Sorry for the bind you're in OP. But my two cents are that if you take him in, and/or provide for him, then there is zero chance he will ever stand on his own. Zero.

Boundaries, appropriate expectations, putting your family first, etc...

You are not your brother's keeper.

Good luck.

A close friend of mine lost her brother last year.
He was smart, educated (law degree), divorced with kids, funny, intellectual. But he suffered from mental illness.
Friend's mom coddled him and always provided for him (even when he was married, she would often pay bills).
He never managed to keep a job for a full year, the bosses were always mean and "out to get" him.
He was in and out of hospitals for mental illness.
I never heard about any addiction problems, just mental illness that was an embarrassment for the family-so they just coddled and sheltered him.
He died in his late 40s. Maybe suicide, definitely involved his prescription drugs.

Not sure what I am saying...just that you could lose him and he is your brother. You don't want to live with regrets. Good luck to both of you.

PP again.
This same sister threatens and has already attempted suicide on multiple occasions. Siblings say it is manipulative to some extent, as well as part of her mental illness. But it is the reason they do not want her to hit rock bottom and be homeless.

I know a woman like this.


My friend's sister. Mentally ill, addicted to drugs, with a drug dealer boyfriend she cannot seem to shake off. Otherwise a talented, artistic, charming person.

When their remaining parent died, the sister's portion of the inheritance went into a trust fund administered by the siblings. It is used to pay basic necessities. I believe she also receives some government help and is holding on to a rent-controlled apartment that she was lucky to get. Everything is supposed to be paid to the providers directly, not to her.

Of course, there is tension and occasional flare-ups. One sibling can't bother and just writes checks to the sister directly without verifying where it goes, which annoys the other sibling greatly since the sister has abused this system in the past. As a result, rent doesn't get paid, she is threatened with eviction, everybody rushes to pacify and pay the landlord, etc...

A trust fund is the system with greatest safeguards, though.

I have an uncle like this. My mom and dad had a conversation and decided that they couldn't in good conscience leave him entirely alone but also would not let him become a constant stressor to our nuclear family. They set up ground rules between the two of them as to what they would or wouldn't pay for (court costs, rehab, medical care=yes; rent, food, professional training=no, they would help him find government-funded assistance with those things). What they did pay they always paid directly ro the provider. If he was living on the streets (which he did on and off), they would buy him used but high-quality cold-weather gear, and would welcome him to join them for dinner as many nights as he was clean and sober. He was welcome to dine with us, shower and do laundry, but no overnights, and he was never alone with us kids.

They also budgeted for him. They set aside a certain amount each month (amount varied over the 30+ years between their marriage and his death) and when an issue came up, that was the money they could use to help. If that money was used up, then they couldn't help. He never really shaped up, but at least he didn't drag our family into constant turmoil along with him. Sometimes that's the best you can do.

Anonymous wrote:Good luck, OP. I don't have a drug addicted family member, BUT I have had to talk about a similar scenario re: my BIL many times. Unfortunately, he also comes with 2 kids in tow. My husband almost caved when he heard that his brother's girlfriend and the kids were on medicaid and food stamps (after my IL's realized they no longer could afford to support the extra 4 people in their house). I had to remind him that nothing good comes of us sending money as we know they wouldn't do anything worthwhile with it. And frankly, our tax dollars ARE already supporting them. But I do fear what happens if and when my ILs pass - I have said I might be willing to take in the kids (our niece and nephew), because they didn't ask to be born to idiots, but no way no how are the two adults moving into our house.

It's kind of you to take in the kids. Sadly, no good deed goes unpunished. I hope they don't have any more kids.

Anonymous wrote:Hold your own, OP. He's a grown-ass man. He can shift for himself, and if he has to live on the streets, he has to live on the streets. That's his choice, no one is forcing that on him.

Start drawing clear boundaries now, so he knows what to expect. Don't lend him money, don't let him crash with you, and keep offering appropriate help (financial counseling, therapy, etc.).

