Anonymous wrote:Wht haven't you mentioned your husband yet?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I will be a dissenting voice. We all have a need to feel attractive, so I suggest you use your work friend to fill this purpose. Nothing says that once you married, you cannot have even an innocent flirtatious exchange that means nothing more than "I find you attractive" - "Thank you." Men will still pay you compliments, even if you have a wedding ring on your finger. You still have to find a way to accept them gracefully, unless you want to be a total spoilsport. There are ways to enjoy compliments and attention without crossing the line. It can be fun if you learn how to do it and don't go into a pre-paralysis every time a man looks at you approvingly.

My husband works at an office full of young girls. I'm sure they look up to him, and I'm sure he enjoys it. Why not let him? Everyone likes to be liked. I have full confidence that he will not take it any further, and if all they do is work together, swap an occasional compliment and lunch, it doesn't quicken my pulse.

My take is that Op is already following your suggestion. She's at stage 2, which involves posting on DCUM about her "dilemma" to get further validation from other posters.

Interesting recommendation about using people, BTW. I'm impressed with how you suggest OP use this co-worker, then explain that it's about not being a spoilsport or going into "pre-paralysis."

In case you are honestly impressed, then thank you for the compliment. If you are being sarcastic, then I totally don't understand what you find objectionable about "using" people that way, as unfortunate as that term might be. Smiles and compliments aren't tokens you can take to the cashier to get a sex voucher, so let's not make a federal case about leading anyone on.

I also don't think there is anything remotely untoward about the OP's scenario. So a guy at work gives her a friendly look. There is nothing in the entire thing to suggest he's about to ask you out. He hasn't slipped you his room key. He hasn't gifted you with lacy underthings for Xmas. He hasn't said anything suggestive to you. (Has he?) For all you know, he's got a satisfying social and sex life, and you are just a friendly and attractive colleague. Are you sure you aren't imagining things? Or do you just have a massive reservation about accepting even a modicum of attention from the opposite sex, now that you are legally bound to one man?

There is a man in my department who's cute, smart and looks at me approvingly. I smile back. Every now and again he tells me I look nice. I say thank you. Every few weeks we go to lunch and have a nice time chatting and joking. We talk about anything. My ring is in full view as are pictures of my kids. I go back to my desk with a smile on my face. We never talk outside of work. There are a few others like him. I would be aghast if you suggested that I am somehow "using" them or am otherwise in violation of some mysterious, draconian code of acceptable gender interactions for married people.

Lady you are skating on millimeter thick ice. Lunches joking with a smile after? Youre about a month away from tawdry hookups in the office supply closet. Beware!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I will be a dissenting voice. We all have a need to feel attractive, so I suggest you use your work friend to fill this purpose. Nothing says that once you married, you cannot have even an innocent flirtatious exchange that means nothing more than "I find you attractive" - "Thank you." Men will still pay you compliments, even if you have a wedding ring on your finger. You still have to find a way to accept them gracefully, unless you want to be a total spoilsport. There are ways to enjoy compliments and attention without crossing the line. It can be fun if you learn how to do it and don't go into a pre-paralysis every time a man looks at you approvingly.

My husband works at an office full of young girls. I'm sure they look up to him, and I'm sure he enjoys it. Why not let him? Everyone likes to be liked. I have full confidence that he will not take it any further, and if all they do is work together, swap an occasional compliment and lunch, it doesn't quicken my pulse.

My take is that Op is already following your suggestion. She's at stage 2, which involves posting on DCUM about her "dilemma" to get further validation from other posters.

Interesting recommendation about using people, BTW. I'm impressed with how you suggest OP use this co-worker, then explain that it's about not being a spoilsport or going into "pre-paralysis."

In case you are honestly impressed, then thank you for the compliment. If you are being sarcastic, then I totally don't understand what you find objectionable about "using" people that way, as unfortunate as that term might be. Smiles and compliments aren't tokens you can take to the cashier to get a sex voucher, so let's not make a federal case about leading anyone on.

