Anonymous wrote:

Don't you think it hurts kids to have them grow up thinking marriage is a loveless exercise in endurance and having children means postponing your own happiness for decades?

No, I think it hurts kids more to shuttle between homes, have their HHI income drop precipitously, spend their holidays wishing the other parent was around, let's see, what else? Oh, pretending to "love" the new step siblings, wondering if the infant half-sibling is more cherished than they are, STILL listening to their parents bicker on the phone because that never actually stops, trying to be impossibly "good" so as not to upset the apple cart even further, wondering where the hell that Dad went ....

It's not a dumb fluke that the couples with the highest amount of education -- meaning, among other things, they read a lot and follow current research -- are the least likely to divorce and presumably therefore, the most likely to tough it out for the sake of their children.

No 8 year old wants his Mommy to Just Be Happy and Find Excitement Again with some new guy named Tim, if it means exploding a non-abusive family dynamic.

So uh, yeah, I'm trying to gut it out for my kids.

Anonymous wrote:

FIrst of all, kudos to you. Second, what did you talk to the young woman for an hour about and why were you happy you did?

Yes, do tell! I am so curious how that conversation went!

I don't know where to start. Your marriage is one of the most nauseating stories I've ever read. You said you were unhappy in your marriage, and your husband got himself a young "girlfriend?" Gross. Why didn't he try to work on your marriage? Why didn't he try to get you into marriage counseling?

Instead, he found some young naive woman?

"Minor conditions" are marital therapy and contact info for your husband's young, naive lover?

I give you three more years of bliss, tops. I'm sorry, but your story is so unhealthy in every way.


You need lots and lots of individual therapy.

FIrst of all, kudos to you. Second, what did you talk to the young woman for an hour about and why were you happy you did?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to have this plan. I had it all figured out - I would pack my bags the night before my youngest graduated from high and then once the event was over I would walk off into the sunset and never look back. I figured that I would leave my DH to take care of the legal details of the demise of our marriage. I also used to wish that he got himself a girlfriend bc then I would be totally free from guilt about the lack of sex (I had zero interest).

Well, a funny thing happened - he called my bluff and forced me to take a long hard look at my "plan". He got a "girlfriend". I put the word in quotes bc both he and her swear that they never had any phyical contact (she lives in another state). When I found out I asked him if he wanted a divorce. He said no, he said he had no interest in leaving me that he had too much invested in our marriage and our kids and that while he was not happy with me he still loved me and that his wanting to have sex with another did not mean he did not love me. I insisted that divorce was best of us, he said no and asked (he did not beg) and asked me to think about it before making a final decision. I took me 3 days but I agreed to give the marriage a real shot so long as he met two minor conditions.

Its been six months and its like we are two different people and our marriage is amazing. The sex is great, he is an amazing father - he is doing all the things that were lacking that made me plan to leave him in the first place and I am definately giving him what he needs most - my attention. We are definately not perfect and every once in a while I freak out and get suspicious (he travels some), but now I just tell him upfront what i am feeling and he is good at addressing my fears and concerns.

I guess what I learned from this whole experience is that no one wants to be on the receving end of a "sham" marriage and sometimes it really does not take that much effort to make each other happy. It also take so much less emotional energy than trying to put of a "brave face" just for the sake of the children. I am saying that we wont end up divorced anyway but for now we are both taking this marriage thing seruosly and be are both better off and so are our kids.

"not saying"

What were the two minor conditions?

Couples counseling and the telephone number for the other woman. She was very nice, young and naive but nice. I spent about an hour talking to her and I am very happy that I did.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to have this plan. I had it all figured out - I would pack my bags the night before my youngest graduated from high and then once the event was over I would walk off into the sunset and never look back. I figured that I would leave my DH to take care of the legal details of the demise of our marriage. I also used to wish that he got himself a girlfriend bc then I would be totally free from guilt about the lack of sex (I had zero interest).

Well, a funny thing happened - he called my bluff and forced me to take a long hard look at my "plan". He got a "girlfriend". I put the word in quotes bc both he and her swear that they never had any phyical contact (she lives in another state). When I found out I asked him if he wanted a divorce. He said no, he said he had no interest in leaving me that he had too much invested in our marriage and our kids and that while he was not happy with me he still loved me and that his wanting to have sex with another did not mean he did not love me. I insisted that divorce was best of us, he said no and asked (he did not beg) and asked me to think about it before making a final decision. I took me 3 days but I agreed to give the marriage a real shot so long as he met two minor conditions.

