Anonymous
Post 12/04/2011 21:57     Subject: Re:Is it ever okay for DH to call wife a "b*tch" or "f-ck you" on a regular basis?
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Your messages super useful, and thanks for the empathy. For those who are encountering this early in your relationship, put your foot down early. I have waited too long. Years ago I was really hurt by this, and a couples counselor told my husband to stop calling me such names, in exchange for me forgetting/forgiving. But now it is happening all the time again-- and the apologies afterward from DH seem disingenuous because it happens again a couple days, or a few weeks later. He apologies but conditions it on that my poor communication style is at fault, that he does not like the tone of my voice. Really I am not a yeller, and if anything my tone can probably sound pained or emotional, or he projects meaning into something I have not said, and then the b-word or f-bomb comes out from him. But at times it is for mundane things like not getting the right sandwich for him (okay, that was years ago, but you get the point). It is helpful to know that this is not normal (hello, denial for me, apparently!), and also that others have experienced this..


OP do you have kids? If so or not- please do it for them! Do not accept this behaviour- seriously- imagine someone was treating your child with these words- this might helpy ou get the inner fire.. do not accept this but please do.. best
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2011 21:49     Subject: Re:Is it ever okay for DH to call wife a "b*tch" or "f-ck you" on a regular basis?
OP here. Your messages super useful, and thanks for the empathy. For those who are encountering this early in your relationship, put your foot down early. I have waited too long. Years ago I was really hurt by this, and a couples counselor told my husband to stop calling me such names, in exchange for me forgetting/forgiving. But now it is happening all the time again-- and the apologies afterward from DH seem disingenuous because it happens again a couple days, or a few weeks later. He apologies but conditions it on that my poor communication style is at fault, that he does not like the tone of my voice. Really I am not a yeller, and if anything my tone can probably sound pained or emotional, or he projects meaning into something I have not said, and then the b-word or f-bomb comes out from him. But at times it is for mundane things like not getting the right sandwich for him (okay, that was years ago, but you get the point). It is helpful to know that this is not normal (hello, denial for me, apparently!), and also that others have experienced this..
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2011 19:56     Subject: Is it ever okay for DH to call wife a "b*tch" or "f-ck you" on a regular basis?
The day my DH calls me a bitch is the day he'll find his shit on the curb and we fight and have heated arguments like other couples. But even in the midst of fighting, we still maintain a certain level of basic respect and decency, afterall, this is the same person you share a bed with and supposedly love.

I'm sorry, OP, this is definitely not normal and rather childish of your OP. Don't settle for this.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2011 18:59     Subject: Is it ever okay for DH to call wife a "b*tch" or "f-ck you" on a regular basis?
Add me to the "no, never appropriate" side. I too have called my DH a jerk or jokingly said "oh yeah? Well f you." but in all our fights and issues, neither of us has thrown out such harmful personal attacks. OP - I hope you are 100% comfortable now that this is NOT ok EVER. You need to not take it. I would tell him "if you say that to me again, particularly in front of the kids, I am leaving for the night.". Then show him you're serious - pick up the kids and go to friends or family for that night. Good luck to you.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2011 17:58     Subject: Re:Is it ever okay for DH to call wife a "b*tch" or "f-ck you" on a regular basis?
That's disrespectful to you and your kids. Put your foot down. Do not let that asshole cross boundaries without SEVERE consequences like seriously kicking his sorry ass to the curb.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2011 17:55     Subject: Re:Is it ever okay for DH to call wife a "b*tch" or "f-ck you" on a regular basis?
No. It is not. I'm very sorry you are having this experience OP. I call my DH a "dick" or a "bastard" occasionally when we are really going at it. I don't say FU to him because, well, that just isn't usually warranted-- not with anyone, except for the most egregious thing. But I really regret it and apologize to him afterwards. But sometimes, he really is a dick.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2011 17:33     Subject: Re:Is it ever okay for DH to call wife a "b*tch" or "f-ck you" on a regular basis?
OP, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. My ex-husband did this to me in front of our children and wouldn't stop. I just couldn't take this constant disrespect. But more importantly, it just wasn't okay with me on any level that he was talking to me like this in front of my daughter and son.

I hope you or a counselor can get through to him that he's damaged your relationship and that your children are at risk now to follow their parents' example.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2011 12:38     Subject: Is it ever okay for DH to call wife a "b*tch" or "f-ck you" on a regular basis?
This should not be a regular occurence. My husband did call me a bitch one time when I was in a bad mood and being really really bitchy to him. He apologized hundreds of times afterwards and never did it again.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2011 11:21     Subject: Re:Is it ever okay for DH to call wife a "b*tch" or "f-ck you" on a regular basis?
In our worst fights, I have told DH to "fuck off"--maybe once or twice. I feel pretty badly about that. I have also muttered to myself "you're such a jerk/asshole sometimes" but not to his face. and we seem to have passed that period where we had some pretty heated exchanges. I would say that it is not normal, esp on a regular basis. Have you told him how upsetting and inappropriate this is and the impact on you and the children?
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2011 10:25     Subject: Re:Is it ever okay for DH to call wife a "b*tch" or "f-ck you" on a regular basis?
OP - you need to consider leaving him.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2011 10:16     Subject: Is it ever okay for DH to call wife a "b*tch" or "f-ck you" on a regular basis?
Sounds like a cycle of abuse. Where did DH learn this appalling behavior?

OP should break this cycle ASAP, if not for herself, or her marriage, for her kids.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2011 10:14     Subject: Is it ever okay for DH to call wife a "b*tch" or "f-ck you" on a regular basis?
OP No one ever deserves to be treated with such obvious lack of respect. I am sorry that you are experiencing this in your marriage and wish you the best in the future.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2011 10:11     Subject: Is it ever okay for DH to call wife a "b*tch" or "f-ck you" on a regular basis?
OP, I had three serious boyfriends and dated lots of guys casually before getting married. Neither DH nor any of the guys I dated have used those words with me. Not even when I gave them blue balls, threw things they gave me out of a window, argued up a storm and worse.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2011 08:59     Subject: Is it ever okay for DH to call wife a "b*tch" or "f-ck you" on a regular basis?
Inappropriate, under any circumstances.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2011 08:48     Subject: Is it ever okay for DH to call wife a "b*tch" or "f-ck you" on a regular basis?
Anonymous wrote:Serious question for the OP. do you set him off? Are you doing things that makes him so mad?


What? Ignore this.

One partner should never be violent in words or actions to another. Your partner is abusing you, verbally. The fact the your child is picking up on this should be an indicator to you this is not ok.

Do you want him to start raging at your child? Because he will. Also, he will not stop on his own - you either need to get professional help or you need to leave. Sorry to be blunt, but he will not change.

Good luck, I know it's hard. If you can't change for you, be strong for your child.