I also don't think there is anything remotely untoward about the OP's scenario. So a guy at work gives her a friendly look. There is nothing in the entire thing to suggest he's about to ask you out. He hasn't slipped you his room key. He hasn't gifted you with lacy underthings for Xmas. He hasn't said anything suggestive to you. (Has he?) For all you know, he's got a satisfying social and sex life, and you are just a friendly and attractive colleague. Are you sure you aren't imagining things? Or do you just have a massive reservation about accepting even a modicum of attention from the opposite sex, now that you are legally bound to one man?

There is a man in my department who's cute, smart and looks at me approvingly. I smile back. Every now and again he tells me I look nice. I say thank you. Every few weeks we go to lunch and have a nice time chatting and joking. We talk about anything. My ring is in full view as are pictures of my kids. I go back to my desk with a smile on my face. We never talk outside of work. There are a few others like him. I would be aghast if you suggested that I am somehow "using" them or am otherwise in violation of some mysterious, draconian code of acceptable gender interactions for married people.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I will be a dissenting voice. We all have a need to feel attractive, so I suggest you use your work friend to fill this purpose. Nothing says that once you married, you cannot have even an innocent flirtatious exchange that means nothing more than "I find you attractive" - "Thank you." Men will still pay you compliments, even if you have a wedding ring on your finger. You still have to find a way to accept them gracefully, unless you want to be a total spoilsport. There are ways to enjoy compliments and attention without crossing the line. It can be fun if you learn how to do it and don't go into a pre-paralysis every time a man looks at you approvingly.

My husband works at an office full of young girls. I'm sure they look up to him, and I'm sure he enjoys it. Why not let him? Everyone likes to be liked. I have full confidence that he will not take it any further, and if all they do is work together, swap an occasional compliment and lunch, it doesn't quicken my pulse.

My take is that Op is already following your suggestion. She's at stage 2, which involves posting on DCUM about her "dilemma" to get further validation from other posters.

Interesting recommendation about using people, BTW. I'm impressed with how you suggest OP use this co-worker, then explain that it's about not being a spoilsport or going into "pre-paralysis."

Anonymous wrote:OP, I will be a dissenting voice. We all have a need to feel attractive, so I suggest you use your work friend to fill this purpose. Nothing says that once you married, you cannot have even an innocent flirtatious exchange that means nothing more than "I find you attractive" - "Thank you." Men will still pay you compliments, even if you have a wedding ring on your finger. You still have to find a way to accept them gracefully, unless you want to be a total spoilsport. There are ways to enjoy compliments and attention without crossing the line. It can be fun if you learn how to do it and don't go into a pre-paralysis every time a man looks at you approvingly.

My husband works at an office full of young girls. I'm sure they look up to him, and I'm sure he enjoys it. Why not let him? Everyone likes to be liked. I have full confidence that he will not take it any further, and if all they do is work together, swap an occasional compliment and lunch, it doesn't quicken my pulse.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Not an ego boost. Our conversations have been short and relatively superficial. Like I said, for awhile I have been avoiding him, but then he'd initiate conversations - like "Bundle up out there, it's a cold one today!" Not very polite to respond with "Yeah, I had to make sure my husband and kids bundled up today too!" I feel like that is just rude. There has just been no obvious point where I felt I could bring up my family where it didn't seen painfully rude. But if that is better than letting it go on as it is, I'll do it. I really just don't want to be mean to him.

Anonymous wrote:There is a guy at work that I just see in passing a few times a week. Think for example, someone in another department, or a security guard or something. He's attractive, so the first few times I saw him I did look at him and our eyes met. I'm married (and have NO intention of cheating) so I started to avoid him, not wanting to lead him on. Then when I did see him, I tried to avoid eye contact (check my cell phone, etc.). But then he started initiating conversations when I walked by, and I didn't want to be rude to him, so I'd chat with him and be on my way. This has been going on for a few months now. I can tell he's about to ask me out, and at this point I really like the guy (as a friend) and I don't want to hurt his feelings or embarrass him. I wear my engagement ring AND my wedding band every day, so I would think it would be obvious. I just want to be nice to him. Is it better to find a way to insert the words "husband" or "kids" into a conversation, or is that worse than letting him ask me out and telling him that I totally would if I were single?

Men, what would you prefer?