Anonymous
Post 02/15/2012 12:33     Subject: What to do about dying ex?
My husbands ex died in a horrible accident. I didn't like her, it ws the woman right before me.

This goes beyond petty "I don't like her feelings" this is death/dying.

I told my husband to go to the funeral and to go to his ex's parents and spend time with them. It's the right thing to do.

Call your ex - if he's not coherent, call his parents. The fact that you have to ask this question......
Anonymous
Post 02/15/2012 12:30     Subject: What to do about dying ex?
If he gave your kids presents last time you saw him, he was a part of your life. You should absolutely send flowers, call, whatever you would do if this happened to another friend. DH really wouldn't understand that this is an ok level of communication, given that the guy is dying?? That's a little nuts.
Anonymous
Post 02/15/2012 11:59     Subject: Re:What to do about dying ex?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry OP but I have to mention something that I think is worth noting. As someone who remained single till my mid 30s please don't assume since he is unmarried and childless that he never got over you or that he doesn't have other close people currently in his life. He doesn't need to make similar life commitments as yourself in order to be over the relationship.


Agree with this. Honestly, I would feel uncomfortable if my spouse reached out to an ex under these circumstances. Since you are not the significant other any longer, I would not do anything. If he passes, maybe you could send flowers.


Damn, this is cold. The man is dying -- this isn't a time for petty jealousy. It's not like he's a threat! Part of being a grownup, in my opinion, is accepting that your partner has emotional connections to other people that aren't you, and that this isn't a threat. Maybe my perspective on this is a little different because I settled down relatively late after having had many serious relationships. The idea that my partner wouldn't allow me to be in contact with an ex who was DYING would completely apall me. And I would think less of him if he didn't give comfort where it could be given, if it were his ex.
Anonymous
Post 02/15/2012 11:48     Subject: What to do about dying ex?
If this were my ex-boyfriend, I would send flowers right away, and call his parents to express your sympathy as a caring friend. If he dies, I would go to his funeral and behave with due discretion (unless you have an outstanding previous professional or private commitment that you cannot miss).

Throughout all this, I would behave as a long-time close friend, and NOT as an ex-lover.

If this was DH's ex-girlfriend, I would urge him to do the same thing.
Anonymous
Post 02/15/2012 11:36     Subject: What to do about dying ex?
Anonymous wrote:He was a big part of your life. I think it would be appropriate to make the same gesture you would make for anyone else you were close to for that many years - female or male. So send a card or flowers or whatever you would normally do and don't assume he is going to take it the wrong way. (and even if he did, who cares? if he dies, it's not like he's going to haunt you.)


This!. Don't overthink it OP. He's someone you use to know and he's dying. Do what you would normally do if the person wasn't an ex.
Anonymous
Post 02/15/2012 11:35     Subject: Re:What to do about dying ex?
OP - I would call his parents and ask how they are holding up and how he is doing and let them know you are thinking of him and them. I'm thinking that if he's in a life threatening state he is probably not awake. If his parents say that he is maybe inquire about getting his ph# in his room and calling to wish him well. Sending flowers would be nice too.

If he passes away I would consider going to the service. Don't forget that a service is more for the living and it would be nice for you to be there to pay your respects and to be present for his family and your mutual friends that may still be a very big part of his life and suffering more acutely from the loss.
Anonymous
Post 02/15/2012 11:34     Subject: Re:What to do about dying ex?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What does your DH think? You need to talk to DH and then you need to decide what you want to do, either before ex passes away or after to pay respects to his family.


DH doesn't get a say in this, don't be ridiculous.

OP, this person is clearly an important part of your history and you should honor him. I assume you were once close to his family? If so, send your condolences. I don't know that you need closure with the ex per se -- that's his issue, not yours. But I wouldn't ignore this.


If you do not do something, you will regret it forever. Just because you get married doesn't mean that you erase the people, male or female, who were instrumental in your life. Call his parents and send some flowers to his funeral. Go with your heart because it never steers you wrong.
Anonymous
Post 02/15/2012 11:33     Subject: Re:What to do about dying ex?
Anonymous wrote:It's OP. I definitely fall into category 1. I'm over him romantically. We'll always have the crazy and fun times we shared, but there was no way we could have ever shared a life together. I knew that from the start and, although I got sucked back in many times, I always knew I wouldn't settle down with him. For the PP that mentioned his being unmarried doesn't mean he's not over me: you're right. I hear from friends (and him, occasionally - through FB) that he's seeing other people but it never works out. When I visited last year, he brought gifts to my kids and enjoyed seeing them. It was very sweet and a little sad. But, you're right. I'm sure he was happy -- at least I hope he was.


If you were close enough still with your ex that when you went back home that - not only did you see him - but he brought gifts for your kids, then you are close enough to call/write and attend the funeral.

I also have to ask - why would your DH be bothered by you attending the funeral of what was a close person in your life and somebody you still kept in touch with if he didn't have a problem with you seeing him last year and introducing your kids?

At first I thought you didn't really keep in touch with your ex, but from this post it sounds like you did, so this seems like a no brainer to me.
Anonymous
Post 02/15/2012 11:22     Subject: Re:What to do about dying ex?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I haven't told DH yet because I just found out this morning. Needless to say, neither DH nor the ex were too fond of each other. They only met a couple of times. Obviously, I know I can't run home (nor do I necessarily want to) to what will likely be a funeral. My parents are out of the country, so I can't even send one of them in my stead. I just feel like our relationship was a significant part of both of our lives and, because he never ended up married with a family of his own, that I owe him something at this point. I know that's irrational but I keep thinking people want me to do something. I heard from two different friends first thing this morning (after it happened)-- "we knew you'd want to know." and "we'll let you know when we hear more." Again, not sure how to process it.