Its been six months and its like we are two different people and our marriage is amazing. The sex is great, he is an amazing father - he is doing all the things that were lacking that made me plan to leave him in the first place and I am definately giving him what he needs most - my attention. We are definately not perfect and every once in a while I freak out and get suspicious (he travels some), but now I just tell him upfront what i am feeling and he is good at addressing my fears and concerns.

I guess what I learned from this whole experience is that no one wants to be on the receving end of a "sham" marriage and sometimes it really does not take that much effort to make each other happy. It also take so much less emotional energy than trying to put of a "brave face" just for the sake of the children. I am saying that we wont end up divorced anyway but for now we are both taking this marriage thing seruosly and be are both better off and so are our kids.

"not saying"

What were the two minor conditions?

Couples counseling and the telephone number for the other woman. She was very nice, young and naive but nice. I spent about an hour talking to her and I am very happy that I did.

I don't know where to start. Your marriage is one of the most nauseating stories I've ever read. You said you were unhappy in your marriage, and your husband got himself a young "girlfriend?" Gross. Why didn't he try to work on your marriage? Why didn't he try to get you into marriage counseling?

Instead, he found some young naive woman?

"Minor conditions" are marital therapy and contact info for your husband's young, naive lover?

I give you three more years of bliss, tops. I'm sorry, but your story is so unhealthy in every way.


You need lots and lots of individual therapy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to have this plan. I had it all figured out - I would pack my bags the night before my youngest graduated from high and then once the event was over I would walk off into the sunset and never look back. I figured that I would leave my DH to take care of the legal details of the demise of our marriage. I also used to wish that he got himself a girlfriend bc then I would be totally free from guilt about the lack of sex (I had zero interest).

Well, a funny thing happened - he called my bluff and forced me to take a long hard look at my "plan". He got a "girlfriend". I put the word in quotes bc both he and her swear that they never had any phyical contact (she lives in another state). When I found out I asked him if he wanted a divorce. He said no, he said he had no interest in leaving me that he had too much invested in our marriage and our kids and that while he was not happy with me he still loved me and that his wanting to have sex with another did not mean he did not love me. I insisted that divorce was best of us, he said no and asked (he did not beg) and asked me to think about it before making a final decision. I took me 3 days but I agreed to give the marriage a real shot so long as he met two minor conditions.

Its been six months and its like we are two different people and our marriage is amazing. The sex is great, he is an amazing father - he is doing all the things that were lacking that made me plan to leave him in the first place and I am definately giving him what he needs most - my attention. We are definately not perfect and every once in a while I freak out and get suspicious (he travels some), but now I just tell him upfront what i am feeling and he is good at addressing my fears and concerns.

I guess what I learned from this whole experience is that no one wants to be on the receving end of a "sham" marriage and sometimes it really does not take that much effort to make each other happy. It also take so much less emotional energy than trying to put of a "brave face" just for the sake of the children. I am saying that we wont end up divorced anyway but for now we are both taking this marriage thing seruosly and be are both better off and so are our kids.

"not saying"

What were the two minor conditions?

Couples counseling and the telephone number for the other woman. She was very nice, young and naive but nice. I spent about an hour talking to her and I am very happy that I did.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to have this plan. I had it all figured out - I would pack my bags the night before my youngest graduated from high and then once the event was over I would walk off into the sunset and never look back. I figured that I would leave my DH to take care of the legal details of the demise of our marriage. I also used to wish that he got himself a girlfriend bc then I would be totally free from guilt about the lack of sex (I had zero interest).

Well, a funny thing happened - he called my bluff and forced me to take a long hard look at my "plan". He got a "girlfriend". I put the word in quotes bc both he and her swear that they never had any phyical contact (she lives in another state). When I found out I asked him if he wanted a divorce. He said no, he said he had no interest in leaving me that he had too much invested in our marriage and our kids and that while he was not happy with me he still loved me and that his wanting to have sex with another did not mean he did not love me. I insisted that divorce was best of us, he said no and asked (he did not beg) and asked me to think about it before making a final decision. I took me 3 days but I agreed to give the marriage a real shot so long as he met two minor conditions.

