It's not what you say, it's how you say it.

Anonymous wrote:Take away the key. Give her one when she come to babysit the kids and take it back when she leaves. Same for when you go on vacation.

The MIL can have a copy of the key made.

You gave her a key, she was running in to retrieve lost property, she rang the doorbell. Normal!

However her reaction to your request is over the top. Just as your request was quite ungracious.

I think the situation took the proportions it did because you both secretly resent each other - MIL feels used and wants you to be less uptight, and you feel that your privacy is at stake.

Change the locks, don't give her the new key.
And I hope she limits the help she gives you - you don't sound as if you deserve it!

this is 17:37 again. i forgot to add that everyone deserves privacy, even from family members. this has no bearing on how much OP appreciates what her MIL does for the family. everyone derserves some space and privacy.

You give house keys to a woman who makes multiple copies and then loses them? Forget the MIL, you're going to have the whole neighborhood walking in.

This whole situation illustrates why it is unwise to accept favors from your MIL.

Anonymous wrote:boundaries, people. just because you have a key does not mean these are keys to the kingdom.

even if she didn't think anyone was home, a courtesy heads up is required.

OP, this would upset me.

Thank you! I forget how off the hook some of the posters on here are. They really just like messing with people. I could have worded things differently and they would be on me for being a pushover. You can't win. I love how they assume that I don't pay my MIL to babysit. In fact we just bought her a $1500 couch.

boundaries, people. just because you have a key does not mean these are keys to the kingdom.

even if she didn't think anyone was home, a courtesy heads up is required.

OP, this would upset me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect she was very defensive because she knows she's in the wrong.

Why did she let herself in the house? Was she there to do something?

Yes, she had left her camera at our house the last time she was here, and she was picking it up. She usually calls before she comes over, she has never just let herself in like that without calling first. When she watches the kids, she lets herself in, we leave the door locked all the time. She lightly taps the door instead of ringing the doorbell. This time she rang the doorbell, but she didn't wait for me to answer. I want her to feel welcome, and I want her to feel like she can just stop by, but she crossed a line.

Well, I can see both sides. I'm the person you quoted. I think she suspected she was going to run in and get her camera and leave. No harm, no foul.

I think you surprised each other and it got blown way out of proportion.

Maybe, I think her reaction was so odd. I was calm when I told her that she shouldn't do what she did. She didn't act surprised, she knew I was home. Car was in the driveway, my dog was outside. So she knew I was here. I was calm when I told her that she shouldn't do what she did. I don't think I deserved the "You just hate me!", routine. Honestly, she acted like she felt totally entitled to walk into my home at any time.

Generally, when you give someone a key, you are empowering them to do exactly that.

No, when you give someone a key and tell them to "Let yourself in anytime" then you empower them to do that. So, when I give the house cleaning service a key, I should just expect that they will come into my home anytime? It is called trust. She knows why she has a key.

I see. The problem is that you rank your mother in law not as family but as *service* as in: You can come over when it's useful to us and that's it. In that case, you never should have given her a key. No wonder she has hurt feelings.

Whatever. Blow it out your arse lady.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're out of line and I can see why her feelings are hurt. I assume she babysits for free as well as doing things out of the kindness of her heart for you all. Anyone who has a key to my house (that includes siblings or grandparents) should be fine walking into my house, ESPECIALLY when she rang the doorbell first as a warning. Even if I was getting it on, that would be a warning to wrap it up pronto. You're family. Act like it.

Poor lady.

Yea, I think you are full of shit. She had no right to walk into my house like that. I do walk around naked sometimes. My DH and I do have a pretty good sex life, and he has done me on the kitchen counter in the daytime before. Sorry to be so blunt. I have an expectation of privacy. She knew I was here. Therefore she should not have come in. If I was not at home this would not be a problem. I am not controlling, in fact I am surprised I have not been called a doormat yet. Truth is, everyone has there own comfort levels. Except for the first two or three posters, I wont get any rational advice anymore. I know that. If you want to keep attacking, go ahead.

Oh, and I have a small home, there is no "wrapping it up". She rang the bell, but was opening the door, literally seconds later.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect she was very defensive because she knows she's in the wrong.

Why did she let herself in the house? Was she there to do something?

Yes, she had left her camera at our house the last time she was here, and she was picking it up. She usually calls before she comes over, she has never just let herself in like that without calling first. When she watches the kids, she lets herself in, we leave the door locked all the time. She lightly taps the door instead of ringing the doorbell. This time she rang the doorbell, but she didn't wait for me to answer. I want her to feel welcome, and I want her to feel like she can just stop by, but she crossed a line.