Beyond that, there's nothing you can do but prepare yourself and him for the inevitable fight that will come when his current gravy train runs out.

+1000

Why is this story so often about brothers/ men, and not women?

"I'm struggling with what to do and how to handle the situation".

This is not your problem. Don't make it your problem - if you do, it will be YOUR fault that you bring heartache to your current family (which I'm guessing a husband and maybe kids)

I have 2 brothers like this, one is 45, just moved in with my Mom, looking for work but does not have a checking acct., a car, a degree, etc. He does have a 2o yr old son, my Mom helped raise him. My other brother (half) has been in rehab numerous times for Meth addiction, lives off of my stepMom who enables him due to guilt I guess at him losing his Dad very young. It is all so sad...My guess is that depression plays a big part of it for both of my brothers. Untreated.

I am a real estate agent, and I am sad to say that I have often encountered these types of "brothers" who have stayed in the family home, doing as they please and being supported by their parents. When the second parents die, the "normal" siblings gather to decide "what to do" about the brother. They often are so guilty that they take the money from the sale of the family home and give it to the brother. The majority are smart enough to set up some type of trust so that there is some control over the money, and he can't blow through it quickly. It is very sad, but a fact of life.

My brother is 60 and he and his wife have been living in a cheap motel for almost one year. Over the past 10 months I have given/spent/paid rent to to the tune of just under $6,000. I paid a month's rent at the motel because they both promised to get jobs within two weeks. That was two months ago. The wife got a job with a cleaning service and lasted two days..."came home crying every night because the business owner is a 'nut job.'" So, she quit the job. My brother never got a job. Finally, I said "no more!" I have my own life to take care of and after all the money they are in the same situation they were when I first started helping them. Last weekend they were kicked out of the motel for non-payment of rent and they moved in with the wife's mother, who has a small apartment. They could have done that at the beginning of this saga and I'd still have my $6k. I was a fool and allowed myself to be manipulated by them...I was a sucker because I care about them. But, no more. I refuse to allow them to use me anymore. It is not a money issue with them...it is a behavioral issue. Bad choices...there have been times in their lives when they had money and opportunities, but bad choices took care of that. My advise to all...if the person is capable of obtaining employment, and refuses to do so...let them live with the consequences of their own actions...if they become homeless...so be it. My brother and his wife are not handicapped or mentally ill..they are bright, likeable people who are just too lazy to work. They want someone, anyone, to take care of them. So, now they have a new person to manipulate.

huh

OP - another person here with no answers. Just chiming in that I am another person with a brother who lives similar to yours.

He is 52, unemployed and mentally ill. Most days he appears totally normal and can be utterly charming. currently, he is supported by an older sugar mama. My parents have enabled him most of his life. My mom feels guilty for his lot in life. Never mind she has 3 other 'normal' kids. My brother has a mental illness that he refuses to acknowledge.

I've learned to let my mom do what she feels she must do. We tried an intervention about 12 years ago and it backfired.

All I can think of is that when my parents die, he will get a small inheritance. My parents have written into their wills that his inheritance will be paid out over time - not a lump sum.

Do NOT allow him to live with you. Ever. Do NOT ever, ever, ever give him money. Ever.

One thing that anyone with a sibling like this can do that will really help is to pay their court costs if they are arrested and convicted for something. People with drug problems and people who are dysfunctional because they are mentally ill or because they have been helicoptered or coddled their whole lives tend to get arrested once their family stops enabling them. If they are convicted, the court assesses mandatory court costs which cannot be suspended or eliminated. If they aren't paid within a short period of time, the person's privilege to drive is suspended. They have to pay a fee at the DMV to reissue their license after they pay their outstanding costs. If they get caught driving before reinstating their license, they get a driving on suspended charge and that might lead to another conviction and more court costs. Interest accrues on outstanding costs so if they are left unpaid, the amount increases over time. So this can be very helpful for family members who are never going to be productive.