Its been six months and its like we are two different people and our marriage is amazing. The sex is great, he is an amazing father - he is doing all the things that were lacking that made me plan to leave him in the first place and I am definately giving him what he needs most - my attention. We are definately not perfect and every once in a while I freak out and get suspicious (he travels some), but now I just tell him upfront what i am feeling and he is good at addressing my fears and concerns.

I guess what I learned from this whole experience is that no one wants to be on the receving end of a "sham" marriage and sometimes it really does not take that much effort to make each other happy. It also take so much less emotional energy than trying to put of a "brave face" just for the sake of the children. I am saying that we wont end up divorced anyway but for now we are both taking this marriage thing seruosly and be are both better off and so are our kids.

"not saying"

What were the two minor conditions?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to have this plan. I had it all figured out - I would pack my bags the night before my youngest graduated from high and then once the event was over I would walk off into the sunset and never look back. I figured that I would leave my DH to take care of the legal details of the demise of our marriage. I also used to wish that he got himself a girlfriend bc then I would be totally free from guilt about the lack of sex (I had zero interest).

Well, a funny thing happened - he called my bluff and forced me to take a long hard look at my "plan". He got a "girlfriend". I put the word in quotes bc both he and her swear that they never had any phyical contact (she lives in another state). When I found out I asked him if he wanted a divorce. He said no, he said he had no interest in leaving me that he had too much invested in our marriage and our kids and that while he was not happy with me he still loved me and that his wanting to have sex with another did not mean he did not love me. I insisted that divorce was best of us, he said no and asked (he did not beg) and asked me to think about it before making a final decision. I took me 3 days but I agreed to give the marriage a real shot so long as he met two minor conditions.

Its been six months and its like we are two different people and our marriage is amazing. The sex is great, he is an amazing father - he is doing all the things that were lacking that made me plan to leave him in the first place and I am definately giving him what he needs most - my attention. We are definately not perfect and every once in a while I freak out and get suspicious (he travels some), but now I just tell him upfront what i am feeling and he is good at addressing my fears and concerns.

I guess what I learned from this whole experience is that no one wants to be on the receving end of a "sham" marriage and sometimes it really does not take that much effort to make each other happy. It also take so much less emotional energy than trying to put of a "brave face" just for the sake of the children. I am saying that we wont end up divorced anyway but for now we are both taking this marriage thing seruosly and be are both better off and so are our kids.

"not saying"

Anonymous wrote:I used to have this plan. I had it all figured out - I would pack my bags the night before my youngest graduated from high and then once the event was over I would walk off into the sunset and never look back. I figured that I would leave my DH to take care of the legal details of the demise of our marriage. I also used to wish that he got himself a girlfriend bc then I would be totally free from guilt about the lack of sex (I had zero interest).

Well, a funny thing happened - he called my bluff and forced me to take a long hard look at my "plan". He got a "girlfriend". I put the word in quotes bc both he and her swear that they never had any phyical contact (she lives in another state). When I found out I asked him if he wanted a divorce. He said no, he said he had no interest in leaving me that he had too much invested in our marriage and our kids and that while he was not happy with me he still loved me and that his wanting to have sex with another did not mean he did not love me. I insisted that divorce was best of us, he said no and asked (he did not beg) and asked me to think about it before making a final decision. I took me 3 days but I agreed to give the marriage a real shot so long as he met two minor conditions.

Its been six months and its like we are two different people and our marriage is amazing. The sex is great, he is an amazing father - he is doing all the things that were lacking that made me plan to leave him in the first place and I am definately giving him what he needs most - my attention. We are definately not perfect and every once in a while I freak out and get suspicious (he travels some), but now I just tell him upfront what i am feeling and he is good at addressing my fears and concerns.

I guess what I learned from this whole experience is that no one wants to be on the receving end of a "sham" marriage and sometimes it really does not take that much effort to make each other happy. It also take so much less emotional energy than trying to put of a "brave face" just for the sake of the children. I am saying that we wont end up divorced anyway but for now we are both taking this marriage thing seruosly and be are both better off and so are our kids.