Well, I can see both sides. I'm the person you quoted. I think she suspected she was going to run in and get her camera and leave. No harm, no foul.

I think you surprised each other and it got blown way out of proportion.

Maybe, I think her reaction was so odd. I was calm when I told her that she shouldn't do what she did. She didn't act surprised, she knew I was home. Car was in the driveway, my dog was outside. So she knew I was here. I was calm when I told her that she shouldn't do what she did. I don't think I deserved the "You just hate me!", routine. Honestly, she acted like she felt totally entitled to walk into my home at any time.

Generally, when you give someone a key, you are empowering them to do exactly that.

No, when you give someone a key and tell them to "Let yourself in anytime" then you empower them to do that. So, when I give the house cleaning service a key, I should just expect that they will come into my home anytime? It is called trust. She knows why she has a key.

I see. The problem is that you rank your mother in law not as family but as *service* as in: You can come over when it's useful to us and that's it. In that case, you never should have given her a key. No wonder she has hurt feelings.

Anonymous wrote:I think you're out of line and I can see why her feelings are hurt. I assume she babysits for free as well as doing things out of the kindness of her heart for you all. Anyone who has a key to my house (that includes siblings or grandparents) should be fine walking into my house, ESPECIALLY when she rang the doorbell first as a warning. Even if I was getting it on, that would be a warning to wrap it up pronto. You're family. Act like it.

Poor lady.

Yea, I think you are full of shit. She had no right to walk into my house like that. I do walk around naked sometimes. My DH and I do have a pretty good sex life, and he has done me on the kitchen counter in the daytime before. Sorry to be so blunt. I have an expectation of privacy. She knew I was here. Therefore she should not have come in. If I was not at home this would not be a problem. I am not controlling, in fact I am surprised I have not been called a doormat yet. Truth is, everyone has there own comfort levels. Except for the first two or three posters, I wont get any rational advice anymore. I know that. If you want to keep attacking, go ahead.

I wouldn't really care. I would just ask her to always be sure she knocked first in case we were home. Doesn't seem like that big a deal.

I think you're out of line and I can see why her feelings are hurt. I assume she babysits for free as well as doing things out of the kindness of her heart for you all. Anyone who has a key to my house (that includes siblings or grandparents) should be fine walking into my house, ESPECIALLY when she rang the doorbell first as a warning. Even if I was getting it on, that would be a warning to wrap it up pronto. You're family. Act like it.

Poor lady.

I don't see what the bid deal is. My mom and my MIL have keys to my house and they use them. My husband happens to have the key to his sisters house, and we recently went by, found they were out, and let ourselves in. Sent a text saying "hey, come on home, we're here." This was totally out of the blue. Yet no one was offended.

OP, from my perspective, you're being uptight and controlling. But I'm not saying that to chide you or suggest that you're wrong, just to show that there is a variety of opinions out there and your MIL is probably more my style in this area. Neither approach is wrong and its too bad the two of you don't see it the same. It is your and your partner's house, so the two of you are ultimately in charge and now that the issue has come up, your MIL should respect your wishes, no need for lock changing. If it comes to changing the locks, then maybe Jerry Springer could help?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect she was very defensive because she knows she's in the wrong.

Why did she let herself in the house? Was she there to do something?

Yes, she had left her camera at our house the last time she was here, and she was picking it up. She usually calls before she comes over, she has never just let herself in like that without calling first. When she watches the kids, she lets herself in, we leave the door locked all the time. She lightly taps the door instead of ringing the doorbell. This time she rang the doorbell, but she didn't wait for me to answer. I want her to feel welcome, and I want her to feel like she can just stop by, but she crossed a line.

Well, I can see both sides. I'm the person you quoted. I think she suspected she was going to run in and get her camera and leave. No harm, no foul.

I think you surprised each other and it got blown way out of proportion.

Maybe, I think her reaction was so odd. I was calm when I told her that she shouldn't do what she did. She didn't act surprised, she knew I was home. Car was in the driveway, my dog was outside. So she knew I was here. I was calm when I told her that she shouldn't do what she did. I don't think I deserved the "You just hate me!", routine. Honestly, she acted like she felt totally entitled to walk into my home at any time.

Generally, when you give someone a key, you are empowering them to do exactly that.

No, when you give someone a key and tell them to "Let yourself in anytime" then you empower them to do that. So, when I give the house cleaning service a key, I should just expect that they will come into my home anytime? It is called trust. She knows why she has a key.