Anonymous wrote:I'm a rape victim myself (by a stranger, held at knifepoint - 28 yrs. ago), and I have no advice. I feel for you and I feel for her. It's so fresh for her, you know? Can you talk to her, openly, and be very frank? Be kind, but tell her your thoughts, but don't tell her that you can't be there for her, you might send her off the edge. Being raped, or almost being raped, is just so fucking traumatizing - I still, to this day, can't believe it actually happened to me. I never tell anyone either, because of the stupid responses, or weird looks, it's as if I'm some leper.

Help her find someone to talk to. I understand her pain and your pain - it's something that should never never happen to anyone.

Your post really struck me. I haven't been raped but I had a horrific childhood, a lot of trauma and moved far away as soon as I could. I've worked really hard to overcome my childhood and am really happy with the loving family I've created. I can speak freely about my upbringing to people here but on the few occasions I go home or when I'm in contact with someone who 'knew me when', I'm feel some shame and have a lingering fear that the past will come up. I hear your story and see that you get stupid responses, weird looks, etc. and I'm filled with rage. There is NOTHING wrong with you! I know I should feel no shame, no reluctance, no fear and it's easier said than done but I really don't want you feeling that way. We are strong, we are resilient, we are survivors! Why do these negative feelings still haunt us?

I really feel for you OP and your friend. I don't have any advice to offer but I do think it is strange that she is so mad at her husband. I have never been through an experience like yours or hers so maybe I am missing something. As someone who has been there it must be frustrating to know what she should do to help herself, but also know you can't do it for her.

I think your next step is to maybe help her stop lashing out at the people she should be leaning on for support (I don't mean this to sound uncaring, like I said I have never been there so I can't image being mad at someone who wasn't there for the attack.) Hopefully she can then be ready to move into healing mode and get some therapy for herself.

Good luck OP, you sound like very strong person, your friend is lucky to have you.

First of all, you're not being a bad friend.

A lot of how I personally would proceed depends on what this friend is like outside of this issue. Frankly, and this kind of sounds mean, some people just don't have coping skills and can't get over things. What she experienced was frightening and awful, I really wouldn't wish it on anyone. But as you've pointed out, you went through worse and anyway, a person has to learn how to cope and do therapy or whatever it takes. It can take time, however some people never manage to snap out of it, whatever the trauma or upset was. If this is the case, you especially need to distance yourself. There are just some people who really get stuck on things and become like vampires to the people around them, sucking their energy, not giving back, etc. Only you know this friend and what she's like overall. Again, I don't want to minimize what happened to her or give her a specific timeline of when a person "should" be able to handle what happened.

"I explain that I made a choice not to let it ruin my life she yells at me"

She is not capable of doing this because she is too messed up. At the point it happened to you, I doubt you could have taken that advice, either. It would have sounded a lot like "fix yourself" or "put it out of your mind, it's all in your head".

You got better by using therapy to get to the point where you could take control. She needs to do the same. She's trying to skip that step and obviously she is not capable of doing that.

She needs therapy, and don't shy away from that. You are a good friend. If she makes you feel like shit, imagine how her husband feels. It's the assault talking, she's not in control right now.

OMG is there even any need to be gentle with this person? If I were you, I would have bitch slapped her out of it by now.

There is not help for those that don't want to help themselves. Sorry.