Pardon me for saying so, but this is somewhat big-headed. You have no idea if he was single because he never got over you...it could just be he preferred that. You do not owe him anything-the relationship is long over, and you have (you say) moved on with your life. You should do what makes you comfortable, so if you want to go to the funeral, you should go (I would in your place). But don't go because you feel like it's expected of you, or because you owe it to him. He's going to be past caring at that point anyway.

If you were close to his parents, I'd write them and express your sympathies. Then go to the funeral if you want to.


I have to agree with this poster. I think you're tripping yourself up by focusing on your significance in his life. You will be one of many people who reach out and offer condolences. He was an important part of your life and there is nothing wrong with expressing this to him and/or his family. Are you thinking that whatever action you take or don't take will have a profound impact on his final moments? If so, I believe you're over-thinking it. Your mutual friends were right to keep you updated on how he's doing, because why wouldn't you want to know (especially if you were still in contact with him, enough for you to meet his kids). I don't imagine anyone has any expectation of you at all. Just do what feels right.


PP again. Just wanted to add that this is a sad, sad situation - and NOT because you may have broken his heart years ago. Just let go of that.
Anonymous
Post 02/15/2012 11:16     Subject: Re:What to do about dying ex?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I haven't told DH yet because I just found out this morning. Needless to say, neither DH nor the ex were too fond of each other. They only met a couple of times. Obviously, I know I can't run home (nor do I necessarily want to) to what will likely be a funeral. My parents are out of the country, so I can't even send one of them in my stead. I just feel like our relationship was a significant part of both of our lives and, because he never ended up married with a family of his own, that I owe him something at this point. I know that's irrational but I keep thinking people want me to do something. I heard from two different friends first thing this morning (after it happened)-- "we knew you'd want to know." and "we'll let you know when we hear more." Again, not sure how to process it.


Pardon me for saying so, but this is somewhat big-headed. You have no idea if he was single because he never got over you...it could just be he preferred that. You do not owe him anything-the relationship is long over, and you have (you say) moved on with your life. You should do what makes you comfortable, so if you want to go to the funeral, you should go (I would in your place). But don't go because you feel like it's expected of you, or because you owe it to him. He's going to be past caring at that point anyway.

If you were close to his parents, I'd write them and express your sympathies. Then go to the funeral if you want to.


I have to agree with this poster. I think you're tripping yourself up by focusing on your significance in his life. You will be one of many people who reach out and offer condolences. He was an important part of your life and there is nothing wrong with expressing this to him and/or his family. Are you thinking that whatever action you take or don't take will have a profound impact on his final moments? If so, I believe you're over-thinking it. Your mutual friends were right to keep you updated on how he's doing, because why wouldn't you want to know (especially if you were still in contact with him, enough for you to meet his kids). I don't imagine anyone has any expectation of you at all. Just do what feels right.
Anonymous
Post 02/15/2012 10:34     Subject: Re:What to do about dying ex?
Anonymous wrote:9:36 here. I just want to add that if DH had an ex like this, I would urge him to do what he felt comfortable with, even if that meant he would go to the funeral. This person was a major part in shaping your life. I am secure enough in my marriage that I know DH would be going to honor that part of his life, not because he regrets being married to me. Hopefully your DH would feel the same about this situation. Only *you* can know what you are feeling. If you are realizing that you have unresolved feelings buried deeply after all this time, then that is something you need to address. But I don't see any harm in remembering this man as a boy you once (past tense) loved, and who helped put you on a path to the wife and mother you now are.


this.
Anonymous
Post 02/15/2012 10:22     Subject: Re:What to do about dying ex?
Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry OP but I have to mention something that I think is worth noting. As someone who remained single till my mid 30s please don't assume since he is unmarried and childless that he never got over you or that he doesn't have other close people currently in his life. He doesn't need to make similar life commitments as yourself in order to be over the relationship.


This. Frankly OP I think that you are being a bit full of yourself. Unless he specifically request your presence I think you should leave the man alone and let him die in peace. If you are still close to his family you can send your sympathies after the fact.
Anonymous
Post 02/15/2012 10:13     Subject: Re:What to do about dying ex?
I appreciate all of your comments. There's a lot to think about here. I am definitely not giving DH enough credit. I am pretty sure he would understand that I need to go back home if there is a funeral. For now, I'm going to write a note and send it to the hospital. His family was nothing if not dysfunctional and I'm not sure what they are doing now to support him. I'd rather my words go directly to him, even if someone else has to read them to him.
Anonymous
Post 02/15/2012 10:06     Subject: What to do about dying ex?
OP,

Absolutely go to the funeral. You and he were still in touch.

If he survives, send him and perhaps his family a card to let him/them know you're thinking of him and wishing him well in his recovery.

If DH has issues about your going to the funeral, you've got issues with DH. That would be a bit much.
Anonymous
Post 02/15/2012 10:00     Subject: What to do about dying ex?
Anonymous wrote:I think going to the funeral would be a good idea. I'm sure you will re-connect with his family and friends and be able to share many fond memories of him. Personally, I wouldn't be too worried about my DH, its a little late to get back together with your ex at the funeral and all.


Ditto. My DH doesn't get a say when the ex is dead.