My sister and her husband have an issue in that she wants sex about once a week and he wants it every day. They have two young kids and both work full time, but she does much more of the child care AND more house-cleaning. He's always had a higher sex drive. They made a deal where if he asks for sex more than twice a week he has to put $20 in a jar and if she doesn't give him sex at least twice a week, she has to put $20 in a jar. I'm pretty sure they use the money for booze. I found that pretty damn hilarious.
Anonymous
Post 03/14/2012 21:19     Subject: S/O What Do You Expect Your Sex-Starved Spouse to Do?
Anonymous wrote:Do I count? I've always wanted sex less than my spouse even when we were dating. I'm talking he's interested daily, I'm interested 3-4 times a week. We had two kids in 3 years and he pretty much did no parenting and wasn't particularly kind or understanding to how exhausted and drained I was. He didn't believe me either when I said it still hurt for a few months after the birth or that even a year plus later nursing affected my libido. Even when he felt like I was withholding, it's because we were doing it 1-2 a week instead of nightly like he wanted.

In retrospect, it was a communication issue. I heard, I want sex (read: any sex, not just sex with you). You'd better start putting out because these are my needs. How nice it would have been to hear that he understood how stressed I was and how could he help so I could relax enough to remember how to be a wife, to hear that he wanted sex so much with ME and not just as a basic need.

I felt like I was screaming "I need help!!!!" and he never stepped up. If he did try parenting, he ended up stomping around and yelling at the kids and being generally miserable and acting put upon. My desire for him was nil based on his complete disrespect for my needs.

Anyway, do I count as a withholding spouse? How much of withholding is which spouse's fault? I just think we need to be careful about saying to a spouse "you are signing your partner up for a lifetime of no sex and unless you let him/her sleep around you are a selfish horrible person." In many cases, I would suggest that the person who needs more sex is partly responsible for changing his/her behavior too.



Gosh!!!! This is me and my DH....I hate having sex with him because of the reasons you stated!!!
Anonymous
Post 03/14/2012 20:14     Subject: S/O What Do You Expect Your Sex-Starved Spouse to Do?
This is 15:45 quoted above. I should say that we just hit the 1-month mark for the first time ever since we met. i don't deny kisses, hugs, snuggling ect. We usually were at 1/wk but the "pill" wasn't working right so we got off that 1/wk schedule. Before baby, we were many times a week...maybe 3-4.

I was thinking about this conversation and one thing that gets to me is that I clean up the house after kid is in bed and while DH is off doing something. I come up to bed, ready for sleep, and he basically wants sex. No staying up with me...no work-up snuggles, just asks. I"m a lobbyist. Make me a deal. Make it win-win. SOMETHING! No, I haven't spoken with him but I will.
Anonymous
Post 03/14/2012 19:54     Subject: S/O What Do You Expect Your Sex-Starved Spouse to Do?
I think when you get to this point, OP, you can't pin it on one or the other spouse. Fact is the resentment grows until BOTH are uninterested. Me included for not months but years. I will be leaving.
Anonymous
Post 03/14/2012 19:28     Subject: S/O What Do You Expect Your Sex-Starved Spouse to Do?
8-10x /yr. would be heaven compared to what I deal with (DW on meds for depression, saps her libido so I take care of myself so to speak, while remaining faithful)....

it sucks but after 20+ yrs still as hot for her as ever and, frankly, this is part of the "for better or worse" part (ie withholding/lack is not willful/spiteful, it's medically related).

If I were less transparent I'd be catching some on the side, I'm a 2-4x/week guy ideally .... but I'm not into cheating or transparent enough to be able to snatch some on the side w/ out it being obvious.
Anonymous
Post 03/14/2012 19:06     Subject: Re:S/O What Do You Expect Your Sex-Starved Spouse to Do?
If you have been sex-starved for many years, and spouse only wants to have sex like three times a year, after a few years, is it justified to wander? I think so.
Anonymous
Post 03/14/2012 18:15     Subject: S/O What Do You Expect Your Sex-Starved Spouse to Do?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Great question. I"m a WS but it's not for any reason other than simple lack of desire. but nothing "tastes good" any more. Not food, not drinks, not masturbation. I think I have a medical problem.

DH looks at porn nightly. I WISH I had desire. I WISH there was a female viagra.

I'm not depressed. I like doing stuff, don't sleep too much, am not angry...but I am under a lot stress related to childcare so maybe that's part of it. Also, my pill is not really working like it used to work...maybe that's part of it.

IDK.



This is me too, so annoying. I am just recently getting some desire back. But up until now I didn't even want to masturbate. I guess some hormones are kicking in, finally. But it just about ruined my marriage. And honestly, if DH had gone elsewhere for sex I wouldn't have blamed him, it was a looong dry spell


I can appreciate what you both are saying... But do you both withhold all forms of intimacy (hugs, kisses, etc) in addition to withholding any form of sex?

My wife has provided similar feedback as yours, but I did offer to help in anyway resolve that stress... But she said that she would on it herself.
Anonymous
Post 03/14/2012 17:53     Subject: S/O What Do You Expect Your Sex-Starved Spouse to Do?
Anonymous wrote:8-10x per year does not sound that bad. My marriage is nearly sexless. Intercourse has happened twice since October. I am DH and would like more, but can not get DW in the mood.


How many blow jobs?